Pi Café Introduces New “Fuck You, Go to Usdan” Meal Swipe Option

MIDDLETOWN, CT – To some Wes students, it may seem like the workers at Pi Café get unrighteously annoyed when you attempt to use a meal swipe to buy food. Luckily for us, though, Pi is introducing a new meal swipe option for next semester that lets students know exactly where they can get their tasty treats: right up the ass and out the door. 

Students are certainly excited about the new meal swipe plan, especially given the newly revealed options. With a swipe, students can choose from the following:

Option 1:

  • Choose TWO
    • Stern look
    • Deep sigh
    • Middle finger
  • Choose ONE
    • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
    • “Not a chance in hell”
    • “Ask me again, I dare you”
  • Cookie or Chips

Option 2:

  • Choose TWO
    • Head shake
    • Facepalm
    • *continues looking at phone* 
  • Choose ONE
    • “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
    • *pure silence*
    • “I will end you if you even look at me”
  • Cookie or Chips

With the implementation of Pi’s new swipe option, University administration expects to see a drastic decrease in the “points only” plan that is common among upperclassmen.

“Swings would never provide the level of service that Pi offers,” Ben Rubel ’22 said when asked about the new meal plan. “After hearing about their new ‘Fuck you’ plan, there’s no doubt that I’ll be going with the meals-only plan next year.” 

It may seem like everyone loves the new meal plan, but some people are characteristically angry. When I told a Pi Café worker that I was looking for a dining employee to interview for an article, he only had one thing to say: “Fuck you, man. Go to Usdan.” I would’ve expected nothing less.

“If Only You Knew Who My Father Is,” Says Every Suspended DKE Member

MIDDLETOWN, CT – The DKE fraternity chapter at Wesleyan entered the 2020-2021 school year with one goal: convince the school that Wesleyan has REAL Greek Life. But after students returned from winter break to learn that DKE had earned a two year suspension for breaking hazing and Covid rules, there was no doubt that they were living up to the State School standard. 

DKE, oftentimes simply pronounced “deek” or “those douchebags,” has had no issue finding trouble with the school’s administration over the past few years. In 2014, they honored that year’s set of incoming pledges by waterboarding them with Elephant urine. In 2017, they organized a charity bake sale and sold Oatmeal Cream Pies with homemade cream. Their most gruesome act, however, came in 2019, when they voted collectively as an organization that the CFA buildings were “visually appealing in any way.” It was at the point, obviously, that the members of the Wesleyan community knew that DKE was a massive threat to their wellbeing. 

So when the current school year rolled around, DKE knew that they had to be EXTRA careful when following Covid-19 rules, because they were certainly skating on thin ice. DKE even implemented their own pandemic precautions in an effort to show the school they cared. Here’s an excerpt from a statement the frat president, “Tiny” Johnson, sent out at the beginning of the year:

  1. If passerbys cannot see your nose, they won’t be able to tell that you’re not sneezing, and therefore, are Covid-free. To ensure this, all DKE members must be showing their nose at all points in time.
  2. Safety in numbers. If all the DKE brothers are packed into the same room on Friday and Saturday nights, there will be no uncertainty as to whether or not they were inside of the 25-mile travelling radius. 

Even with the frat’s extremely airtight (how ironic) plan, it was no surprise when they got busted for breaking Covid and hazing rules given their previous history. Although the school attempted to keep the news quiet, the Wes community became instantly notified of the news after hearing a commotion arising from the southeast corner of campus. A sea of cries could be heard erupting from the DKE house, one after another: “Wait until my father hears about this!” “When my daddy figures out, then Roth will be really sorry!” “Did someone say daddy?” “Chill out bro, it’s not bedtime yet” and “If only Roth knew how important my father was!” 

The damage was already done, though. After countless COVID cases and even more therapy sessions for the first-years, the official suspension was put in place. Whether you’ll miss having  DKE on campus or not, though, one thing is abundantly clear: you definitely won’t miss having DKE on campus.

Nicolson Residents Claim Syphilis Outbreak in Effort to Convince School They Fuck

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As many of you might have heard through the grapevine, Wesleyan recently had an outbreak on campus, but it wasn’t the outbreak most expected. Yes, even during the time of utmost COVID precautions, some dude named Logan (or Chase or something) still found a way to let safety fall through the crack(s), as Bennet saw a skyrocket in Chlamydia cases. For those few days, Bennet Hall’s shenanigans and all their ensuing pathobiological consequences were all that everyone talked about. What you probably didn’t know, however, is that another outbreak was claimed to have occurred in the halls of Nicolson at the very same time. 

Although Nicolson is known for such enthralling social activities as listening to your neighbor talk about his fantasy football team, getting lectures about why the substance free floor “isn’t that bad,” and complaining about Nicolson, it would appear as if the residents in Nics have finally stepped up their game. We sat down with Nicolson resident Domenic Mongillo ‘24 to ask him what this whole mess was about. “Syphilis is spreading through the dorm like wildfire,” he says. “In fact, ‘wildfire’ is the perfect way to describe how my genitals feel right now.” When asked what he thought caused the outbreak, Domenic was quick to answer: “Definitely sex. I have been having a lot of sex all the time and with all the hot people. Probably if you asked the hot people here, they would say that they have had lots of sex with me too.” 

Domenic isn’t the only one who claims to be getting down and dirty in the dorm, though. Nic 6 Quiet Floor resident and WesTrack superstar Kyle Roshankish ‘24, isn’t afraid to share his accounts of the nights he’s seen people get a little too wild. “Nicolson is pretty much one giant orgy. Everyone is doing the sex,” he says. “We do it in the common room, in the lounges, even sometimes in the bathroom.” When asked him if he used the free condoms that the school provides, Kyle responded with “I’m not sure how Ketchup and Mustard and stuff like that relates to anything we’re talking about, but I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting sexually here already and I’d be down to try some more.” 

Alright, so what if everyone in Nicolson is asleep by 9:15 AM on Friday nights? It’s probably just because they’re all so tired from the copious amounts of sex they’re having on a daily basis. Yes, you never see anyone that lives in Nics anywhere on campus, but that can only mean one thing: every resident is part of a secret societal sex cult that takes up all their time. I guess it’s no wonder they spread a little Syphilis in the process. Many mysteries remain, but this testimony has definitely made one thing crystal clear – we might not be allowed to leave campus anymore, but if you’re looking for a one-way ticket to Poundtown, CT, look no further than Nicolson Hall. They fuck.