Graduating Senior Unknowingly Passes His Prime

MIDDLETOWN, CT — As finals end and R+C heads underway, soon-to-be college grad Ron Butler ’18 gears up for a week of debauchery. Little does he know he is about to enter the downward slope of his life.

“I’ve got big plans after graduation,” Butler said excitedly outside of his Warren St. residence. “I’m going to New York and spearheading my buddy’s start-up.”

Butler’s eyes are so full of hope and entrepreneurial spirit. He doesn’t even realize that he has already reached his peak as the captain of the intramural frisbee team who has sex upwards of twice a week. In the future, Ron’s alcoholism, once pardoned, will finally catch up to him, and he will completely lose his adolescent metabolism in favor of a permanent dad-bod.

Butler will be receiving a diploma in Economics and a Data Analysis minor on Sunday, which will then collect dust in his office when he eventually moves out to Cleveland for a mid-level management position.

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