Nicolson Residents Claim Syphilis Outbreak in Effort to Convince School They Fuck

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As many of you might have heard through the grapevine, Wesleyan recently had an outbreak on campus, but it wasn’t the outbreak most expected. Yes, even during the time of utmost COVID precautions, some dude named Logan (or Chase or something) still found a way to let safety fall through the crack(s), as Bennet saw a skyrocket in Chlamydia cases. For those few days, Bennet Hall’s shenanigans and all their ensuing pathobiological consequences were all that everyone talked about. What you probably didn’t know, however, is that another outbreak was claimed to have occurred in the halls of Nicolson at the very same time. 

Although Nicolson is known for such enthralling social activities as listening to your neighbor talk about his fantasy football team, getting lectures about why the substance free floor “isn’t that bad,” and complaining about Nicolson, it would appear as if the residents in Nics have finally stepped up their game. We sat down with Nicolson resident Domenic Mongillo ‘24 to ask him what this whole mess was about. “Syphilis is spreading through the dorm like wildfire,” he says. “In fact, ‘wildfire’ is the perfect way to describe how my genitals feel right now.” When asked what he thought caused the outbreak, Domenic was quick to answer: “Definitely sex. I have been having a lot of sex all the time and with all the hot people. Probably if you asked the hot people here, they would say that they have had lots of sex with me too.” 

Domenic isn’t the only one who claims to be getting down and dirty in the dorm, though. Nic 6 Quiet Floor resident and WesTrack superstar Kyle Roshankish ‘24, isn’t afraid to share his accounts of the nights he’s seen people get a little too wild. “Nicolson is pretty much one giant orgy. Everyone is doing the sex,” he says. “We do it in the common room, in the lounges, even sometimes in the bathroom.” When asked him if he used the free condoms that the school provides, Kyle responded with “I’m not sure how Ketchup and Mustard and stuff like that relates to anything we’re talking about, but I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting sexually here already and I’d be down to try some more.” 

Alright, so what if everyone in Nicolson is asleep by 9:15 AM on Friday nights? It’s probably just because they’re all so tired from the copious amounts of sex they’re having on a daily basis. Yes, you never see anyone that lives in Nics anywhere on campus, but that can only mean one thing: every resident is part of a secret societal sex cult that takes up all their time. I guess it’s no wonder they spread a little Syphilis in the process. Many mysteries remain, but this testimony has definitely made one thing crystal clear – we might not be allowed to leave campus anymore, but if you’re looking for a one-way ticket to Poundtown, CT, look no further than Nicolson Hall. They fuck.

University Cuts History Department to Reflect Progressive Values

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This week, Wesleyan’s Board has announced their landmark decision to cut the history department. This follows, of course, on the heels of the revision to Wesleyan’s fight song lyrics from “ol’ Wesleyan” to “new Wesleyan.” With presumably more changes to come, the board is making it clear that they are dedicated to moving Wesleyan forward into a new era. In an address regarding the termination of the history department, Roth states, “In these difficult times, the need for progressive values in our communities has never been clearer, and accordingly, we as a university have never been more committed to upholding these values. In line with this new vigor for progressivism, we have made the obvious decision of cutting the history department. It is our belief that to move forward with the highest of our ideals, we need to stop entrenching ourselves both politically and academically in the past.”

When asked about the academic loss of cutting an entire department, Roth responded, “as a history buff myself, I can assure you, there’s nothing interesting going on there.”

Current Wesleyan history majors, the last of their kind, have mixed views on the decision. Some have received the news positively, sympathizing with the perspective of the board. One anonymous student said, “I really only study history to feel like a smarty smart big boy. My major in no way helps construct an informed framework for how I view the present, let alone the future.” 

Other students, however, were not so generous. One student started a petition criticizing the decision and demanding the board’s reconsideration. In the petition, the student accuses Wesleyan of being a “white colonialist institution feigning actual progressivism through sheer avoidance by refusing to confront the issues of the past, on which our present and future are unavoidably built upon.” After receiving over 1000 signatures, this petition was presented to Roth, who seemed perplexed at first. After finally understanding the gist, he reportedly said “this girl obviously sounds like a loser. She studies history.”

Freshman Pulls Scooper From Ice Cream, Claims Throne

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Hark! On a sheet of parchment on the front steps of North College, a challenge was issued by none other than President Roth himself. The parchment read as follows: “Those gents who is’t possesseth the pow’r to wield the longeth ice cream scoop from Usdan shall beest mine own immediate success’rs”.

Many students have tried in vain to control the raw power that the scoop exudes. Those who have come close to wielding the untempered energy of the long scoop immediately found themselves on the edge of fainting. One student commented, “After many minutes of struggling to coordinate myself in direct opposition to the scoop’s primordial behest, I blacked out and woke up during Late Night”.

Among the absolute chaos both the long scoop and its puppet, Michael Roth, had sought out, one freshman faced the challenge with a vigor that exceeded that of previous attempts. Walking in from the quiet side, the mysterious and noble hero placed their hand onto the scoop, left sitting in the Narragansett cookie flavor, with grace. They then wielded the scoop with such ease that the student could not have been anything less than a demigod. It is clear that this student, that soon disappeared (likely to take their position), is absolutely worthy.

We recommend that the student body welcome our new leader with open arms. It is best not to disrespect a being with that sheer amount of raw power. 

Entire Freshman Class Body Comprises One Friend Group

MIDDLETOWN, CT – George Harris (‘23) hosted a pregame in his Butterfields forced triple this weekend, thinking he and his roommates had plenty of space to fit the paltry amount of friends they had made so far. Harris realized quickly, however, that the entire freshman class body of Wesleyan University comprises just one friend group, and soon 750 students crowded into his tiny room. 

It is a familiar scene to the Usdan diner who has seen every single table on the quiet side pulled together to create one mammoth banquet table, or to the senior living on Fountain Ave. who has witnessed the traveling horde of freshmen that resemble a wave of zombies on the Walking Dead more than anything else. 

Things perhaps will change soon enough, but in the meantime the entire freshman class body hangs out as one enormous clique, utterly terrified to venture anywhere without their hundred closest friends. They are legion. 

Student Caught Smuggling Manischewitz Into Terp

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This past Friday, April 19, at approximately 9:39 pm, Wesleyan sophomore Rebekah Goldstein-Rosenberg was caught attempting to smuggle a canteen of Manischewitz wine into the 10 pm Terp show. University administrators that were on-site at the event stated that she had poured it into three separate glasses for her friends Noah Ruben ‘22 and Jenna Katz ‘21 before they proceeded to dip their fingers into their drinks and murmur in a fashion that one Public Safety officer described as “reminiscent of ancient witchcraft.” Dean of Students Richard Richardson stated that, while there was certainly controversy around the incident, he had full faith that P-Safe was executing their jobs to perfection, particularly when they reportedly heard threats of “blood” and “murder of the first-borns.” Although Dean Dick was unsure as to the cause behind the students’ actions, he speculated that it was likely a part of the “disruptive protests” of the administration that had occurred on campus recently.

However, this is not the same story reported by Rebekah and her friends. In her statement to the Groundhog, Rebekah claimed that they “came to TERP because we were really excited to participate in an integral aspect of the Wesleyan Experience™.” Unfortunately, they ran into a problem when Passover, a supposed holiday in the Jewish religion, landed on the date of the performance. “We wanted to be able to come out and perform in a quintessential Wes event, while still participating in the cultural and religious activities that are important to us,” began Noah Ruben, while Jenna Katz chimed in that “Frankly, this situation as a whole is absurd! We weren’t even drinking the Manischewitz, much less performing witchcraft, which, as a claim, is just blatant anti-semitism.”

While the administration comes to final decisions for the punishments for these three students, we are sure that the student body will be keen to express their own voices and opinions. However, we here at the Groundhog do want to note that we find it suspicious that these students only identified as “Jew-ish” rather than “full-on Jew,” as we’d assume a true Jew would. Nonetheless, let us hope that the situation figures itself out efficiently and fairly, and teaches us an important lesson about disrupting future TERP performances.

Star & Crescent Menu Week of April 22-26

STAR & CRESCENT RESTAURANT

Located at the Alpha Delta Phi House

LUNCH- 12:00-12:45

DINNER- 5:00-6:45

MONDAY-

DINNER- Falafel Platter. House Made Falafel, Hummus, Tomato, Cucumber & Feta Salad, Lemon Tahini, Grilled Pita. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Berry Crisp

TUESDAY-

LUNCH- Chimmi-Churri Grilled Chicken or Portobello Burrito. Spanish Rice, Refried Beans, Cheddar, Roasted Sweet Onion & Poblano, Chipotle Salsa

DES- Oatmeal, Chocolate Chip, Walnut, Craisin Cookies

DINNER- Greens w/ Charred Tomato Vin. Paella w/ Grilled Chicken, Salmon & Shrimp or Tofu & Tempeh. Tomato, Garlic, White Wine & Saffron Rice, Roasted Sweet Onion & Pepper. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Chocolate & Cayenne Cake w/ Raspberry Coulis & Whipped Cream

WEDNESDAY-

LUNCH- Grilled Chicken or Portobello, Bacon or Soy Bacon, Avocado, Tomato, Cheddar, Lemon & Garlic Aioli on Toasted Multigrain

DES- Chocolate Chip & Walnut Cookies

DINNER- Greens w/ Balsamic Vin. Broccoli & Rigatoni w/ Grilled Balsamic Chicken or Tofu. Oven Roasted Tomato, Lemon Zest, Garlic Oil, Parmesan

DES- Lemon Blueberry Crumb Cake, Whipped Cream

THURSDAY-

LUNCH- Mulligatawny(Curried Lentil Soup) Curry Aromatics & Spices, Coconut Milk, Tomato, Lemon. Garnished w/ Smoked Paprika & Cilantro. Served w/ Garlic Naan. VEGAN SOUP

DES- Brownies

DINNER- Greens w/ Red Wine Vin. Puerto Rican Rice & Beans w/ Adobo & Sazon Rubbed, Roasted Chicken or Tofu. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Banana Cake

“Divest This!” Michael Roth Gleefully Cries as He Runs Around Campus With a Super-Soaker Full of Gasoline

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.

When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.

It’s Actually Feminist to Make HIM Cum

Girl Power Update: Did you know, the female orgasm is uh, *yawn alert* totally passé? That’s like, Second Wave Feminism ladies! We get it, women like to cum! We already know this, but did you know that men want to enjoy sex, too? In all of our ladies first fervor, we forgot to think about the sexual pleasure of our male partner! That’s not what *I* call equality. The next time you get busy, make sure to ask what HE wants. As we all know, most men are too shy to ask women what they really fantasize about in bed, and instead resort to subtle guilt mechanisms until you finally make a threesome Tinder account. How many times have you had sex with a man and had to ask, “Hey man, did you cum? I got off like three times over here and I feel like I’m taking advantage of your generosity.” Don’t leave your man’s pleasure behind! Be a true feminist, and make! him! cum!

Is it Aries Season, or Is it Just You?

So, the craziest thing just happened. You were minding your business, texting while driving, when a car comes out of nowhere and nearly side-swipes you. Ugh! It must be Aries season. You come home, and your roommate is mad at you because you forgot to wash the dishes AGAIN. Total Aries season move, am I right? What other frustrations could you face in the following month? Will your ex-boyfriend give you an unexpected call, after you’ve been texting him for weeks? Will the FBI uncover a wide-reaching college admissions scandal that implicates you and your family for fraud? Who knows. It all depends on your own personal choices and actions, and the following consequences for your behavior. Or, you could blame it on Aries season! You’re SUCH a Libra anyway.

The Groundhog Unveils New Platform For Women: The Beaver

It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room: The Groundhog is pretty male-skewed. We love women, but for some reason women don’t love us. Instead of reflecting deeply on the latent sexism in comedy writing, we came up with the next best thing: a complete redesign, made special for the ladies. Just like pink razors, pink LEGOs, and pink self-defense pepper spray, we’ve designed the new Groundhog to appeal especially to women, to make their needs heard. We’re proud to introduce: The Beaver. It’s the Groundhog, but for women.

Not enough for you? We’re pivoting all of our reporting to the kind of coverage that women just can’t get enough of. You’re getting Lifestyle, Food, Fashion, Style, Health, Foodstyle, Life Fashion, and a brand-new advice column specifically for how to get your 30-year-old boyfriend to do the dishes and/or give you an orgasm more than three times a year. Men, am I right, ladies?

The Beaver can’t wait to satisfy all your womanly needs. We’re also launching a merchandise section of feminine products such as $40 white T-shirts that say “I’m A Woman. Is There A Problem?” and “Girl Power!” with a public domain image of Rosie the Riveter, but she has a septum piercing. Please let us capitalize off of your sense of empowerment. 

So you see, there’s no way you can accuse us of sexism. We’ve heard you, and we’ve changed. Look out for upcoming articles in the works, such as “Feel Good About Your Body, But Keep Dieting Though” and “How to Use Astrology to Justify Your Breakup.” The Beaver wants to help you embrace your womanhood, and above all, never look beyond it.