Masking the Truth: How a Sect of Mustachioed Menaces Arose Secretly Among Us

MIDDLETOWN, CT – They’re your neighbors. They’re your classmates. Some may even be your friends. Since the fall semester, when the University started requiring members of the Wesleyan community to wear masks in public, a faction of opportunists have used this safety measure as a means to dupe, deceive, and otherwise fool. It is a faction that is growing rapidly, both in numbers and in hair. They are the Masked Mustache Menaces (MMM).

Members of the MMM (or MMMM) spend most of their time undercover. However, they can still be spotted, typically in dining areas, where they flash their bristles to onlookers, and, more importantly, to each other. These brief moments of abandon are what have spurred a growing sense of camaraderie within the MMM. The group has slowly but surely realized their shared values, their shared experiences, and their collective influence. 

“We’re far more powerful than anyone in the community is even aware of,” Mark Mouser ’24 said. “Some of my friends have seen my secret, but they assume that I’m some lone actor, some facial rogue without country or creed, a drifter. They are sorely mistaken.” When interviewing average students about the MMM, most reinforce this claim. 

“I’ve really only seen one or two mustaches so far,” one student reflects. “I never really thought anything of it.”

The Wesleyan Groundhog reached out, in person, to President Roth. Instead of giving a comment, President Roth slowly, silently, and subtly pulled down his own mask to just below his septum. The movement has spread all the way to the top.