MIDDLETOWN, CT – A scandal is breaking across campus this week, as baseball team captain Noah Jackson ’21 was caught attempting to falsify his bi-weekly COVID tests. Frontline nurse Rebecca Franklin reportedly detained and questioned… More
MIDDLETOWN, CT – They’re your neighbors. They’re your classmates. Some may even be your friends. Since the fall semester, when the University started requiring members of the Wesleyan community to wear masks in public, a faction of opportunists have used this safety measure as a means to dupe, deceive, and otherwise fool. It is a faction that is growing rapidly, both in numbers and in hair. They are the Masked Mustache Menaces (MMM).
Members of the MMM (or MMMM) spend most of their time undercover. However, they can still be spotted, typically in dining areas, where they flash their bristles to onlookers, and, more importantly, to each other. These brief moments of abandon are what have spurred a growing sense of camaraderie within the MMM. The group has slowly but surely realized their shared values, their shared experiences, and their collective influence.
“We’re far more powerful than anyone in the community is even aware of,” Mark Mouser ’24 said. “Some of my friends have seen my secret, but they assume that I’m some lone actor, some facial rogue without country or creed, a drifter. They are sorely mistaken.” When interviewing average students about the MMM, most reinforce this claim.
“I’ve really only seen one or two mustaches so far,” one student reflects. “I never really thought anything of it.”
The Wesleyan Groundhog reached out, in person, to President Roth. Instead of giving a comment, President Roth slowly, silently, and subtly pulled down his own mask to just below his septum. The movement has spread all the way to the top.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – To some Wes students, it may seem like the workers at Pi Café get unrighteously annoyed when you attempt to use a meal swipe to buy food. Luckily for us, though, Pi is introducing a new meal swipe option for next semester that lets students know exactly where they can get their tasty treats: right up the ass and out the door.
Students are certainly excited about the new meal swipe plan, especially given the newly revealed options. With a swipe, students can choose from the following:
- Choose TWO
- Stern look
- Deep sigh
- Middle finger
- Choose ONE
- “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
- “Not a chance in hell”
- “Ask me again, I dare you”
- Cookie or Chips
- Choose TWO
- Head shake
- *continues looking at phone*
- Choose ONE
- “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
- *pure silence*
- “I will end you if you even look at me”
- Cookie or Chips
With the implementation of Pi’s new swipe option, University administration expects to see a drastic decrease in the “points only” plan that is common among upperclassmen.
“Swings would never provide the level of service that Pi offers,” Ben Rubel ’22 said when asked about the new meal plan. “After hearing about their new ‘Fuck you’ plan, there’s no doubt that I’ll be going with the meals-only plan next year.”
It may seem like everyone loves the new meal plan, but some people are characteristically angry. When I told a Pi Café worker that I was looking for a dining employee to interview for an article, he only had one thing to say: “Fuck you, man. Go to Usdan.” I would’ve expected nothing less.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Deep in the WestCo tunnels this past Tuesday, the Wesleyan Anarchist Club (WesAnarchists for short) came to a momentous decision, electing member Psam Pseudomonas ’21 to the position of club president. Although the group is tight-knit, with invitations only extended after internal consultation, Pseudomonas hopes to widen the role of the group on campus, with events ranging from overtly political to fun-filed on the books for post-COVID-19.
Another anonymous member highlighted the WesAnarchists’ Brick Drive as a key event to get more folks on board. After the club gathers a big enough pile of bricks, they say they will have another exciting event in store.
“We’ve done things like ‘Molotov your own Cocktail’ before and they’ve been a blast! At least until the fire safety team comes barging in,” Pseudomonas noted. Pseudomonas’ term, however, has already come under fire, as Wesleyan students have noted that, unlike multiple mutual aid-based organizations in Middletown, WesAnarchists literally do no significant organizing. Psam did not comment on this particular claim. “As President of WesAnarchists… Wait… Shit, guys!” Psam said, before running back to the group, presumably to notify them that presidents are generally antithetical to anarchism.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – The DKE fraternity chapter at Wesleyan entered the 2020-2021 school year with one goal: convince the school that Wesleyan has REAL Greek Life. But after students returned from winter break to learn that DKE had earned a two year suspension for breaking hazing and Covid rules, there was no doubt that they were living up to the State School standard.
DKE, oftentimes simply pronounced “deek” or “those douchebags,” has had no issue finding trouble with the school’s administration over the past few years. In 2014, they honored that year’s set of incoming pledges by waterboarding them with Elephant urine. In 2017, they organized a charity bake sale and sold Oatmeal Cream Pies with homemade cream. Their most gruesome act, however, came in 2019, when they voted collectively as an organization that the CFA buildings were “visually appealing in any way.” It was at the point, obviously, that the members of the Wesleyan community knew that DKE was a massive threat to their wellbeing.
So when the current school year rolled around, DKE knew that they had to be EXTRA careful when following Covid-19 rules, because they were certainly skating on thin ice. DKE even implemented their own pandemic precautions in an effort to show the school they cared. Here’s an excerpt from a statement the frat president, “Tiny” Johnson, sent out at the beginning of the year:
- If passerbys cannot see your nose, they won’t be able to tell that you’re not sneezing, and therefore, are Covid-free. To ensure this, all DKE members must be showing their nose at all points in time.
- Safety in numbers. If all the DKE brothers are packed into the same room on Friday and Saturday nights, there will be no uncertainty as to whether or not they were inside of the 25-mile travelling radius.
Even with the frat’s extremely airtight (how ironic) plan, it was no surprise when they got busted for breaking Covid and hazing rules given their previous history. Although the school attempted to keep the news quiet, the Wes community became instantly notified of the news after hearing a commotion arising from the southeast corner of campus. A sea of cries could be heard erupting from the DKE house, one after another: “Wait until my father hears about this!” “When my daddy figures out, then Roth will be really sorry!” “Did someone say daddy?” “Chill out bro, it’s not bedtime yet” and “If only Roth knew how important my father was!”
The damage was already done, though. After countless COVID cases and even more therapy sessions for the first-years, the official suspension was put in place. Whether you’ll miss having DKE on campus or not, though, one thing is abundantly clear: you definitely won’t miss having DKE on campus.
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – It was a shadowy February morning this Tuesday as American Seer Punxsutawney Phil had a harrowing vision for the future of our country. At approximately 10:52am, with the sun peaking through a small gap in the gloomy sky, Phil’s shadow strew across his grassy abode as his eyes glassed over. It was with a disembodied voice that he announced his troubling prediction; “This harbinger before me / Marks 10 more months of 2020.” Perhaps the most horrifying Punxsutawney premonition since his 1989 statements regarding the Berlin wall and the future of the USSR, this has amplified a sense of anxiety around the nation.
WASHINGTON, DC – It was (once again) a bad day for Rudy Giuliani when he realized the mistake he’d made. “I told myself I wouldn’t do this again! Silly Rudy,” he was overheard saying, slapping his palm into his forehead, with his head hung low.
“I was the only one there. I really felt a connection with Donnie,” said Jackson Jones ‘23, Econ major, athlete, and the only open Trump supporter on campus. “We bonded over wings, ranted about ‘Critical Race Theory’ and talked about girls- Don’s having some trouble with Melania.”
Rudy and the Trump Administration are maintaining that this was an active attempt to appeal to new demographics. However, multiple sources say they saw Trump gagging after talking to two female students holding hands. Louise Cannon ‘22 even says she heard Trump screaming, “Oh God! Oh God, no! Why are we here? Rudy, why are we here? I’m surrounded by heathens!” Needless to say, we have reason to believe this was just another classic Rudy mix-up.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – As many of you might have heard through the grapevine, Wesleyan recently had an outbreak on campus, but it wasn’t the outbreak most expected. Yes, even during the time of utmost COVID precautions, some dude named Logan (or Chase or something) still found a way to let safety fall through the crack(s), as Bennet saw a skyrocket in Chlamydia cases. For those few days, Bennet Hall’s shenanigans and all their ensuing pathobiological consequences were all that everyone talked about. What you probably didn’t know, however, is that another outbreak was claimed to have occurred in the halls of Nicolson at the very same time.
Although Nicolson is known for such enthralling social activities as listening to your neighbor talk about his fantasy football team, getting lectures about why the substance free floor “isn’t that bad,” and complaining about Nicolson, it would appear as if the residents in Nics have finally stepped up their game. We sat down with Nicolson resident Domenic Mongillo ‘24 to ask him what this whole mess was about. “Syphilis is spreading through the dorm like wildfire,” he says. “In fact, ‘wildfire’ is the perfect way to describe how my genitals feel right now.” When asked what he thought caused the outbreak, Domenic was quick to answer: “Definitely sex. I have been having a lot of sex all the time and with all the hot people. Probably if you asked the hot people here, they would say that they have had lots of sex with me too.”
Domenic isn’t the only one who claims to be getting down and dirty in the dorm, though. Nic 6 Quiet Floor resident and WesTrack superstar Kyle Roshankish ‘24, isn’t afraid to share his accounts of the nights he’s seen people get a little too wild. “Nicolson is pretty much one giant orgy. Everyone is doing the sex,” he says. “We do it in the common room, in the lounges, even sometimes in the bathroom.” When asked him if he used the free condoms that the school provides, Kyle responded with “I’m not sure how Ketchup and Mustard and stuff like that relates to anything we’re talking about, but I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting sexually here already and I’d be down to try some more.”
Alright, so what if everyone in Nicolson is asleep by 9:15 AM on Friday nights? It’s probably just because they’re all so tired from the copious amounts of sex they’re having on a daily basis. Yes, you never see anyone that lives in Nics anywhere on campus, but that can only mean one thing: every resident is part of a secret societal sex cult that takes up all their time. I guess it’s no wonder they spread a little Syphilis in the process. Many mysteries remain, but this testimony has definitely made one thing crystal clear – we might not be allowed to leave campus anymore, but if you’re looking for a one-way ticket to Poundtown, CT, look no further than Nicolson Hall. They fuck.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – This week, Wesleyan’s Board has announced their landmark decision to cut the history department. This follows, of course, on the heels of the revision to Wesleyan’s fight song lyrics from “ol’ Wesleyan” to “new Wesleyan.” With presumably more changes to come, the board is making it clear that they are dedicated to moving Wesleyan forward into a new era. In an address regarding the termination of the history department, Roth states, “In these difficult times, the need for progressive values in our communities has never been clearer, and accordingly, we as a university have never been more committed to upholding these values. In line with this new vigor for progressivism, we have made the obvious decision of cutting the history department. It is our belief that to move forward with the highest of our ideals, we need to stop entrenching ourselves both politically and academically in the past.”
When asked about the academic loss of cutting an entire department, Roth responded, “as a history buff myself, I can assure you, there’s nothing interesting going on there.”
Current Wesleyan history majors, the last of their kind, have mixed views on the decision. Some have received the news positively, sympathizing with the perspective of the board. One anonymous student said, “I really only study history to feel like a smarty smart big boy. My major in no way helps construct an informed framework for how I view the present, let alone the future.”
Other students, however, were not so generous. One student started a petition criticizing the decision and demanding the board’s reconsideration. In the petition, the student accuses Wesleyan of being a “white colonialist institution feigning actual progressivism through sheer avoidance by refusing to confront the issues of the past, on which our present and future are unavoidably built upon.” After receiving over 1000 signatures, this petition was presented to Roth, who seemed perplexed at first. After finally understanding the gist, he reportedly said “this girl obviously sounds like a loser. She studies history.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – In an email blast entitled “Cautious Cunnilingus in COVID,” Dr. McLarney and Davison Health Center announced a new and improved mask, the KM-69. This mask can be used both as an oral filter for Covid particles, and as a barrier for orally-transmitted STDs. Thanks to the work of Dr. McLarney, it can be found for free at Davison Health Center, or one can purchase a cardinal-branded KM-69 from Cardinal Tech.
Noted sexual scientist and Wes Alum, Lauren Heilberg, ‘89 emphasized that this safety measure can be thought of as a timely sexual enhancement, not just a Covid-era safety measure: “for those of us who enjoy kinks such as smothering, suffocating and general airway obstruction, the KM-69 might even increase sexual pleasure.”
The Wesleyan Campus itself has seen a variety of responses. Captain of the Wrestling team, Cody Linnux, ‘22, noted “I mean, I don’t really understand what it is, but the word ‘cunnilingus’ is funny.” Notable campus sapphics, Nicole Samson, ‘22, and Sarah Cole, ‘21, each had different takes, with Nicole noting “I just really like… the natural flavor, and the latex kind of gets in the way” while Sarah expressed deep thanks for McLarney’s flavor choices: “I’m partial to the cherry, but I certainly wouldn’t say no to a little mixed berry either.”
The skeptics have asked McLarney if he would be comfortable using this in his own bedroom, to which he replied “I want to make it clear. I would never recommend something to this community that I hadn’t personally seen work. And boy, have I seen these babies work.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Monday, Usdan staff made the disastrous mistake of allowing two philosophy majors to serve food to their fellow students. “It was our fault,” Linda Royce, head of the Usdan food committee, said remorsefully. “We were too naive putting chicken and egg rolls in front of them. We should’ve just picked one or the other.”
In the kitchen, the philosophy majors could be heard arguing loudly amongst each other. The food line was at a standstill as the volunteers heatedly debated which food choice should come first on the students’ plates. “I think we were waiting for about an hour,” said Alex Monaghan ‘23. “The line went all the way to the Chapel.”
In the end, no choice was made. The philosophy majors were ushered out and Usdan staff vowed to never let philosophy majors volunteer again, especially not alongside any variation of a chicken or egg food duo. “From now on,” said Linda Royce, “we will only have chicken egg rolls”.