Giuliani Mix-Up Leads to Press Conference at Wes Wings Instead of the West Wing


WASHINGTON, DC – It was (once again) a bad day for Rudy Giuliani when he realized the mistake he’d made. “I told myself I wouldn’t do this again! Silly Rudy,” he was overheard saying, slapping his palm into his forehead, with his head hung low.

“I was the only one there. I really felt a connection with Donnie,” said Jackson Jones ‘23, Econ major, athlete, and the only open Trump supporter on campus. “We bonded over wings, ranted about ‘Critical Race Theory’ and talked about girls- Don’s having some trouble with Melania.”

Rudy and the Trump Administration are maintaining that this was an active attempt to appeal to new demographics. However, multiple sources say they saw Trump gagging after talking to two female students holding hands. Louise Cannon ‘22 even says she heard Trump screaming, “Oh God! Oh God, no! Why are we here? Rudy, why are we here? I’m surrounded by heathens!” Needless to say, we have reason to believe this was just another classic Rudy mix-up.

Nicolson Residents Claim Syphilis Outbreak in Effort to Convince School They Fuck

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As many of you might have heard through the grapevine, Wesleyan recently had an outbreak on campus, but it wasn’t the outbreak most expected. Yes, even during the time of utmost COVID precautions, some dude named Logan (or Chase or something) still found a way to let safety fall through the crack(s), as Bennet saw a skyrocket in Chlamydia cases. For those few days, Bennet Hall’s shenanigans and all their ensuing pathobiological consequences were all that everyone talked about. What you probably didn’t know, however, is that another outbreak was claimed to have occurred in the halls of Nicolson at the very same time. 

Although Nicolson is known for such enthralling social activities as listening to your neighbor talk about his fantasy football team, getting lectures about why the substance free floor “isn’t that bad,” and complaining about Nicolson, it would appear as if the residents in Nics have finally stepped up their game. We sat down with Nicolson resident Domenic Mongillo ‘24 to ask him what this whole mess was about. “Syphilis is spreading through the dorm like wildfire,” he says. “In fact, ‘wildfire’ is the perfect way to describe how my genitals feel right now.” When asked what he thought caused the outbreak, Domenic was quick to answer: “Definitely sex. I have been having a lot of sex all the time and with all the hot people. Probably if you asked the hot people here, they would say that they have had lots of sex with me too.” 

Domenic isn’t the only one who claims to be getting down and dirty in the dorm, though. Nic 6 Quiet Floor resident and WesTrack superstar Kyle Roshankish ‘24, isn’t afraid to share his accounts of the nights he’s seen people get a little too wild. “Nicolson is pretty much one giant orgy. Everyone is doing the sex,” he says. “We do it in the common room, in the lounges, even sometimes in the bathroom.” When asked him if he used the free condoms that the school provides, Kyle responded with “I’m not sure how Ketchup and Mustard and stuff like that relates to anything we’re talking about, but I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting sexually here already and I’d be down to try some more.” 

Alright, so what if everyone in Nicolson is asleep by 9:15 AM on Friday nights? It’s probably just because they’re all so tired from the copious amounts of sex they’re having on a daily basis. Yes, you never see anyone that lives in Nics anywhere on campus, but that can only mean one thing: every resident is part of a secret societal sex cult that takes up all their time. I guess it’s no wonder they spread a little Syphilis in the process. Many mysteries remain, but this testimony has definitely made one thing crystal clear – we might not be allowed to leave campus anymore, but if you’re looking for a one-way ticket to Poundtown, CT, look no further than Nicolson Hall. They fuck.

Philosophy Major Volunteering at Usdan Unsure Whether to Serve Chicken, Egg Roll First

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Monday, Usdan staff made the disastrous mistake of allowing two philosophy majors to serve food to their fellow students. “It was our fault,” Linda Royce, head of the Usdan food committee, said remorsefully. “We were too naive putting chicken and egg rolls in front of them. We should’ve just picked one or the other.”

In the kitchen, the philosophy majors could be heard arguing loudly amongst each other. The food line was at a standstill as the volunteers heatedly debated which food choice should come first on the students’ plates. “I think we were waiting for about an hour,” said Alex Monaghan ‘23. “The line went all the way to the Chapel.” 

In the end, no choice was made. The philosophy majors were ushered out and Usdan staff vowed to never let philosophy majors volunteer again, especially not alongside any variation of a chicken or egg food duo. “From now on,” said Linda Royce, “we will only have chicken egg rolls”.

Roth Hires “Empath Assistant” To Understand Where Students Are Coming From

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth has reportedly heard, acknowledged, and truly internalized complaints by students that his school “doesn’t understand how hard academic work in an international pandemic can be.” Immediately concerned, Roth gathered a “focus group” to establish a new role which might encourage greater understanding between students and faculty. The group, which contained him and 7 other like-minded and passionate board members, came to the conclusion that they would be hiring new Empath Assistants for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic. These self-professed “empaths” will work as mediators between the misunderstood student body and their impartial, objective professors.

In his announcement of the new position of Empath Assistant (EA), President Roth made it clear that the tenured professors had done their darndest to reward those who are willing to take on such a role. Unfortunately, President Roth announced that “due to this realization coming partway through the semester, we will be unable to make room for financial compensation for the EAs. However, we hope that the added bonus of finally being ‘heard’ will be enough of a reward for the intense emotional labor involved.”

Some of the students in Roth’s classes, however, seemed unconvinced that this would encourage truly unbiased understanding in terms of the cultural and political context. Sarah Macchi, ‘23, believed that the lack of financial help would unfortunately ensure that only the most “financially-privileged of empaths” would be able to take on this position, whereas Sam Jackson, ‘24, found the fact that “the professors are still forcing the excess labor onto the shoulders of the students” to be objectionable. 

However, as Wesleyan University has made it clear that they will hopefully be expanding the EA program over the next couple of years, while keeping the structure set up by Roth, we at the Groundhog can only look forward to how it can improve student-professor relations.

Michael Roth: “Finally, Wesleyan is a Safe Enough Space”

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the students for whom displacement is heartbreaking and an extreme hardship,” said President Roth when asked to comment, “Wesleyan is finally a safe enough space.”

When asked, Roth clarified that he wasn’t referring to the campus being safe from the COVID-9 virus, but rather “toxic disagreement and other forms of problematic rhetoric.” The university president seems to be referring to the arguments posed in his 2019 book Safe Enough Spaces: A Pragmatist’s Approach to Inclusion, Free Speech, and Political Correctness on College Campuses. “Really, this is exactly the sort of situation I had advised,” said Roth. “Chapter 12 discusses how a worldwide pandemic is the perfect situation to really make a campus a safe space for its inhabitants.”

“If no students are able to assemble in groups larger than 5 people, then it’s very difficult for there to be any free speech issues, do you see?” Roth cackled, when asked to explain himself. “That’s what makes this such a beautiful situation.” He then went on to add — in a somewhat sinister tone of voice — that if he had his way, the whole world would be ‘safe enough’ by the end of the year. “And then they’ll see what old Mikey Roth was talking about,” he added. “Then they’ll all see the value of a liberal arts education.”

Café Known For Free Coffee Wonders Why It’s Broke

MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a huge hit to the queer community, student-run café Espwesso has announced that they will be nearing bankruptcy by the end of the Fall 2019 semester. The café known for giving away free coffee as a central tenet to its business model is completely perplexed as to how they ended up broke.

“It seemed like a flawless plan from the beginning,” financial manager Sam Jellious said. “You give the coffee away, the customer doesn’t pay for it, and money appears in your account every week. We don’t know what went wrong.”

On top of completely free drip coffee, Espwesso has also boasted absurdly low prices for its esp(w)esso-based drinks. Competitors such as Pi Café and Usdan Café charge up to 1.5 points more per drink, with the added benefit of cold, premixed salads and Icelandic yogurt selections.

“I go to Espwesso to do work all the time,” sophomore Tina Mueller shared. “It took me until this interview to realize that they even sold anything.”

“I stopped going to Espwesso because every girl I’ve ever hooked up with studies there,” one student who asked to remain anonymous said. “That, and I simply don’t agree with jazz or improv—for political reasons. I don’t think public spaces should host those kinds of events.”

With a beloved study space on the verge of collapse, many are going into dire straits to save Espwesso from the brink and liven up their business model.

“Maybe if we started calling it ‘Wespresso,’ more people would come,” Jellious said.

Furry Freak Still Wearing Halloween Costume

MIDDLETOWN, CT — The biggest weekend of the fall semester has come and gone, folks! With Halloween on a Thursday this year, Halloweekend extended past its normal October boundaries to continue into November 1st and 2nd. Some students sported creative costumes for all three days of the drunken extravaganza, but only one complete weirdo left his costume on through Sunday and Monday.

“I saw him at the football game on Saturday and I thought, ‘Oh, cool, he’s wearing his costume during the day. That’s kinda weird, but I can vibe with it,'” one sophomore Deidre Birkenstock noted. “But then I saw him at lunch in Usdan and I realized he’s still wearing that freaky suit.”

The person behind the unnerving bird suit has yet been unnamed, but his presence has shocked and disturbed visiting parents, alums, and students alike.

“This is getting weird, man,” Michael Toblerone ’20 said. “What’s the meaning behind the costume? Is it a sex thing? Why is he normally surrounded by a group of girls in skirts?”

Loud side correspondents have attempted to shed light on the mysterious phenomenon, but their explanations were incoherent. Their talk of Saturday morning rituals and “school spirit” only raised our suspicions of a possible satanic Halloween cult in our midst.

“Dude, he’s supposed to be wearing that,” football player John Licklehooper insisted. “We can’t win without our Dirty Bird there on the sidelines.”

There’s no way of knowing for sure why that particular student has chosen this lifestyle, but for the sake of our mental wellbeing, we hope it stops soon.

Freshman Pulls Scooper From Ice Cream, Claims Throne

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Hark! On a sheet of parchment on the front steps of North College, a challenge was issued by none other than President Roth himself. The parchment read as follows: “Those gents who is’t possesseth the pow’r to wield the longeth ice cream scoop from Usdan shall beest mine own immediate success’rs”.

Many students have tried in vain to control the raw power that the scoop exudes. Those who have come close to wielding the untempered energy of the long scoop immediately found themselves on the edge of fainting. One student commented, “After many minutes of struggling to coordinate myself in direct opposition to the scoop’s primordial behest, I blacked out and woke up during Late Night”.

Among the absolute chaos both the long scoop and its puppet, Michael Roth, had sought out, one freshman faced the challenge with a vigor that exceeded that of previous attempts. Walking in from the quiet side, the mysterious and noble hero placed their hand onto the scoop, left sitting in the Narragansett cookie flavor, with grace. They then wielded the scoop with such ease that the student could not have been anything less than a demigod. It is clear that this student, that soon disappeared (likely to take their position), is absolutely worthy.

We recommend that the student body welcome our new leader with open arms. It is best not to disrespect a being with that sheer amount of raw power. 

Usdan Introduces New, Girthier Ice Cream Scoop

The wait is over. After many students have expressed frustration surrounding Usdan’s uncomfortably long ice cream scoops, Bon Appetit has unveiled brand new, girthier stainless steel scoops. The added weight and heft is meant to ease scooping for the less-endowed ice cream lovers.

“We’ve heard your complaints” a Bon Appetit representative said. “The Usdan ice cream scoop was always long, but now it’s also girthy.”

The new thicker scoops require a two-handed grip for the full load of creamy goodness. For best results, put on a Sufjan Stevens Spotify playlist to allow the ice cream to soften.

“I’ve always been embarrassed to scoop ice cream in Usdan because it just took too long and my arms would get tired,” first-year Alex Oneida said. “But this chode scoop gets the job done in half the time.”

So the next time you reach for a fat scoop of corn-flavored ice cream, enjoy the comfort and convenience of the revolutionary new handle. You won’t ever go back.

Hookup Culture Gone Too Far? Freshman Ghosts 50 Clubs

MIDDLETOWN, CT— As the new school year kicks up, Club Fair is an exciting way to give young first-years a taste of campus extracurricular life. The bustling array of tables and club leaders can often make an underclassman’s head spin. With so many options, how do you choose? It’s simple: you don’t. Every year, freshman’s eyes are bigger than their stomachs, signing up for millions of clubs they will never attend a single meeting for. Is it greedy? Yes, but the world is their oyster.

For one young first-year, being dropped into a new social circle with no prior hangups has resulted in an intense form of extracurricular promiscuity. Simply just excited by the idea of being desirable to someone, the young 18-year-old signed his name away to over 50 clubs, with zero plans to commit to any of them.

“Bread Salvage seems wholesome, and kind of familiar to what I did in high school,” Martin Rhojah ’23 said. “But Podcast Club is so fresh and new, and a little bit edgy. It’s intriguing, for sure.”

When asked whether he will at least attend the initial interest meetings for any of the clubs he signed up for, Rhojah seemed less enthused.

“I mean, I have a lot on my plate right now as it is,” he said. “I can’t prioritize any one thing. I’m just getting my feet in the water, figuring out who I am. For that reason, I need to keep things pretty casual.”

Sadly for Rhojah, most of the clubs he expressed interest in are looking for more experienced upperclassmen anyway.