Athlete Asks Friend to Sneeze in Cup to Help Him Pass COVID Test

MIDDLETOWN, CT – A scandal is breaking across campus this week, as baseball team captain Noah Jackson ’21 was caught attempting to falsify his bi-weekly COVID tests. Frontline nurse Rebecca Franklin reportedly detained and questioned Jackson after seeing him pull a urine-sample cup with residual snot out of his back pocket and attempt to swab said mucus. 

“It was clear he was up to something the moment he responded, ‘Nose Symptoms? No, what – who said anything about my nose,’ to [colleague] Sarah’s very non-nose related question.”

Jackson’s plot was simple enough: get a friend to sneeze into a sterile urine cup that he had just rewashed and use said mucus to forge a negative test result. However, further compiling the misfortune was the news that afternoon that the genuine producer of the aforementioned snot, Marc Simpson ’20, was, indeed, COVID-positive, and had previously been infected by Jackson himself. That, we suppose, is the risk of keeping it in the bubble, after all. 

The University administration has not announced an official response to the matter at hand, while Coach Carlisle noted, “honestly, at this point we might just bang this season, with the bunch of eyewash these slapdicks have been putting on,” whatever that means. 

Wes Anarchists Elect New Club President

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Deep in the WestCo tunnels this past Tuesday, the Wesleyan Anarchist Club (WesAnarchists for short) came to a momentous decision, electing member Psam Pseudomonas ’21 to the position of club president. Although the group is tight-knit, with invitations only extended after internal consultation, Pseudomonas hopes to widen the role of the group on campus, with events ranging from overtly political to fun-filed on the books for post-COVID-19.

Another anonymous member highlighted the WesAnarchists’ Brick Drive as a key event to get more folks on board. After the club gathers a big enough pile of bricks, they say they will have another exciting event in store.

“We’ve done things like ‘Molotov your own Cocktail’ before and they’ve been a blast! At least until the fire safety team comes barging in,” Pseudomonas noted. Pseudomonas’ term, however, has already come under fire, as Wesleyan students have noted that, unlike multiple mutual aid-based organizations in Middletown, WesAnarchists literally do no significant organizing. Psam did not comment on this particular claim. “As President of WesAnarchists… Wait… Shit, guys!” Psam said, before running back to the group, presumably to notify them that presidents are generally antithetical to anarchism.

Groundhog Sees Shadow, Predicts 10 More Months of 2020

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – It was a shadowy February morning this Tuesday as American Seer Punxsutawney Phil had a harrowing vision for the future of our country. At approximately 10:52am, with the sun peaking through a small gap in the gloomy sky, Phil’s shadow strew across his grassy abode as his eyes glassed over. It was with a disembodied voice that he announced his troubling prediction; “This harbinger before me / Marks 10 more months of 2020.” Perhaps the most horrifying Punxsutawney premonition since his 1989 statements regarding the Berlin wall and the future of the USSR, this has amplified a sense of anxiety around the nation.

Cunnilingus in COVID: Davison, Dr. McLarney Promote New Dental Dam-Mask Hybrid

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In an email blast entitled “Cautious Cunnilingus in COVID,” Dr. McLarney and Davison Health Center announced a new and improved mask, the KM-69. This mask can be used both as an oral filter for Covid particles, and as a barrier for orally-transmitted STDs. Thanks to the work of Dr. McLarney, it can be found for free at Davison Health Center, or one can purchase a cardinal-branded KM-69 from Cardinal Tech. 

Noted sexual scientist and Wes Alum, Lauren Heilberg, ‘89 emphasized that this safety measure can be thought of as a timely sexual enhancement, not just a Covid-era safety measure: “for those of us who enjoy kinks such as smothering, suffocating and general airway obstruction, the KM-69 might even increase sexual pleasure.” 

The Wesleyan Campus itself has seen a variety of responses. Captain of the Wrestling team, Cody Linnux, ‘22, noted “I mean, I don’t really understand what it is, but the word ‘cunnilingus’ is funny.” Notable campus sapphics, Nicole Samson, ‘22, and Sarah Cole, ‘21, each had different takes, with Nicole noting “I just really like… the natural flavor, and the latex kind of gets in the way” while Sarah expressed deep thanks for McLarney’s flavor choices: “I’m partial to the cherry, but I certainly wouldn’t say no to a little mixed berry either.”

The skeptics have asked McLarney if he would be comfortable using this in his own bedroom, to which he replied “I want to make it clear. I would never recommend something to this community that I hadn’t personally seen work. And boy, have I seen these babies work.” 

Roth Hires “Empath Assistant” To Understand Where Students Are Coming From

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth has reportedly heard, acknowledged, and truly internalized complaints by students that his school “doesn’t understand how hard academic work in an international pandemic can be.” Immediately concerned, Roth gathered a “focus group” to establish a new role which might encourage greater understanding between students and faculty. The group, which contained him and 7 other like-minded and passionate board members, came to the conclusion that they would be hiring new Empath Assistants for the duration of the COVID-19 pandemic. These self-professed “empaths” will work as mediators between the misunderstood student body and their impartial, objective professors.

In his announcement of the new position of Empath Assistant (EA), President Roth made it clear that the tenured professors had done their darndest to reward those who are willing to take on such a role. Unfortunately, President Roth announced that “due to this realization coming partway through the semester, we will be unable to make room for financial compensation for the EAs. However, we hope that the added bonus of finally being ‘heard’ will be enough of a reward for the intense emotional labor involved.”

Some of the students in Roth’s classes, however, seemed unconvinced that this would encourage truly unbiased understanding in terms of the cultural and political context. Sarah Macchi, ‘23, believed that the lack of financial help would unfortunately ensure that only the most “financially-privileged of empaths” would be able to take on this position, whereas Sam Jackson, ‘24, found the fact that “the professors are still forcing the excess labor onto the shoulders of the students” to be objectionable. 

However, as Wesleyan University has made it clear that they will hopefully be expanding the EA program over the next couple of years, while keeping the structure set up by Roth, we at the Groundhog can only look forward to how it can improve student-professor relations.

Groundhog Goes Off-Script, Somehow Predicts Klobuchar Presidency

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – The deeply contested Democratic primary race is heating up with the Iowa Caucus just one day away. However, the 24-hour Media Cycle has an early surprise as our affiliate, Punxsutawney Phil, went off-script and predicted Senator Klobuchar (D-MN) to secure the presidency after being scared back into hiding by the looming shadow of the American midwest.

Phil’s PR team quickly tried to de-politicize the event claiming it was “purely speculation” from the rodent, while his spokesperson, Karrie Hound stated that Phil “didn’t realize the mic boom fell in front of the lighting, morphing his shadow into the shape of the twelve states that form what is the midwestern United States.” However, it wasn’t long before Klobuchar’s campaign jumped on the endorsement of her inevitability, releasing a 2-minute ad with the slogan “Gopher Phil is a Go-For Klobuchar.”

Klobuchar’s primary opponents had an array of responses to the matter. Potential democratic nominee Pete Buttigieg vocalized his surprise with the prediction due to his and Phil’s shared common ancestry, while Senator Sanders, on the other hand, was surprised that Phil deviated from the American Groundhog Union’s (AGU) endorsement of him just one week prior.

When asked if the prediction hurt his chances to win the primaries, Joe Biden began talking about a hedgehog he once met, before falling into problematic discussions of race relations in the 1970s. In a similar vein, President Donald Trump tweeted a claim that Phil was a “KNOW NOTHING GROUNDHOG,” who “isn’t even trusted by groundhog insiders,” before he too fell into a problematic rant on race relations in the 1970s.

DKE Only Willing to Receive Oral Arguments, Won’t Reciprocate

HARTFORD, CT – On May 1st the Connecticut Supreme Court heard oral arguments in the Kent Literary Club (KLC) v. Wesleyan University case. Unfortunately, the proceedings came to a halt after Wesleyan gave their piece and DKE announced that they “don’t really do oral” but were willing to receive.

“We’ve entered a contractual relationship with DKE and it’s only fair that they uphold their end by really going down into the details of the case,” the university’s lawyer said in an opening statement. “We’d also like to note that the piece they did present was not as long or convincing as we’d expected.”

DKE’s representatives held that their response would be a “waste of time,” and that “we don’t really see what we would get out of it.” They also accused the university of giving Psi U special treatment through backdoor tactics, stating “We know that you’ve been dealing with Psi U on the back end and letting them do things that we could only dream of.” They finished their written statements by noting that they “hadn’t even begun to mention what President Roth had gotten into during his time in Alpha Delt.”

Realizing that only one side would come out of this deal satisfied, the Connecticut Supreme Court Justices adjourned for the day.

Wesleyan University’s representative concluded “If the court won’t vindicate us then we’ll just have to get off ourselves.”