Pi Café Introduces New “Fuck You, Go to Usdan” Meal Swipe Option

MIDDLETOWN, CT – To some Wes students, it may seem like the workers at Pi Café get unrighteously annoyed when you attempt to use a meal swipe to buy food. Luckily for us, though, Pi is introducing a new meal swipe option for next semester that lets students know exactly where they can get their tasty treats: right up the ass and out the door. 

Students are certainly excited about the new meal swipe plan, especially given the newly revealed options. With a swipe, students can choose from the following:

Option 1:

  • Choose TWO
    • Stern look
    • Deep sigh
    • Middle finger
  • Choose ONE
    • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
    • “Not a chance in hell”
    • “Ask me again, I dare you”
  • Cookie or Chips

Option 2:

  • Choose TWO
    • Head shake
    • Facepalm
    • *continues looking at phone* 
  • Choose ONE
    • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
    • *pure silence*
    • “I will end you if you even look at me”
  • Cookie or Chips

With the implementation of Pi’s new swipe option, University administration expects to see a drastic decrease in the “points only” plan that is common among upperclassmen.

“Swings would never provide the level of service that Pi offers,” Ben Rubel ’22 said when asked about the new meal plan. “After hearing about their new ‘Fuck you’ plan, there’s no doubt that I’ll be going with the meals-only plan next year.” 

It may seem like everyone loves the new meal plan, but some people are characteristically angry. When I told a Pi Café worker that I was looking for a dining employee to interview for an article, he only had one thing to say: “Fuck you, man. Go to Usdan.” I would’ve expected nothing less.

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