“If Only You Knew Who My Father Is,” Says Every Suspended DKE Member

MIDDLETOWN, CT – The DKE fraternity chapter at Wesleyan entered the 2020-2021 school year with one goal: convince the school that Wesleyan has REAL Greek Life. But after students returned from winter break to learn that DKE had earned a two year suspension for breaking hazing and Covid rules, there was no doubt that they were living up to the State School standard. 

DKE, oftentimes simply pronounced “deek” or “those douchebags,” has had no issue finding trouble with the school’s administration over the past few years. In 2014, they honored that year’s set of incoming pledges by waterboarding them with Elephant urine. In 2017, they organized a charity bake sale and sold Oatmeal Cream Pies with homemade cream. Their most gruesome act, however, came in 2019, when they voted collectively as an organization that the CFA buildings were “visually appealing in any way.” It was at the point, obviously, that the members of the Wesleyan community knew that DKE was a massive threat to their wellbeing. 

So when the current school year rolled around, DKE knew that they had to be EXTRA careful when following Covid-19 rules, because they were certainly skating on thin ice. DKE even implemented their own pandemic precautions in an effort to show the school they cared. Here’s an excerpt from a statement the frat president, “Tiny” Johnson, sent out at the beginning of the year:

  1. If passerbys cannot see your nose, they won’t be able to tell that you’re not sneezing, and therefore, are Covid-free. To ensure this, all DKE members must be showing their nose at all points in time.
  2. Safety in numbers. If all the DKE brothers are packed into the same room on Friday and Saturday nights, there will be no uncertainty as to whether or not they were inside of the 25-mile travelling radius. 

Even with the frat’s extremely airtight (how ironic) plan, it was no surprise when they got busted for breaking Covid and hazing rules given their previous history. Although the school attempted to keep the news quiet, the Wes community became instantly notified of the news after hearing a commotion arising from the southeast corner of campus. A sea of cries could be heard erupting from the DKE house, one after another: “Wait until my father hears about this!” “When my daddy figures out, then Roth will be really sorry!” “Did someone say daddy?” “Chill out bro, it’s not bedtime yet” and “If only Roth knew how important my father was!” 

The damage was already done, though. After countless COVID cases and even more therapy sessions for the first-years, the official suspension was put in place. Whether you’ll miss having  DKE on campus or not, though, one thing is abundantly clear: you definitely won’t miss having DKE on campus.

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