Athlete Asks Friend to Sneeze in Cup to Help Him Pass COVID Test

MIDDLETOWN, CT – A scandal is breaking across campus this week, as baseball team captain Noah Jackson ’21 was caught attempting to falsify his bi-weekly COVID tests. Frontline nurse Rebecca Franklin reportedly detained and questioned Jackson after seeing him pull a urine-sample cup with residual snot out of his back pocket and attempt to swab said mucus. 

“It was clear he was up to something the moment he responded, ‘Nose Symptoms? No, what – who said anything about my nose,’ to [colleague] Sarah’s very non-nose related question.”

Jackson’s plot was simple enough: get a friend to sneeze into a sterile urine cup that he had just rewashed and use said mucus to forge a negative test result. However, further compiling the misfortune was the news that afternoon that the genuine producer of the aforementioned snot, Marc Simpson ’20, was, indeed, COVID-positive, and had previously been infected by Jackson himself. That, we suppose, is the risk of keeping it in the bubble, after all. 

The University administration has not announced an official response to the matter at hand, while Coach Carlisle noted, “honestly, at this point we might just bang this season, with the bunch of eyewash these slapdicks have been putting on,” whatever that means. 

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