Athlete Asks Friend to Sneeze in Cup to Help Him Pass COVID Test

MIDDLETOWN, CT – A scandal is breaking across campus this week, as baseball team captain Noah Jackson ’21 was caught attempting to falsify his bi-weekly COVID tests. Frontline nurse Rebecca Franklin reportedly detained and questioned Jackson after seeing him pull a urine-sample cup with residual snot out of his back pocket and attempt to swab said mucus. 

“It was clear he was up to something the moment he responded, ‘Nose Symptoms? No, what – who said anything about my nose,’ to [colleague] Sarah’s very non-nose related question.”

Jackson’s plot was simple enough: get a friend to sneeze into a sterile urine cup that he had just rewashed and use said mucus to forge a negative test result. However, further compiling the misfortune was the news that afternoon that the genuine producer of the aforementioned snot, Marc Simpson ’20, was, indeed, COVID-positive, and had previously been infected by Jackson himself. That, we suppose, is the risk of keeping it in the bubble, after all. 

The University administration has not announced an official response to the matter at hand, while Coach Carlisle noted, “honestly, at this point we might just bang this season, with the bunch of eyewash these slapdicks have been putting on,” whatever that means. 

Marriage Pact: After the Final Rose

MIDDLETOWN, CT – After a long cuffing season, Wesleyan students had been looking forward to an even longer cuffing season. Therefore, students were stifling their boners when the results of the Wesleyan Marriage Pact were released on Valentine’s Day. When we met a Marriage Pact couple on an iced coffee date at Pi, we decided to check in with them as the semester continued.

Erin Wagner ’21 and Thea King ’22 had been living together all year in Westco. Despite their rooms being connected, the two had never actually spoken. King explained that Wagner listened to 100 Gecs, so she “was never really sure of the vibes.” It wasn’t until they matched on Marriage Pact that they decided to actually talk to each other for the first time. After learning that Pi had run out of their favorite milk substitute, Wagner remembered that they had Planet Oat Milk in their shared fridge. Two days later, King moved all her Squishmallows into Wagner’s room. 

Unfortunately, not all students were as lucky as these roommates. A study conducted by Yale Law School states that 86% of Wesleyan Marriage Pact participants never reached out to their one true match. All these participants have also matched on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and Grindr, but they are waiting for the ice cubes in their coffee to be in retrograde. 13.5% of participants matched with their friends and reached out to say, “Hey bestie!” The other 0.5% are King and Wagner. 

Pi Café Introduces New “Fuck You, Go to Usdan” Meal Swipe Option

MIDDLETOWN, CT – To some Wes students, it may seem like the workers at Pi Café get unrighteously annoyed when you attempt to use a meal swipe to buy food. Luckily for us, though, Pi is introducing a new meal swipe option for next semester that lets students know exactly where they can get their tasty treats: right up the ass and out the door. 

Students are certainly excited about the new meal swipe plan, especially given the newly revealed options. With a swipe, students can choose from the following:

Option 1:

• Choose TWO
  • Stern look
  • Deep sigh
  • Middle finger
• Choose ONE
  • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
  • “Not a chance in hell”
  • “Ask me again, I dare you”
• Cookie or Chips

Option 2:

• Choose TWO
  • Head shake
  • Facepalm
  • *continues looking at phone* 
• Choose ONE
  • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
  • *pure silence*
  • “I will end you if you even look at me”
• Cookie or Chips

With the implementation of Pi’s new swipe option, University administration expects to see a drastic decrease in the “points only” plan that is common among upperclassmen.

“Swings would never provide the level of service that Pi offers,” Ben Rubel ’22 said when asked about the new meal plan. “After hearing about their new ‘Fuck you’ plan, there’s no doubt that I’ll be going with the meals-only plan next year.” 

It may seem like everyone loves the new meal plan, but some people are characteristically angry. When I told a Pi Café worker that I was looking for a dining employee to interview for an article, he only had one thing to say: “Fuck you, man. Go to Usdan.” I would’ve expected nothing less.

Wes Anarchists Elect New Club President

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Deep in the WestCo tunnels this past Tuesday, the Wesleyan Anarchist Club (WesAnarchists for short) came to a momentous decision, electing member Psam Pseudomonas ’21 to the position of club president. Although the group is tight-knit, with invitations only extended after internal consultation, Pseudomonas hopes to widen the role of the group on campus, with events ranging from overtly political to fun-filed on the books for post-COVID-19.

Another anonymous member highlighted the WesAnarchists’ Brick Drive as a key event to get more folks on board. After the club gathers a big enough pile of bricks, they say they will have another exciting event in store.

“We’ve done things like ‘Molotov your own Cocktail’ before and they’ve been a blast! At least until the fire safety team comes barging in,” Pseudomonas noted. Pseudomonas’ term, however, has already come under fire, as Wesleyan students have noted that, unlike multiple mutual aid-based organizations in Middletown, WesAnarchists literally do no significant organizing. Psam did not comment on this particular claim. “As President of WesAnarchists… Wait… Shit, guys!” Psam said, before running back to the group, presumably to notify them that presidents are generally antithetical to anarchism.

“If Only You Knew Who My Father Is,” Says Every Suspended DKE Member

MIDDLETOWN, CT – The DKE fraternity chapter at Wesleyan entered the 2020-2021 school year with one goal: convince the school that Wesleyan has REAL Greek Life. But after students returned from winter break to learn that DKE had earned a two year suspension for breaking hazing and Covid rules, there was no doubt that they were living up to the State School standard. 

DKE, oftentimes simply pronounced “deek” or “those douchebags,” has had no issue finding trouble with the school’s administration over the past few years. In 2014, they honored that year’s set of incoming pledges by waterboarding them with Elephant urine. In 2017, they organized a charity bake sale and sold Oatmeal Cream Pies with homemade cream. Their most gruesome act, however, came in 2019, when they voted collectively as an organization that the CFA buildings were “visually appealing in any way.” It was at the point, obviously, that the members of the Wesleyan community knew that DKE was a massive threat to their wellbeing. 

So when the current school year rolled around, DKE knew that they had to be EXTRA careful when following Covid-19 rules, because they were certainly skating on thin ice. DKE even implemented their own pandemic precautions in an effort to show the school they cared. Here’s an excerpt from a statement the frat president, “Tiny” Johnson, sent out at the beginning of the year:

1. If passerbys cannot see your nose, they won’t be able to tell that you’re not sneezing, and therefore, are Covid-free. To ensure this, all DKE members must be showing their nose at all points in time.
2. Safety in numbers. If all the DKE brothers are packed into the same room on Friday and Saturday nights, there will be no uncertainty as to whether or not they were inside of the 25-mile travelling radius. 

Even with the frat’s extremely airtight (how ironic) plan, it was no surprise when they got busted for breaking Covid and hazing rules given their previous history. Although the school attempted to keep the news quiet, the Wes community became instantly notified of the news after hearing a commotion arising from the southeast corner of campus. A sea of cries could be heard erupting from the DKE house, one after another: “Wait until my father hears about this!” “When my daddy figures out, then Roth will be really sorry!” “Did someone say daddy?” “Chill out bro, it’s not bedtime yet” and “If only Roth knew how important my father was!” 

The damage was already done, though. After countless COVID cases and even more therapy sessions for the first-years, the official suspension was put in place. Whether you’ll miss having  DKE on campus or not, though, one thing is abundantly clear: you definitely won’t miss having DKE on campus.

Giuliani Mix-Up Leads to Press Conference at Wes Wings Instead of the West Wing

WASHINGTON, DC – It was (once again) a bad day for Rudy Giuliani when he realized the mistake he’d made. “I told myself I wouldn’t do this again! Silly Rudy,” he was overheard saying, slapping his palm into his forehead, with his head hung low.

“I was the only one there. I really felt a connection with Donnie,” said Jackson Jones ‘23, Econ major, athlete, and the only open Trump supporter on campus. “We bonded over wings, ranted about ‘Critical Race Theory’ and talked about girls- Don’s having some trouble with Melania.”

Rudy and the Trump Administration are maintaining that this was an active attempt to appeal to new demographics. However, multiple sources say they saw Trump gagging after talking to two female students holding hands. Louise Cannon ‘22 even says she heard Trump screaming, “Oh God! Oh God, no! Why are we here? Rudy, why are we here? I’m surrounded by heathens!” Needless to say, we have reason to believe this was just another classic Rudy mix-up.

Nicolson Residents Claim Syphilis Outbreak in Effort to Convince School They Fuck

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As many of you might have heard through the grapevine, Wesleyan recently had an outbreak on campus, but it wasn’t the outbreak most expected. Yes, even during the time of utmost COVID precautions, some dude named Logan (or Chase or something) still found a way to let safety fall through the crack(s), as Bennet saw a skyrocket in Chlamydia cases. For those few days, Bennet Hall’s shenanigans and all their ensuing pathobiological consequences were all that everyone talked about. What you probably didn’t know, however, is that another outbreak was claimed to have occurred in the halls of Nicolson at the very same time. 

Although Nicolson is known for such enthralling social activities as listening to your neighbor talk about his fantasy football team, getting lectures about why the substance free floor “isn’t that bad,” and complaining about Nicolson, it would appear as if the residents in Nics have finally stepped up their game. We sat down with Nicolson resident Domenic Mongillo ‘24 to ask him what this whole mess was about. “Syphilis is spreading through the dorm like wildfire,” he says. “In fact, ‘wildfire’ is the perfect way to describe how my genitals feel right now.” When asked what he thought caused the outbreak, Domenic was quick to answer: “Definitely sex. I have been having a lot of sex all the time and with all the hot people. Probably if you asked the hot people here, they would say that they have had lots of sex with me too.” 

Domenic isn’t the only one who claims to be getting down and dirty in the dorm, though. Nic 6 Quiet Floor resident and WesTrack superstar Kyle Roshankish ‘24, isn’t afraid to share his accounts of the nights he’s seen people get a little too wild. “Nicolson is pretty much one giant orgy. Everyone is doing the sex,” he says. “We do it in the common room, in the lounges, even sometimes in the bathroom.” When asked him if he used the free condoms that the school provides, Kyle responded with “I’m not sure how Ketchup and Mustard and stuff like that relates to anything we’re talking about, but I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting sexually here already and I’d be down to try some more.” 

Alright, so what if everyone in Nicolson is asleep by 9:15 AM on Friday nights? It’s probably just because they’re all so tired from the copious amounts of sex they’re having on a daily basis. Yes, you never see anyone that lives in Nics anywhere on campus, but that can only mean one thing: every resident is part of a secret societal sex cult that takes up all their time. I guess it’s no wonder they spread a little Syphilis in the process. Many mysteries remain, but this testimony has definitely made one thing crystal clear – we might not be allowed to leave campus anymore, but if you’re looking for a one-way ticket to Poundtown, CT, look no further than Nicolson Hall. They fuck.

Philosophy Major Volunteering at Usdan Unsure Whether to Serve Chicken, Egg Roll First

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Monday, Usdan staff made the disastrous mistake of allowing two philosophy majors to serve food to their fellow students. “It was our fault,” Linda Royce, head of the Usdan food committee, said remorsefully. “We were too naive putting chicken and egg rolls in front of them. We should’ve just picked one or the other.”

In the kitchen, the philosophy majors could be heard arguing loudly amongst each other. The food line was at a standstill as the volunteers heatedly debated which food choice should come first on the students’ plates. “I think we were waiting for about an hour,” said Alex Monaghan ‘23. “The line went all the way to the Chapel.” 

In the end, no choice was made. The philosophy majors were ushered out and Usdan staff vowed to never let philosophy majors volunteer again, especially not alongside any variation of a chicken or egg food duo. “From now on,” said Linda Royce, “we will only have chicken egg rolls”.

Roth Hires “Empath Assistant” To Understand Where Students Are Coming From

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth has reportedly heard, acknowledged, and truly internalized complaints by students that his school “doesn’t understand how hard academic work in an international pandemic can be.” Immediately concerned, Roth gathered a “focus group” to establish a new role which might encourage greater understanding between students and faculty. The group, which contained him and 7 other like-minded and passionate board members, came to the conclusion that they would be hiring new Empath Assistants for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic. These self-professed “empaths” will work as mediators between the misunderstood student body and their impartial, objective professors.

In his announcement of the new position of Empath Assistant (EA), President Roth made it clear that the tenured professors had done their darndest to reward those who are willing to take on such a role. Unfortunately, President Roth announced that “due to this realization coming partway through the semester, we will be unable to make room for financial compensation for the EAs. However, we hope that the added bonus of finally being ‘heard’ will be enough of a reward for the intense emotional labor involved.”

Some of the students in Roth’s classes, however, seemed unconvinced that this would encourage truly unbiased understanding in terms of the cultural and political context. Sarah Macchi, ‘23, believed that the lack of financial help would unfortunately ensure that only the most “financially-privileged of empaths” would be able to take on this position, whereas Sam Jackson, ‘24, found the fact that “the professors are still forcing the excess labor onto the shoulders of the students” to be objectionable. 

However, as Wesleyan University has made it clear that they will hopefully be expanding the EA program over the next couple of years, while keeping the structure set up by Roth, we at the Groundhog can only look forward to how it can improve student-professor relations.

Michael Roth: “Finally, Wesleyan is a Safe Enough Space”

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the students for whom displacement is heartbreaking and an extreme hardship,” said President Roth when asked to comment, “Wesleyan is finally a safe enough space.”

When asked, Roth clarified that he wasn’t referring to the campus being safe from the COVID-9 virus, but rather “toxic disagreement and other forms of problematic rhetoric.” The university president seems to be referring to the arguments posed in his 2019 book Safe Enough Spaces: A Pragmatist’s Approach to Inclusion, Free Speech, and Political Correctness on College Campuses. “Really, this is exactly the sort of situation I had advised,” said Roth. “Chapter 12 discusses how a worldwide pandemic is the perfect situation to really make a campus a safe space for its inhabitants.”

“If no students are able to assemble in groups larger than 5 people, then it’s very difficult for there to be any free speech issues, do you see?” Roth cackled, when asked to explain himself. “That’s what makes this such a beautiful situation.” He then went on to add — in a somewhat sinister tone of voice — that if he had his way, the whole world would be ‘safe enough’ by the end of the year. “And then they’ll see what old Mikey Roth was talking about,” he added. “Then they’ll all see the value of a liberal arts education.”