Nicolson Residents Claim Syphilis Outbreak in Effort to Convince School They Fuck

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As many of you might have heard through the grapevine, Wesleyan recently had an outbreak on campus, but it wasn’t the outbreak most expected. Yes, even during the time of utmost COVID precautions, some dude named Logan (or Chase or something) still found a way to let safety fall through the crack(s), as Bennet saw a skyrocket in Chlamydia cases. For those few days, Bennet Hall’s shenanigans and all their ensuing pathobiological consequences were all that everyone talked about. What you probably didn’t know, however, is that another outbreak was claimed to have occurred in the halls of Nicolson at the very same time. 

Although Nicolson is known for such enthralling social activities as listening to your neighbor talk about his fantasy football team, getting lectures about why the substance free floor “isn’t that bad,” and complaining about Nicolson, it would appear as if the residents in Nics have finally stepped up their game. We sat down with Nicolson resident Domenic Mongillo ‘24 to ask him what this whole mess was about. “Syphilis is spreading through the dorm like wildfire,” he says. “In fact, ‘wildfire’ is the perfect way to describe how my genitals feel right now.” When asked what he thought caused the outbreak, Domenic was quick to answer: “Definitely sex. I have been having a lot of sex all the time and with all the hot people. Probably if you asked the hot people here, they would say that they have had lots of sex with me too.” 

Domenic isn’t the only one who claims to be getting down and dirty in the dorm, though. Nic 6 Quiet Floor resident and WesTrack superstar Kyle Roshankish ‘24, isn’t afraid to share his accounts of the nights he’s seen people get a little too wild. “Nicolson is pretty much one giant orgy. Everyone is doing the sex,” he says. “We do it in the common room, in the lounges, even sometimes in the bathroom.” When asked him if he used the free condoms that the school provides, Kyle responded with “I’m not sure how Ketchup and Mustard and stuff like that relates to anything we’re talking about, but I’ve been doing a lot of experimenting sexually here already and I’d be down to try some more.” 

Alright, so what if everyone in Nicolson is asleep by 9:15 AM on Friday nights? It’s probably just because they’re all so tired from the copious amounts of sex they’re having on a daily basis. Yes, you never see anyone that lives in Nics anywhere on campus, but that can only mean one thing: every resident is part of a secret societal sex cult that takes up all their time. I guess it’s no wonder they spread a little Syphilis in the process. Many mysteries remain, but this testimony has definitely made one thing crystal clear – we might not be allowed to leave campus anymore, but if you’re looking for a one-way ticket to Poundtown, CT, look no further than Nicolson Hall. They fuck.

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