Nicolson Residents Claim Syphilis Outbreak in Effort to Convince School They Fuck

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As many of you might have heard through the grapevine, Wesleyan recently had an outbreak on campus, but it wasn’t the outbreak most expected. Yes, even during the time of utmost COVID precautions, some dude named Logan (or Chase or something) still found a way to let safety fall through the crack(s), as Bennet saw a skyrocket in Chlamydia cases. For those few days, Bennet Hall’s shenanigans and all their ensuing pathobiological consequences were all that everyone talked about. What you probably didn’t know, however, is that another outbreak was claimed to have occurred in the halls of Nicolson at the very same time. 

Although Nicolson is known for such enthralling social activities as listening to your neighbor talk about his fantasy football team, getting lectures about why the substance free floor “isn’t that bad,” and complaining about Nicolson, it would appear as if the residents in Nics have finally stepped up their game. We sat down with Nicolson resident Domenic Mongillo ‘24 to ask him what this whole mess was about. “Syphilis is spreading through the dorm like wildfire,” he says. “In fact, ‘wildfire’ is the perfect way to describe how my genitals feel right now.” When asked what he thought caused the outbreak, Domenic was quick to answer: “Definitely sex. I have been having a lot of sex all the time and with all the hot people. Probably if you asked the hot people here, they would say that they have had lots of sex with me too.” 

Domenic isn’t the only one who claims to be getting down and dirty in the dorm, though. Nic 6 Quiet Floor resident and WesTrack superstar Kyle Roshankish ‘24, isn’t afraid to share his accounts of the nights he’s seen people get a little too wild. “Nicolson is pretty much one giant orgy. Everyone is doing the sex,” he says. “We do it in the common room, in the lounges, even sometimes in the bathroom.” When asked him if he used the free condoms that the school provides, Kyle responded with “I’m not sure how Ketchup and Mustard and stuff like that relates to anything we’re talking about, but I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting sexually here already and I’d be down to try some more.” 

Alright, so what if everyone in Nicolson is asleep by 9:15 AM on Friday nights? It’s probably just because they’re all so tired from the copious amounts of sex they’re having on a daily basis. Yes, you never see anyone that lives in Nics anywhere on campus, but that can only mean one thing: every resident is part of a secret societal sex cult that takes up all their time. I guess it’s no wonder they spread a little Syphilis in the process. Many mysteries remain, but this testimony has definitely made one thing crystal clear – we might not be allowed to leave campus anymore, but if you’re looking for a one-way ticket to Poundtown, CT, look no further than Nicolson Hall. They fuck.

University Cuts History Department to Reflect Progressive Values

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This week, Wesleyan’s Board has announced their landmark decision to cut the history department. This follows, of course, on the heels of the revision to Wesleyan’s fight song lyrics from “ol’ Wesleyan” to “new Wesleyan.” With presumably more changes to come, the board is making it clear that they are dedicated to moving Wesleyan forward into a new era. In an address regarding the termination of the history department, Roth states, “In these difficult times, the need for progressive values in our communities has never been clearer, and accordingly, we as a university have never been more committed to upholding these values. In line with this new vigor for progressivism, we have made the obvious decision of cutting the history department. It is our belief that to move forward with the highest of our ideals, we need to stop entrenching ourselves both politically and academically in the past.”

When asked about the academic loss of cutting an entire department, Roth responded, “as a history buff myself, I can assure you, there’s nothing interesting going on there.”

Current Wesleyan history majors, the last of their kind, have mixed views on the decision. Some have received the news positively, sympathizing with the perspective of the board. One anonymous student said, “I really only study history to feel like a smarty smart big boy. My major in no way helps construct an informed framework for how I view the present, let alone the future.” 

Other students, however, were not so generous. One student started a petition criticizing the decision and demanding the board’s reconsideration. In the petition, the student accuses Wesleyan of being a “white colonialist institution feigning actual progressivism through sheer avoidance by refusing to confront the issues of the past, on which our present and future are unavoidably built upon.” After receiving over 1000 signatures, this petition was presented to Roth, who seemed perplexed at first. After finally understanding the gist, he reportedly said “this girl obviously sounds like a loser. She studies history.”

Cunnilingus in COVID: Davison, Dr. McLarney Promote New Dental Dam-Mask Hybrid

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In an email blast entitled “Cautious Cunnilingus in COVID,” Dr. McLarney and Davison Health Center announced a new and improved mask, the KM-69. This mask can be used both as an oral filter for Covid particles, and as a barrier for orally-transmitted STDs. Thanks to the work of Dr. McLarney, it can be found for free at Davison Health Center, or one can purchase a cardinal-branded KM-69 from Cardinal Tech. 

Noted sexual scientist and Wes Alum, Lauren Heilberg, ‘89 emphasized that this safety measure can be thought of as a timely sexual enhancement, not just a Covid-era safety measure: “for those of us who enjoy kinks such as smothering, suffocating and general airway obstruction, the KM-69 might even increase sexual pleasure.” 

The Wesleyan Campus itself has seen a variety of responses. Captain of the Wrestling team, Cody Linnux, ‘22, noted “I mean, I don’t really understand what it is, but the word ‘cunnilingus’ is funny.” Notable campus sapphics, Nicole Samson, ‘22, and Sarah Cole, ‘21, each had different takes, with Nicole noting “I just really like… the natural flavor, and the latex kind of gets in the way” while Sarah expressed deep thanks for McLarney’s flavor choices: “I’m partial to the cherry, but I certainly wouldn’t say no to a little mixed berry either.”

The skeptics have asked McLarney if he would be comfortable using this in his own bedroom, to which he replied “I want to make it clear. I would never recommend something to this community that I hadn’t personally seen work. And boy, have I seen these babies work.” 

Philosophy Major Volunteering at Usdan Unsure Whether to Serve Chicken, Egg Roll First

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Monday, Usdan staff made the disastrous mistake of allowing two philosophy majors to serve food to their fellow students. “It was our fault,” Linda Royce, head of the Usdan food committee, said remorsefully. “We were too naive putting chicken and egg rolls in front of them. We should’ve just picked one or the other.”

In the kitchen, the philosophy majors could be heard arguing loudly amongst each other. The food line was at a standstill as the volunteers heatedly debated which food choice should come first on the students’ plates. “I think we were waiting for about an hour,” said Alex Monaghan ‘23. “The line went all the way to the Chapel.” 

In the end, no choice was made. The philosophy majors were ushered out and Usdan staff vowed to never let philosophy majors volunteer again, especially not alongside any variation of a chicken or egg food duo. “From now on,” said Linda Royce, “we will only have chicken egg rolls”.

Roth Hires “Empath Assistant” To Understand Where Students Are Coming From

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth has reportedly heard, acknowledged, and truly internalized complaints by students that his school “doesn’t understand how hard academic work in an international pandemic can be.” Immediately concerned, Roth gathered a “focus group” to establish a new role which might encourage greater understanding between students and faculty. The group, which contained him and 7 other like-minded and passionate board members, came to the conclusion that they would be hiring new Empath Assistants for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic. These self-professed “empaths” will work as mediators between the misunderstood student body and their impartial, objective professors.

In his announcement of the new position of Empath Assistant (EA), President Roth made it clear that the tenured professors had done their darndest to reward those who are willing to take on such a role. Unfortunately, President Roth announced that “due to this realization coming partway through the semester, we will be unable to make room for financial compensation for the EAs. However, we hope that the added bonus of finally being ‘heard’ will be enough of a reward for the intense emotional labor involved.”

Some of the students in Roth’s classes, however, seemed unconvinced that this would encourage truly unbiased understanding in terms of the cultural and political context. Sarah Macchi, ‘23, believed that the lack of financial help would unfortunately ensure that only the most “financially-privileged of empaths” would be able to take on this position, whereas Sam Jackson, ‘24, found the fact that “the professors are still forcing the excess labor onto the shoulders of the students” to be objectionable. 

However, as Wesleyan University has made it clear that they will hopefully be expanding the EA program over the next couple of years, while keeping the structure set up by Roth, we at the Groundhog can only look forward to how it can improve student-professor relations.

Copulation in Covid: Four Ways to Freak with No Fear!

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, individuals have found themselves faced with severe isolation, fear, and sexual frustration. Precautionary measures, such as social distancing and mask wearing, have left most longing for the vibrant social interactions they experienced prior to the pandemic. For many of these people, what they yearn for most is the sex life they once had in the mask-free world. The sexual tension is palpable on Wesleyan University’s campus as a result of the pandemic, and we are prepared to solve this issue. 
The Groundhog, in collaboration with Davison Health Center, is thrilled to present a detailed guide on how to get d*ck without getting sick (or; how to sit on a face, without public health disgrace). 

Masked From the Back:

Nurse Jeniffer of the Davison Center insisted that we began by presenting her favorite: doggy style in masks. She explains, “With both students facing in the same direction, transmission of the virus is far less likely to occur. Plus, who doesn’t like hitting it from behind?” Andrew F. ‘23 elaborates on the added benefits of mask-wearing during intercourse: “My roommate really appreciates that any noises are far more muffled. He no longer gets migraines when my boyfriend sleeps over.”

Circular Eating:

Nurse Mark strongly suggests that students try the sixty-nine method. This involves the two students facing in opposite directions, thus lowering the chances of infection. While he understands that this is slightly less practical on a twin bed, he assures it is safe and enjoyable for both individuals. Furthermore, Nurse Mark teased an oral-sex davison-exclusive PPR release coming up, that “stops COVID transmission like a dam.” Hannah G. ‘21 shares her confidence in this position: “I just feel so much safer with my hookup’s face far away from my own! Like, we all have sexual needs, but I don’t need to swap tongues to get the deed done. Plus, I have no problem with his junk in my face. It kind of reminds me of my pet hamster.”

Zoomegle:

During times of social isolation, making virtual connections is of the utmost importance! Zoom offers a variety of fun ways to engage in online intercourse: from zoom orgies (feel free to pin your favored partner for extra intimacy) to breakout-room speed dating, the platform lets you scout out a responsible sexual partner before making any contact-commitments. 

Masturbation and Education:

Finally, we want to present you with a Groundhog special: masturbation and education. Get sexual with yourself as you watch CDC guideline videos and informational forums on Covid-19, presented by the most promiscuous professionals. This method is a 2-1 package, as you can relieve your sexual frustration while also staying up-to-date on the newest precautionary measures. Martha C. details why this is her new favorite: “I love staying informed, plus the CDC Specialists have really sexy voices. I mean, what could be better?”

The Groundhog and Davison Health Center hope this was inspiring and informative for all. Happy humping!

Aspiring CSS Major Claims He Is Next RBG for Men’s Rights

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died of metastatic pancreatic cancer September 18th, 2020. While many mourned her death, viewing her as a feminist icon and champion for women’s rights, one Wesleyan student saw it as an opportunity.

“I just feel that men’s rights have taken a back seat to women’s rights in recent years, and I think it’s time for that to change,” said Ron Kaczynski ‘24, citing “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion as one of the ways in which women’s rights are getting “too out of hand”. 

Kaczynski is planning to major in CSS, hoping the rigorous course load will increase his chances of getting nominated for Supreme Court Justice. He is still in the process of picking between Yale and Harvard Law Schools to go to straight after graduating. 

When asked about how he plans to start off this project he said, “Yeah I’m actually thinking about making shirts that say ‘Nevertheless s(HE) Persisted’ just to drive home the whole men’s rights thing.”

Cowboy Unknowingly Attends His Last Rodeo

HOUSTON, TX — On March 17, 2020, local cowboy and Texas native Buck Willicker unknowingly experienced his very last rodeo. Due to current pandemic climate, all rodeos beyond 2020 have been henceforth canceled, and unbeknownst to the rough rider, he would soon die in a tragic bull-riding accident after learning he is red-green colorblind. 

“This ain’t my first rodeo,” the jaded cowboy remarked, blithely ignorant to the fact that it would also be his last. 

Houston officials, despite warnings of coronavirus, continued their bovine celebration nonplussed. Each event took place with its usual gumption, from calf-wrangling to mutton-busting. Willicker, at the peak of his barrel-racing career, was expecting to take home nearly $10,000 in prize money, which he would soon blow almost entirely on jumbo margaritas. 

“I’m not afraid of no COVID-19, or however old she says she is,” Willicker was overheard muttering to a cowpoke. “Where I’m from, we have an old-fashioned welcome for whatever wants to try and encroach on our freedoms.” 

Willicker reportedly cocked his gun at an employee, “to prove a point.” Unfortunately for the groundskeeper of good old Southern values, he would never get to threaten the life of a livestock official again.

Adulting Win? This Woman is 28

LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of effort and hard work, local creative professional Sarah Richter has finally nailed this whole “adulting” thing. At the tender age of 28, she’s stopped accepting rent money from her parents, and has managed to keep a succulent alive with the help of her roommate. Pretty grown-up, if you ask us! Which is good, because she’s two years away from 30. Her parents had two kids at her age!

Richter’s biggest accomplishment in her twenties has been, according to her, “learning how to make the perfect grilled cheese,” and “separating the darks and whites” in her laundry. She’s really out here killing it! 

“Part of what’s made me feel so mature lately is also the fact that I’ve started valuing my own time,” Richter reported, a full-grown woman with several grey hairs. “I don’t mess around with guys who sleep on air mattresses anymore. They have to have an IKEA box frame, or it’s a dealbreaker.”

Sarah, you inspire us every day. We can’t wait to see what adult-like thing you do next!

Zoom Graduation Interrupted by Cat Yakking a Big One

EVANSTON, IL — On May 17, 2020, Wesleyan seniors gathered behind their laptop screens to celebrate the greatest accomplishment of their undergraduate careers. Although separated by the tragedies of a sudden pandemic, the class of 2020 stood staid to receive their diplomas with the grace and significance such a moment deserves. That is, until the cat started hacking up a really huge one, even for him. 

As President Michael Roth delivered his commencement address to the grief-stricken seniors, he emphasized the role of resilience in these uncertain times, and how far the class has come in terms of their academic achievements. These praises did not ring as meaningfully as they might have been if Toaster hadn’t eaten so many cat treats the night before. 

“Jesus Christ, Toaster,” Will Nattick ’20 chided, forgetting to mute his microphone on Zoom. “Do you have to do that on the carpet?” 

Toaster appeared not to notice Nattick’s suggestions, too preoccupied with the massive obstruction working its way up his little kitty throat. In the background, Nattick’s name had been called with a virtual message of “Congratulations.” 

Nattick’s first act as a college graduate was to clean up Toaster’s mess before it sunk too deep into the carpet fibers.