MIDDLETOWN, CT – A scandal is breaking across campus this week, as baseball team captain Noah Jackson ’21 was caught attempting to falsify his bi-weekly COVID tests. Frontline nurse Rebecca Franklin reportedly detained and questioned Jackson after seeing him pull a urine-sample cup with residual snot out of his back pocket and attempt to swab said mucus.
“It was clear he was up to something the moment he responded, ‘Nose Symptoms? No, what – who said anything about my nose,’ to [colleague] Sarah’s very non-nose related question.”
Jackson’s plot was simple enough: get a friend to sneeze into a sterile urine cup that he had just rewashed and use said mucus to forge a negative test result. However, further compiling the misfortune was the news that afternoon that the genuine producer of the aforementioned snot, Marc Simpson ’20, was, indeed, COVID-positive, and had previously been infected by Jackson himself. That, we suppose, is the risk of keeping it in the bubble, after all.
The University administration has not announced an official response to the matter at hand, while Coach Carlisle noted, “honestly, at this point we might just bang this season, with the bunch of eyewash these slapdicks have been putting on,” whatever that means.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – After a long cuffing season, Wesleyan students had been looking forward to an even longer cuffing season. Therefore, students were stifling their boners when the results of the Wesleyan Marriage Pact were released on Valentine’s Day. When we met a Marriage Pact couple on an iced coffee date at Pi, we decided to check in with them as the semester continued.
Erin Wagner ’21 and Thea King ’22 had been living together all year in Westco. Despite their rooms being connected, the two had never actually spoken. King explained that Wagner listened to 100 Gecs, so she “was never really sure of the vibes.” It wasn’t until they matched on Marriage Pact that they decided to actually talk to each other for the first time. After learning that Pi had run out of their favorite milk substitute, Wagner remembered that they had Planet Oat Milk in their shared fridge. Two days later, King moved all her Squishmallows into Wagner’s room.
Unfortunately, not all students were as lucky as these roommates. A study conducted by Yale Law School states that 86% of Wesleyan Marriage Pact participants never reached out to their one true match. All these participants have also matched on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and Grindr, but they are waiting for the ice cubes in their coffee to be in retrograde. 13.5% of participants matched with their friends and reached out to say, “Hey bestie!” The other 0.5% are King and Wagner.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – To some Wes students, it may seem like the workers at Pi Café get unrighteously annoyed when you attempt to use a meal swipe to buy food. Luckily for us, though, Pi is introducing a new meal swipe option for next semester that lets students know exactly where they can get their tasty treats: right up the ass and out the door.
Students are certainly excited about the new meal swipe plan, especially given the newly revealed options. With a swipe, students can choose from the following:
- Choose TWO
- Stern look
- Deep sigh
- Middle finger
- Choose ONE
- “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
- “Not a chance in hell”
- “Ask me again, I dare you”
- Cookie or Chips
- Choose TWO
- Head shake
- *continues looking at phone*
- Choose ONE
- “Fuck you, go to Usdan”
- *pure silence*
- “I will end you if you even look at me”
- Cookie or Chips
With the implementation of Pi’s new swipe option, University administration expects to see a drastic decrease in the “points only” plan that is common among upperclassmen.
“Swings would never provide the level of service that Pi offers,” Ben Rubel ’22 said when asked about the new meal plan. “After hearing about their new ‘Fuck you’ plan, there’s no doubt that I’ll be going with the meals-only plan next year.”
It may seem like everyone loves the new meal plan, but some people are characteristically angry. When I told a Pi Café worker that I was looking for a dining employee to interview for an article, he only had one thing to say: “Fuck you, man. Go to Usdan.” I would’ve expected nothing less.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Deep in the WestCo tunnels this past Tuesday, the Wesleyan Anarchist Club (WesAnarchists for short) came to a momentous decision, electing member Psam Pseudomonas ’21 to the position of club president. Although the group is tight-knit, with invitations only extended after internal consultation, Pseudomonas hopes to widen the role of the group on campus, with events ranging from overtly political to fun-filed on the books for post-COVID-19.
Another anonymous member highlighted the WesAnarchists’ Brick Drive as a key event to get more folks on board. After the club gathers a big enough pile of bricks, they say they will have another exciting event in store.
“We’ve done things like ‘Molotov your own Cocktail’ before and they’ve been a blast! At least until the fire safety team comes barging in,” Pseudomonas noted. Pseudomonas’ term, however, has already come under fire, as Wesleyan students have noted that, unlike multiple mutual aid-based organizations in Middletown, WesAnarchists literally do no significant organizing. Psam did not comment on this particular claim. “As President of WesAnarchists… Wait… Shit, guys!” Psam said, before running back to the group, presumably to notify them that presidents are generally antithetical to anarchism.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – The DKE fraternity chapter at Wesleyan entered the 2020-2021 school year with one goal: convince the school that Wesleyan has REAL Greek Life. But after students returned from winter break to learn that DKE had earned a two year suspension for breaking hazing and Covid rules, there was no doubt that they were living up to the State School standard.
DKE, oftentimes simply pronounced “deek” or “those douchebags,” has had no issue finding trouble with the school’s administration over the past few years. In 2014, they honored that year’s set of incoming pledges by waterboarding them with Elephant urine. In 2017, they organized a charity bake sale and sold Oatmeal Cream Pies with homemade cream. Their most gruesome act, however, came in 2019, when they voted collectively as an organization that the CFA buildings were “visually appealing in any way.” It was at the point, obviously, that the members of the Wesleyan community knew that DKE was a massive threat to their wellbeing.
So when the current school year rolled around, DKE knew that they had to be EXTRA careful when following Covid-19 rules, because they were certainly skating on thin ice. DKE even implemented their own pandemic precautions in an effort to show the school they cared. Here’s an excerpt from a statement the frat president, “Tiny” Johnson, sent out at the beginning of the year:
- If passerbys cannot see your nose, they won’t be able to tell that you’re not sneezing, and therefore, are Covid-free. To ensure this, all DKE members must be showing their nose at all points in time.
- Safety in numbers. If all the DKE brothers are packed into the same room on Friday and Saturday nights, there will be no uncertainty as to whether or not they were inside of the 25-mile travelling radius.
Even with the frat’s extremely airtight (how ironic) plan, it was no surprise when they got busted for breaking Covid and hazing rules given their previous history. Although the school attempted to keep the news quiet, the Wes community became instantly notified of the news after hearing a commotion arising from the southeast corner of campus. A sea of cries could be heard erupting from the DKE house, one after another: “Wait until my father hears about this!” “When my daddy figures out, then Roth will be really sorry!” “Did someone say daddy?” “Chill out bro, it’s not bedtime yet” and “If only Roth knew how important my father was!”
The damage was already done, though. After countless COVID cases and even more therapy sessions for the first-years, the official suspension was put in place. Whether you’ll miss having DKE on campus or not, though, one thing is abundantly clear: you definitely won’t miss having DKE on campus.
WASHINGTON, DC – It was (once again) a bad day for Rudy Giuliani when he realized the mistake he’d made. “I told myself I wouldn’t do this again! Silly Rudy,” he was overheard saying, slapping his palm into his forehead, with his head hung low.
“I was the only one there. I really felt a connection with Donnie,” said Jackson Jones ‘23, Econ major, athlete, and the only open Trump supporter on campus. “We bonded over wings, ranted about ‘Critical Race Theory’ and talked about girls- Don’s having some trouble with Melania.”
Rudy and the Trump Administration are maintaining that this was an active attempt to appeal to new demographics. However, multiple sources say they saw Trump gagging after talking to two female students holding hands. Louise Cannon ‘22 even says she heard Trump screaming, “Oh God! Oh God, no! Why are we here? Rudy, why are we here? I’m surrounded by heathens!” Needless to say, we have reason to believe this was just another classic Rudy mix-up.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Monday, Usdan staff made the disastrous mistake of allowing two philosophy majors to serve food to their fellow students. “It was our fault,” Linda Royce, head of the Usdan food committee, said remorsefully. “We were too naive putting chicken and egg rolls in front of them. We should’ve just picked one or the other.”
In the kitchen, the philosophy majors could be heard arguing loudly amongst each other. The food line was at a standstill as the volunteers heatedly debated which food choice should come first on the students’ plates. “I think we were waiting for about an hour,” said Alex Monaghan ‘23. “The line went all the way to the Chapel.”
In the end, no choice was made. The philosophy majors were ushered out and Usdan staff vowed to never let philosophy majors volunteer again, especially not alongside any variation of a chicken or egg food duo. “From now on,” said Linda Royce, “we will only have chicken egg rolls”.
HOUSTON, TX — On March 17, 2020, local cowboy and Texas native Buck Willicker unknowingly experienced his very last rodeo. Due to current pandemic climate, all rodeos beyond 2020 have been henceforth canceled, and unbeknownst to the rough rider, he would soon die in a tragic bull-riding accident after learning he is red-green colorblind.
“This ain’t my first rodeo,” the jaded cowboy remarked, blithely ignorant to the fact that it would also be his last.
Houston officials, despite warnings of coronavirus, continued their bovine celebration nonplussed. Each event took place with its usual gumption, from calf-wrangling to mutton-busting. Willicker, at the peak of his barrel-racing career, was expecting to take home nearly $10,000 in prize money, which he would soon blow almost entirely on jumbo margaritas.
“I’m not afraid of no COVID-19, or however old she says she is,” Willicker was overheard muttering to a cowpoke. “Where I’m from, we have an old-fashioned welcome for whatever wants to try and encroach on our freedoms.”
Willicker reportedly cocked his gun at an employee, “to prove a point.” Unfortunately for the groundskeeper of good old Southern values, he would never get to threaten the life of a livestock official again.
LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of effort and hard work, local creative professional Sarah Richter has finally nailed this whole “adulting” thing. At the tender age of 28, she’s stopped accepting rent money from her parents, and has managed to keep a succulent alive with the help of her roommate. Pretty grown-up, if you ask us! Which is good, because she’s two years away from 30. Her parents had two kids at her age!
Richter’s biggest accomplishment in her twenties has been, according to her, “learning how to make the perfect grilled cheese,” and “separating the darks and whites” in her laundry. She’s really out here killing it!
“Part of what’s made me feel so mature lately is also the fact that I’ve started valuing my own time,” Richter reported, a full-grown woman with several grey hairs. “I don’t mess around with guys who sleep on air mattresses anymore. They have to have an IKEA box frame, or it’s a dealbreaker.”
Sarah, you inspire us every day. We can’t wait to see what adult-like thing you do next!
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Following a campus-wide shutdown in the wake of an international pandemic, Wesleyan President Michael Roth was quick to see the bright side of the situation. “Though I sympathize with all of the students for whom displacement is heartbreaking and an extreme hardship,” said President Roth when asked to comment, “Wesleyan is finally a safe enough space.”
When asked, Roth clarified that he wasn’t referring to the campus being safe from the COVID-9 virus, but rather “toxic disagreement and other forms of problematic rhetoric.” The university president seems to be referring to the arguments posed in his 2019 book Safe Enough Spaces: A Pragmatist’s Approach to Inclusion, Free Speech, and Political Correctness on College Campuses. “Really, this is exactly the sort of situation I had advised,” said Roth. “Chapter 12 discusses how a worldwide pandemic is the perfect situation to really make a campus a safe space for its inhabitants.”
“If no students are able to assemble in groups larger than 5 people, then it’s very difficult for there to be any free speech issues, do you see?” Roth cackled, when asked to explain himself. “That’s what makes this such a beautiful situation.” He then went on to add — in a somewhat sinister tone of voice — that if he had his way, the whole world would be ‘safe enough’ by the end of the year. “And then they’ll see what old Mikey Roth was talking about,” he added. “Then they’ll all see the value of a liberal arts education.”