HARTFORD, CT – On May 1st the Connecticut Supreme Court heard oral arguments in the Kent Literary Club (KLC) v. Wesleyan University case. Unfortunately, the proceedings came to a halt after Wesleyan gave their piece… More
STAR & CRESCENT RESTAURANT
Located at the Alpha Delta Phi House
DINNER- Falafel Platter. House Made Falafel, Hummus, Tomato, Cucumber & Feta Salad, Lemon Tahini, Grilled Pita. VEGAN ENTREE
DES- Berry Crisp
LUNCH- Chimmi-Churri Grilled Chicken or Portobello Burrito. Spanish Rice, Refried Beans, Cheddar, Roasted Sweet Onion & Poblano, Chipotle Salsa
DES- Oatmeal, Chocolate Chip, Walnut, Craisin Cookies
DINNER- Greens w/ Charred Tomato Vin. Paella w/ Grilled Chicken, Salmon & Shrimp or Tofu & Tempeh. Tomato, Garlic, White Wine & Saffron Rice, Roasted Sweet Onion & Pepper. VEGAN ENTREE
DES- Chocolate & Cayenne Cake w/ Raspberry Coulis & Whipped Cream
LUNCH- Grilled Chicken or Portobello, Bacon or Soy Bacon, Avocado, Tomato, Cheddar, Lemon & Garlic Aioli on Toasted Multigrain
DES- Chocolate Chip & Walnut Cookies
DINNER- Greens w/ Balsamic Vin. Broccoli & Rigatoni w/ Grilled Balsamic Chicken or Tofu. Oven Roasted Tomato, Lemon Zest, Garlic Oil, Parmesan
DES- Lemon Blueberry Crumb Cake, Whipped Cream
LUNCH- Mulligatawny(Curried Lentil Soup) Curry Aromatics & Spices, Coconut Milk, Tomato, Lemon. Garnished w/ Smoked Paprika & Cilantro. Served w/ Garlic Naan. VEGAN SOUP
DINNER- Greens w/ Red Wine Vin. Puerto Rican Rice & Beans w/ Adobo & Sazon Rubbed, Roasted Chicken or Tofu. VEGAN ENTREE
DES- Banana Cake
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.
When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.
Girl Power Update: Did you know, the female orgasm is uh, *yawn alert* totally passé? That’s like, Second Wave Feminism ladies! We get it, women like to cum! We already know this, but did you know that men want to enjoy sex, too? In all of our ladies first fervor, we forgot to think about the sexual pleasure of our male partner! That’s not what *I* call equality. The next time you get busy, make sure to ask what HE wants. As we all know, most men are too shy to ask women what they really fantasize about in bed, and instead resort to subtle guilt mechanisms until you finally make a threesome Tinder account. How many times have you had sex with a man and had to ask, “Hey man, did you cum? I got off like three times over here and I feel like I’m taking advantage of your generosity.” Don’t leave your man’s pleasure behind! Be a true feminist, and make! him! cum!
So, the craziest thing just happened. You were minding your business, texting while driving, when a car comes out of nowhere and nearly side-swipes you. Ugh! It must be Aries season. You come home, and your roommate is mad at you because you forgot to wash the dishes AGAIN. Total Aries season move, am I right? What other frustrations could you face in the following month? Will your ex-boyfriend give you an unexpected call, after you’ve been texting him for weeks? Will the FBI uncover a wide-reaching college admissions scandal that implicates you and your family for fraud? Who knows. It all depends on your own personal choices and actions, and the following consequences for your behavior. Or, you could blame it on Aries season! You’re SUCH a Libra anyway.
It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room: The Groundhog is pretty male-skewed. We love women, but for some reason women don’t love us. Instead of reflecting deeply on the latent sexism in comedy writing, we came up with the next best thing: a complete redesign, made special for the ladies. Just like pink razors, pink LEGOs, and pink self-defense pepper spray, we’ve designed the new Groundhog to appeal especially to women, to make their needs heard. We’re proud to introduce: The Beaver. It’s the Groundhog, but for women.
Not enough for you? We’re pivoting all of our reporting to the kind of coverage that women just can’t get enough of. You’re getting Lifestyle, Food, Fashion, Style, Health, Foodstyle, Life Fashion, and a brand-new advice column specifically for how to get your 30-year-old boyfriend to do the dishes and/or give you an orgasm more than three times a year. Men, am I right, ladies?
The Beaver can’t wait to satisfy all your womanly needs. We’re also launching a merchandise section of feminine products such as $40 white T-shirts that say “I’m A Woman. Is There A Problem?” and “Girl Power!” with a public domain image of Rosie the Riveter, but she has a septum piercing. Please let us capitalize off of your sense of empowerment.
So you see, there’s no way you can accuse us of sexism. We’ve heard you, and we’ve changed. Look out for upcoming articles in the works, such as “Feel Good About Your Body, But Keep Dieting Though” and “How to Use Astrology to Justify Your Breakup.” The Beaver wants to help you embrace your womanhood, and above all, never look beyond it.
MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a new twist to an instant classic, Wesleyan is putting up an all-white rendition of “Hamilton,” citing historical accuracy as one of its main creative motives.
“Obviously we love Lin Manuel Miranda, and we wanted to pay homage to his largest and most well-known show to-date,” the show’s director shared in an interview with The Groundhog. “We felt like changing up the casting would keep the show fresh, and we also value the historical context surrounding these events and want to stay true to that essence.”
Student theater at Wesleyan has come under fire of late for inadequately supporting PoC work, and for haphazardly shoving actors of color into white narratives. The creative team behind this new “Hamilton” hoped that this time, shoving white actors into PoC roles would appease complaints.
“We truly have no idea how to make theater less white, and we figured it’s time to just lean into whatever it is that we’re doing here,” the director commented between frantic GCal updates. “White people especially love ‘Hamilton,’ so why not put on a show that caters to that audience?”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Machiavellian mastermind President Michael Roth has once again outmaneuvered the students of Wesleyan, shutting down the campus’ nightlife just in time for his birthday, all but forcing them all to attend his paintball party. “I wish I could be upset even, but I just have to respect him,” said senior socialite Lou Harrison ‘19. “As per usual, Roth’s cunning has surpassed all expectations. If we want to party, we’ll have to go play paintball with him.”
Only a few days after an email went out to all seniors announcing that parties in wood frames were essentially banned, fliers went up all over campus inviting students to an event called “Michael Roth’s Birthday Spectacular”, an event that will be hosted Friday night in Beckham hall. With such activities as paintball, a bouncy castle, and a live performance by Michael Roth’s Genesis cover band.
This is only the most recent in a long line of Roth’s dastardly machinations. Previous examples of his strategic masterstrokes include very cleverly not funding CAPS and airing his beef with his son for everyone to see.