Wesleyan Student Turns off Zoom Camera to Rip Juul and Cry

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In any given Zoom class, you’re likely to notice that most students do not have their cameras on. Some students will take the low-key approach by turning their camera off every couple of minutes. Others will put the fact that they simply do not give a fuck on full display by not once turning their camera on. In any case, Zoom classes are starting to look more and more like a professor speaking into a void of grey squares. What we’re all wondering is…. what the hell is going on behind the screen? The Wesleyan Groundhog connected with some “off-camera” students to provide you with the answers. 

The most popular reason amongst “off-camera” students is a crippling nicotine addiction. Some report their inability to go more than five minutes without blowing at least one fat cloud. Emily A., ‘20, a regular “off-camera” student, remarks, “I turn off my camera to rip my juul and cry.” It also came to our attention that in breakout rooms, fellow juul-rippers will show off tricks to one another. Sophomore Brenda W. elaborates: “It wasn’t until Jessica saw my ghost vape trick in Intro to Art History that she wanted to get in my pants. Zoom is clutch like that.”

Another popular rationale for the “off-camera” approach is the ability to bust a nut in class without any repercussions. We talked to DKE member Derek P. who is particularly enthusiastic about laying wood during his zoom sessions: “Do you know how sick it is to bang my girlfriend during chemistry? It’s like way better than learning chemistry. Hahaha.” We asked Chemistry Professor Smicks if he knew what his “off-camera” students were up to, to which he replied, “Derek has never turned his mic off.” 

If you’re wondering what your classmates are doing behind their grey squares, assume the worst.

Marriage Pact: After the Final Rose

MIDDLETOWN, CT – After a long cuffing season, Wesleyan students had been looking forward to an even longer cuffing season. Therefore, students were stifling their boners when the results of the Wesleyan Marriage Pact were released on Valentine’s Day. When we met a Marriage Pact couple on an iced coffee date at Pi, we decided to check in with them as the semester continued.

Erin Wagner ’21 and Thea King ’22 had been living together all year in Westco. Despite their rooms being connected, the two had never actually spoken. King explained that Wagner listened to 100 Gecs, so she “was never really sure of the vibes.” It wasn’t until they matched on Marriage Pact that they decided to actually talk to each other for the first time. After learning that Pi had run out of their favorite milk substitute, Wagner remembered that they had Planet Oat Milk in their shared fridge. Two days later, King moved all her Squishmallows into Wagner’s room. 

Unfortunately, not all students were as lucky as these roommates. A study conducted by Yale Law School states that 86% of Wesleyan Marriage Pact participants never reached out to their one true match. All these participants have also matched on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and Grindr, but they are waiting for the ice cubes in their coffee to be in retrograde. 13.5% of participants matched with their friends and reached out to say, “Hey bestie!” The other 0.5% are King and Wagner. 

Masking the Truth: How a Sect of Mustachioed Menaces Arose Secretly Among Us

MIDDLETOWN, CT – They’re your neighbors. They’re your classmates. Some may even be your friends. Since the fall semester, when the University started requiring members of the Wesleyan community to wear masks in public, a faction of opportunists have used this safety measure as a means to dupe, deceive, and otherwise fool. It is a faction that is growing rapidly, both in numbers and in hair. They are the Masked Mustache Menaces (MMM).

Members of the MMM (or MMMM) spend most of their time undercover. However, they can still be spotted, typically in dining areas, where they flash their bristles to onlookers, and, more importantly, to each other. These brief moments of abandon are what have spurred a growing sense of camaraderie within the MMM. The group has slowly but surely realized their shared values, their shared experiences, and their collective influence. 

“We’re far more powerful than anyone in the community is even aware of,” Mark Mouser ’24 said. “Some of my friends have seen my secret, but they assume that I’m some lone actor, some facial rogue without country or creed, a drifter. They are sorely mistaken.” When interviewing average students about the MMM, most reinforce this claim. 

“I’ve really only seen one or two mustaches so far,” one student reflects. “I never really thought anything of it.”

The Wesleyan Groundhog reached out, in person, to President Roth. Instead of giving a comment, President Roth slowly, silently, and subtly pulled down his own mask to just below his septum. The movement has spread all the way to the top.

Pi Café Introduces New “Fuck You, Go to Usdan” Meal Swipe Option

MIDDLETOWN, CT – To some Wes students, it may seem like the workers at Pi Café get unrighteously annoyed when you attempt to use a meal swipe to buy food. Luckily for us, though, Pi is introducing a new meal swipe option for next semester that lets students know exactly where they can get their tasty treats: right up the ass and out the door. 

Students are certainly excited about the new meal swipe plan, especially given the newly revealed options. With a swipe, students can choose from the following:

Option 1:

  • Choose TWO
    • Stern look
    • Deep sigh
    • Middle finger
  • Choose ONE
    • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
    • “Not a chance in hell”
    • “Ask me again, I dare you”
  • Cookie or Chips

Option 2:

  • Choose TWO
    • Head shake
    • Facepalm
    • *continues looking at phone* 
  • Choose ONE
    • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
    • *pure silence*
    • “I will end you if you even look at me”
  • Cookie or Chips

With the implementation of Pi’s new swipe option, University administration expects to see a drastic decrease in the “points only” plan that is common among upperclassmen.

“Swings would never provide the level of service that Pi offers,” Ben Rubel ’22 said when asked about the new meal plan. “After hearing about their new ‘Fuck you’ plan, there’s no doubt that I’ll be going with the meals-only plan next year.” 

It may seem like everyone loves the new meal plan, but some people are characteristically angry. When I told a Pi Café worker that I was looking for a dining employee to interview for an article, he only had one thing to say: “Fuck you, man. Go to Usdan.” I would’ve expected nothing less.

Giuliani Mix-Up Leads to Press Conference at Wes Wings Instead of the West Wing


WASHINGTON, DC – It was (once again) a bad day for Rudy Giuliani when he realized the mistake he’d made. “I told myself I wouldn’t do this again! Silly Rudy,” he was overheard saying, slapping his palm into his forehead, with his head hung low.

“I was the only one there. I really felt a connection with Donnie,” said Jackson Jones ‘23, Econ major, athlete, and the only open Trump supporter on campus. “We bonded over wings, ranted about ‘Critical Race Theory’ and talked about girls- Don’s having some trouble with Melania.”

Rudy and the Trump Administration are maintaining that this was an active attempt to appeal to new demographics. However, multiple sources say they saw Trump gagging after talking to two female students holding hands. Louise Cannon ‘22 even says she heard Trump screaming, “Oh God! Oh God, no! Why are we here? Rudy, why are we here? I’m surrounded by heathens!” Needless to say, we have reason to believe this was just another classic Rudy mix-up.

Philosophy Major Volunteering at Usdan Unsure Whether to Serve Chicken, Egg Roll First

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Monday, Usdan staff made the disastrous mistake of allowing two philosophy majors to serve food to their fellow students. “It was our fault,” Linda Royce, head of the Usdan food committee, said remorsefully. “We were too naive putting chicken and egg rolls in front of them. We should’ve just picked one or the other.”

In the kitchen, the philosophy majors could be heard arguing loudly amongst each other. The food line was at a standstill as the volunteers heatedly debated which food choice should come first on the students’ plates. “I think we were waiting for about an hour,” said Alex Monaghan ‘23. “The line went all the way to the Chapel.” 

In the end, no choice was made. The philosophy majors were ushered out and Usdan staff vowed to never let philosophy majors volunteer again, especially not alongside any variation of a chicken or egg food duo. “From now on,” said Linda Royce, “we will only have chicken egg rolls”.

Copulation in Covid: Four Ways to Freak with No Fear!

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, individuals have found themselves faced with severe isolation, fear, and sexual frustration. Precautionary measures, such as social distancing and mask wearing, have left most longing for the vibrant social interactions they experienced prior to the pandemic. For many of these people, what they yearn for most is the sex life they once had in the mask-free world. The sexual tension is palpable on Wesleyan University’s campus as a result of the pandemic, and we are prepared to solve this issue. 
The Groundhog, in collaboration with Davison Health Center, is thrilled to present a detailed guide on how to get d*ck without getting sick (or; how to sit on a face, without public health disgrace). 

Masked From the Back:

Nurse Jeniffer of the Davison Center insisted that we began by presenting her favorite: doggy style in masks. She explains, “With both students facing in the same direction, transmission of the virus is far less likely to occur. Plus, who doesn’t like hitting it from behind?” Andrew F. ‘23 elaborates on the added benefits of mask-wearing during intercourse: “My roommate really appreciates that any noises are far more muffled. He no longer gets migraines when my boyfriend sleeps over.”

Circular Eating:

Nurse Mark strongly suggests that students try the sixty-nine method. This involves the two students facing in opposite directions, thus lowering the chances of infection. While he understands that this is slightly less practical on a twin bed, he assures it is safe and enjoyable for both individuals. Furthermore, Nurse Mark teased an oral-sex davison-exclusive PPR release coming up, that “stops COVID transmission like a dam.” Hannah G. ‘21 shares her confidence in this position: “I just feel so much safer with my hookup’s face far away from my own! Like, we all have sexual needs, but I don’t need to swap tongues to get the deed done. Plus, I have no problem with his junk in my face. It kind of reminds me of my pet hamster.”

Zoomegle:

During times of social isolation, making virtual connections is of the utmost importance! Zoom offers a variety of fun ways to engage in online intercourse: from zoom orgies (feel free to pin your favored partner for extra intimacy) to breakout-room speed dating, the platform lets you scout out a responsible sexual partner before making any contact-commitments. 

Masturbation and Education:

Finally, we want to present you with a Groundhog special: masturbation and education. Get sexual with yourself as you watch CDC guideline videos and informational forums on Covid-19, presented by the most promiscuous professionals. This method is a 2-1 package, as you can relieve your sexual frustration while also staying up-to-date on the newest precautionary measures. Martha C. details why this is her new favorite: “I love staying informed, plus the CDC Specialists have really sexy voices. I mean, what could be better?”

The Groundhog and Davison Health Center hope this was inspiring and informative for all. Happy humping!

Aspiring CSS Major Claims He Is Next RBG for Men’s Rights

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died of metastatic pancreatic cancer September 18th, 2020. While many mourned her death, viewing her as a feminist icon and champion for women’s rights, one Wesleyan student saw it as an opportunity.

“I just feel that men’s rights have taken a back seat to women’s rights in recent years, and I think it’s time for that to change,” said Ron Kaczynski ‘24, citing “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion as one of the ways in which women’s rights are getting “too out of hand”. 

Kaczynski is planning to major in CSS, hoping the rigorous course load will increase his chances of getting nominated for Supreme Court Justice. He is still in the process of picking between Yale and Harvard Law Schools to go to straight after graduating. 

When asked about how he plans to start off this project he said, “Yeah I’m actually thinking about making shirts that say ‘Nevertheless s(HE) Persisted’ just to drive home the whole men’s rights thing.”

Scoop Week Is Coming

MIDDLETOWN – It’s the almost the first week of October on Wesleyan’s campus, and you know that could only mean one thing: Scoop Week. Get ready for one of the craziest weeks of the year, and keep up with the Groundhog for exclusivecoverage on the whole thing.

Fear. Lust. Betrayal. Comradery. Triumph. Humiliation. Boyish Wonder. As we all know, these are integral to the spirit of Scoop Week. In a matter of days, time on this campus freeze, like ice cream, and we will depart on an adventure of Homeric magnitude.

Scoop Week will affect the cultural landscape of Wesleyan so intensely that afterwards, all dates will be referred to in their relation to it. We will adopt an After Scoop Week (A.S.W.)/Before Scoop Week (B.S.W) system. For example, I came to Wesleyan in 3B.S.W, and, if I make it through scoop week, I’ll leave Wesleyan 0A.S.W.

To prepare for Scoop Week, ready yourself for endless possibilities.

Wesleyan University Hires 5 New Presidents

MIDDLETOWN – An email was sent out on Tuesday to all Wesleyan students in response to the overwhelming outcry from the student body regarding inhumane work conditions. The email, sent by Dean Rick, announced that the university would hire five new presidents to help Michael Roth deal with his increased and unreasonable workload caused by the protests.

“We hear you,” says Rick,” and we want to work with you. We appreciate that we can create a space where you feel like you can protest. In order to make sure those protests are properly invalidated, we will be hiring 5 more presidents to help President Roth make up numbers that help him continue to profit off the hard work of others without feeling any guilt.”

Citing an excessive increase in emotional labor, Roth claims he has looked at the data and decided that he will need at least 5 more presidents to help deal with this protesting issue. These new presidents will start at a reasonable wage of just $600,000/year each. In order to pay for these new positions, Roth will not be taking a pay-cut. Instead, everything in Weshop will be marked up by 500%.