Partygoer Doesn’t Understand the Issue With His ‘Pointy Ghost’ Costume

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan student Jake Maroney ’20 arrived at a halloween party this past weekend dressed as what he call ‘a pointy ghost’. When every single person at the party responded negatively to the costume, Maroney didn’t know what was going on.

“Ghosts are, like, a classic halloween costume,” argued the college senior, “and I just changed it up a bit by making the ghost pointy. What’s the issue?” Nearly everyone at the party immediately pointed out the issue, but Maroney refused to listen.

When questioned, no one even really understood where  the idea to do a pointy ghost costume came from. “What the hell is a ‘pointy ghost’?” asked Lauren Billard ’21. “Does Jake think that’s a thing?” Numerous other partygoers were asked, but no one had ever heard of a ‘pointy ghost’ as a thing. One friend said “At first I thought Jake was racist, but now I know he’s just stupid.”

“I mean, like, sharp things are scary. So a pointy ghost is scarier?” Maroney claimed, but dutifully removing his costume and revealing a sexy cat underneath.

 

 

Long Handled Ice Cream Scoop Continues Its Reign of Terror

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As another year begins at Wesleyan, the long handled scoop at Usdan’s ice cream station continues its uninterrupted reign of terror. Intimidating each and every would-be ice cream eater that enters its realm, the long handled scoop dominates the minds of Wesleyan students. 

“I can’t get ice cream without sweating,” said Greg Connors (‘20), a senior who has enjoyed ice cream since his freshman year. “I’m no novice, and still the scoop scares me. I mean, I have nightmares about it.” Connors isn’t the only one. “It’s just too long!” said Julia Little (‘23), a freshman who had recently encountered the spectre-like scoop for the first time. “I gave up mid-scoop, and I swear I could hear it laughing at me as I fled.” Several other Usdan diners expressed similar opinions to Connors and Little but preferred to remain anonymous, for fear that the scoop would target them personally. 

Freshmen and Upperclassmen alike venture into the scoop’s lair with hubristic confidence that they can handle any ice cream scoop. Little do they know how absurdly long the handle of the scoop is. Many leave the ice cream station driven mad by the length of the ice cream utensil, never to be the same.

Scoop Week Is Coming

MIDDLETOWN – It’s the almost the first week of October on Wesleyan’s campus, and you know that could only mean one thing: Scoop Week. Get ready for one of the craziest weeks of the year, and keep up with the Groundhog for exclusivecoverage on the whole thing.

Fear. Lust. Betrayal. Comradery. Triumph. Humiliation. Boyish Wonder. As we all know, these are integral to the spirit of Scoop Week. In a matter of days, time on this campus freeze, like ice cream, and we will depart on an adventure of Homeric magnitude.

Scoop Week will affect the cultural landscape of Wesleyan so intensely that afterwards, all dates will be referred to in their relation to it. We will adopt an After Scoop Week (A.S.W.)/Before Scoop Week (B.S.W) system. For example, I came to Wesleyan in 3B.S.W, and, if I make it through scoop week, I’ll leave Wesleyan 0A.S.W.

To prepare for Scoop Week, ready yourself for endless possibilities.

Entire Freshman Class Body Comprises One Friend Group

MIDDLETOWN, CT – George Harris (‘23) hosted a pregame in his Butterfields forced triple this weekend, thinking he and his roommates had plenty of space to fit the paltry amount of friends they had made so far. Harris realized quickly, however, that the entire freshman class body of Wesleyan University comprises just one friend group, and soon 750 students crowded into his tiny room. 

It is a familiar scene to the Usdan diner who has seen every single table on the quiet side pulled together to create one mammoth banquet table, or to the senior living on Fountain Ave. who has witnessed the traveling horde of freshmen that resemble a wave of zombies on the Walking Dead more than anything else. 

Things perhaps will change soon enough, but in the meantime the entire freshman class body hangs out as one enormous clique, utterly terrified to venture anywhere without their hundred closest friends. They are legion. 

Wesleyan University Hires 5 New Presidents

MIDDLETOWN – An email was sent out on Tuesday to all Wesleyan students in response to the overwhelming outcry from the student body regarding inhumane work conditions. The email, sent by Dean Rick, announced that the university would hire five new presidents to help Michael Roth deal with his increased and unreasonable workload caused by the protests.

“We hear you,” says Rick,” and we want to work with you. We appreciate that we can create a space where you feel like you can protest. In order to make sure those protests are properly invalidated, we will be hiring 5 more presidents to help President Roth make up numbers that help him continue to profit off the hard work of others without feeling any guilt.”

Citing an excessive increase in emotional labor, Roth claims he has looked at the data and decided that he will need at least 5 more presidents to help deal with this protesting issue. These new presidents will start at a reasonable wage of just $600,000/year each. In order to pay for these new positions, Roth will not be taking a pay-cut. Instead, everything in Weshop will be marked up by 500%.

Star & Crescent Menu Week of April 22-26

STAR & CRESCENT RESTAURANT

Located at the Alpha Delta Phi House

LUNCH- 12:00-12:45

DINNER- 5:00-6:45

MONDAY-

DINNER- Falafel Platter. House Made Falafel, Hummus, Tomato, Cucumber & Feta Salad, Lemon Tahini, Grilled Pita. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Berry Crisp

TUESDAY-

LUNCH- Chimmi-Churri Grilled Chicken or Portobello Burrito. Spanish Rice, Refried Beans, Cheddar, Roasted Sweet Onion & Poblano, Chipotle Salsa

DES- Oatmeal, Chocolate Chip, Walnut, Craisin Cookies

DINNER- Greens w/ Charred Tomato Vin. Paella w/ Grilled Chicken, Salmon & Shrimp or Tofu & Tempeh. Tomato, Garlic, White Wine & Saffron Rice, Roasted Sweet Onion & Pepper. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Chocolate & Cayenne Cake w/ Raspberry Coulis & Whipped Cream

WEDNESDAY-

LUNCH- Grilled Chicken or Portobello, Bacon or Soy Bacon, Avocado, Tomato, Cheddar, Lemon & Garlic Aioli on Toasted Multigrain

DES- Chocolate Chip & Walnut Cookies

DINNER- Greens w/ Balsamic Vin. Broccoli & Rigatoni w/ Grilled Balsamic Chicken or Tofu. Oven Roasted Tomato, Lemon Zest, Garlic Oil, Parmesan

DES- Lemon Blueberry Crumb Cake, Whipped Cream

THURSDAY-

LUNCH- Mulligatawny(Curried Lentil Soup) Curry Aromatics & Spices, Coconut Milk, Tomato, Lemon. Garnished w/ Smoked Paprika & Cilantro. Served w/ Garlic Naan. VEGAN SOUP

DES- Brownies

DINNER- Greens w/ Red Wine Vin. Puerto Rican Rice & Beans w/ Adobo & Sazon Rubbed, Roasted Chicken or Tofu. VEGAN ENTREE

DES- Banana Cake

Wes Students Stage All-White Production of “Hamilton”

MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a new twist to an instant classic, Wesleyan is putting up an all-white rendition of “Hamilton,” citing historical accuracy as one of its main creative motives.

“Obviously we love Lin Manuel Miranda, and we wanted to pay homage to his largest and most well-known show to-date,” the show’s director shared in an interview with The Groundhog. “We felt like changing up the casting would keep the show fresh, and we also value the historical context surrounding these events and want to stay true to that essence.”

Student theater at Wesleyan has come under fire of late for inadequately supporting PoC work, and for haphazardly shoving actors of color into white narratives. The creative team behind this new “Hamilton” hoped that this time, shoving white actors into PoC roles would appease complaints.

“We truly have no idea how to make theater less white, and we figured it’s time to just lean into whatever it is that we’re doing here,” the director commented between frantic GCal updates. “White people especially love ‘Hamilton,’ so why not put on a show that caters to that audience?”

Sinful Partying Teens Swallowed by Hellpit

MIDDLETOWN – For too long we have indulged our every hedonistic whim, paying no heed to the possible punishment for our nightly sacrilege. For too long we have been greedy, lustful, gluttonous, and “sloth,” blinded to the true wrath of the almighty by our drunken hubris. For too long we have crammed into senior houses, and now we have become the architects of our own undoing.

Last Friday, a house party on Fountain was brought to a grinding halt during the third play of “Mo Bamba” when a Hellpit opened on the dance floor, pulling most of the soccer team, a bunch of freshmen and that one kid from your FYS into the fiery chasm below. Eye witness reports recall a voice from the depths calling out to the crowd. The disembodied, booming voice reportedly spoke in tongues, saying “Lorem ipsum dolor ResLife sit amet.” No expert we have contacted could decipher the ancient language, but if we were to make a conjecture, we would say it is probably not good.

The residents were pulled into a hell of their own – relocated and isolated in the Butts. There they will learn to repent. Hopefully, it will teach them to find enjoyment in prayer rather than partying.

This portal to the underworld has since been closed thanks to help from Physical Plant, but we cannot help but wonder if this will be the last. Until we return to the path of the righteous, please refrain from having any fun whatsoever.

Freshman Finally Washes Sheets

MIDDLETOWN, CT – According to inside sources, freshman Jarred Schneider was heard last Friday discussing the proper etiquette for washing his sheets. Seen in the WestCo lounge, right outside of their laundry room, it was clear from the dialogue that Schneider had yet to wash his sheets, two and a half months into his freshman year.

WestCo resident Aymee Hutchinson ‘21 stated, “He just kept questioning really basic things about washing sheets, like whether or not to wash the pillows – not the pillowcases, the pillows.”

Schneider’s roomate, Sam Smolsson ‘22 additionally noted that, while complaining about the tediousness of washing his sheets twice a month, he saw Schneider “tallying up some number on his fingers”, seemingly counting the number of weeks it had been. Once he realized that it had been a full ten — yes TEN — bacteria-infesting weeks in his bed, his face went bright red.

To make the investigation all but conclusive, Schneider’s close friend Aylan Robson ‘22  informed us that Schneider had asked whether he should talk to his Halloweekend hook-up about this, worrying that it had been the reason why she had left a mere seven minutes after entering his Pink Floyd poster-laden room.

Student Votes, Is Still An Asshole

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Jerry Rogers ‘21 voted today, though sources confirm he is still an asshole. Despite doing what he can to preserve democracy and exercise his duty as an American Student, Rogers remains the giant piece of shit he has always been.

“Yeah, Jerry voted, and he voted for a democrat, so I guess that’s good,” reported Melissa Horgan ‘21, an ex-paramour of Rogers’, “but he still dumped me on my birthday last year and texts me ‘you up’ every Thursday night, yeah do with that what you will.”

Rogers was sighted earlier today wearing his “I Voted” sticker on the fly of his pants and high-fiving his friends about it, effectively neutralizing any goodwill he would have gained by exercising his civic duty.