PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – It was a shadowy February morning this Tuesday as American Seer Punxsutawney Phil had a harrowing vision for the future of our country. At approximately 10:52am, with the sun peaking through a small gap in the gloomy sky, Phil’s shadow strew across his grassy abode as his eyes glassed over. It was with a disembodied voice that he announced his troubling prediction; “This harbinger before me / Marks 10 more months of 2020.” Perhaps the most horrifying Punxsutawney premonition since his 1989 statements regarding the Berlin wall and the future of the USSR, this has amplified a sense of anxiety around the nation.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – This week, Wesleyan’s Board has announced their landmark decision to cut the history department. This follows, of course, on the heels of the revision to Wesleyan’s fight song lyrics from “ol’ Wesleyan” to “new Wesleyan.” With presumably more changes to come, the board is making it clear that they are dedicated to moving Wesleyan forward into a new era. In an address regarding the termination of the history department, Roth states, “In these difficult times, the need for progressive values in our communities has never been clearer, and accordingly, we as a university have never been more committed to upholding these values. In line with this new vigor for progressivism, we have made the obvious decision of cutting the history department. It is our belief that to move forward with the highest of our ideals, we need to stop entrenching ourselves both politically and academically in the past.”
When asked about the academic loss of cutting an entire department, Roth responded, “as a history buff myself, I can assure you, there’s nothing interesting going on there.”
Current Wesleyan history majors, the last of their kind, have mixed views on the decision. Some have received the news positively, sympathizing with the perspective of the board. One anonymous student said, “I really only study history to feel like a smarty smart big boy. My major in no way helps construct an informed framework for how I view the present, let alone the future.”
Other students, however, were not so generous. One student started a petition criticizing the decision and demanding the board’s reconsideration. In the petition, the student accuses Wesleyan of being a “white colonialist institution feigning actual progressivism through sheer avoidance by refusing to confront the issues of the past, on which our present and future are unavoidably built upon.” After receiving over 1000 signatures, this petition was presented to Roth, who seemed perplexed at first. After finally understanding the gist, he reportedly said “this girl obviously sounds like a loser. She studies history.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – In an email blast entitled “Cautious Cunnilingus in COVID,” Dr. McLarney and Davison Health Center announced a new and improved mask, the KM-69. This mask can be used both as an oral filter for Covid particles, and as a barrier for orally-transmitted STDs. Thanks to the work of Dr. McLarney, it can be found for free at Davison Health Center, or one can purchase a cardinal-branded KM-69 from Cardinal Tech.
Noted sexual scientist and Wes Alum, Lauren Heilberg, ‘89 emphasized that this safety measure can be thought of as a timely sexual enhancement, not just a Covid-era safety measure: “for those of us who enjoy kinks such as smothering, suffocating and general airway obstruction, the KM-69 might even increase sexual pleasure.”
The Wesleyan Campus itself has seen a variety of responses. Captain of the Wrestling team, Cody Linnux, ‘22, noted “I mean, I don’t really understand what it is, but the word ‘cunnilingus’ is funny.” Notable campus sapphics, Nicole Samson, ‘22, and Sarah Cole, ‘21, each had different takes, with Nicole noting “I just really like… the natural flavor, and the latex kind of gets in the way” while Sarah expressed deep thanks for McLarney’s flavor choices: “I’m partial to the cherry, but I certainly wouldn’t say no to a little mixed berry either.”
The skeptics have asked McLarney if he would be comfortable using this in his own bedroom, to which he replied “I want to make it clear. I would never recommend something to this community that I hadn’t personally seen work. And boy, have I seen these babies work.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, individuals have found themselves faced with severe isolation, fear, and sexual frustration. Precautionary measures, such as social distancing and mask wearing, have left most longing for the vibrant social interactions they experienced prior to the pandemic. For many of these people, what they yearn for most is the sex life they once had in the mask-free world. The sexual tension is palpable on Wesleyan University’s campus as a result of the pandemic, and we are prepared to solve this issue. The Groundhog, in collaboration with Davison Health Center, is thrilled to present a detailed guide on how to get d*ck without getting sick (or; how to sit on a face, without public health disgrace).
Masked From the Back:
Nurse Jeniffer of the Davison Center insisted that we began by presenting her favorite: doggy style in masks. She explains, “With both students facing in the same direction, transmission of the virus is far less likely to occur. Plus, who doesn’t like hitting it from behind?” Andrew F. ‘23 elaborates on the added benefits of mask-wearing during intercourse: “My roommate really appreciates that any noises are far more muffled. He no longer gets migraines when my boyfriend sleeps over.”
Nurse Mark strongly suggests that students try the sixty-nine method. This involves the two students facing in opposite directions, thus lowering the chances of infection. While he understands that this is slightly less practical on a twin bed, he assures it is safe and enjoyable for both individuals. Furthermore, Nurse Mark teased an oral-sex davison-exclusive PPR release coming up, that “stops COVID transmission like a dam.” Hannah G. ‘21 shares her confidence in this position: “I just feel so much safer with my hookup’s face far away from my own! Like, we all have sexual needs, but I don’t need to swap tongues to get the deed done. Plus, I have no problem with his junk in my face. It kind of reminds me of my pet hamster.”
During times of social isolation, making virtual connections is of the utmost importance! Zoom offers a variety of fun ways to engage in online intercourse: from zoom orgies (feel free to pin your favored partner for extra intimacy) to breakout-room speed dating, the platform lets you scout out a responsible sexual partner before making any contact-commitments.
Masturbation and Education:
Finally, we want to present you with a Groundhog special: masturbation and education. Get sexual with yourself as you watch CDC guideline videos and informational forums on Covid-19, presented by the most promiscuous professionals. This method is a 2-1 package, as you can relieve your sexual frustration while also staying up-to-date on the newest precautionary measures. Martha C. details why this is her new favorite: “I love staying informed, plus the CDC Specialists have really sexy voices. I mean, what could be better?”
The Groundhog and Davison Health Center hope this was inspiring and informative for all. Happy humping!
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died of metastatic pancreatic cancer September 18th, 2020. While many mourned her death, viewing her as a feminist icon and champion for women’s rights, one Wesleyan student saw it as an opportunity.
“I just feel that men’s rights have taken a back seat to women’s rights in recent years, and I think it’s time for that to change,” said Ron Kaczynski ‘24, citing “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion as one of the ways in which women’s rights are getting “too out of hand”.
Kaczynski is planning to major in CSS, hoping the rigorous course load will increase his chances of getting nominated for Supreme Court Justice. He is still in the process of picking between Yale and Harvard Law Schools to go to straight after graduating.
When asked about how he plans to start off this project he said, “Yeah I’m actually thinking about making shirts that say ‘Nevertheless s(HE) Persisted’ just to drive home the whole men’s rights thing.”
EVANSTON, IL — On May 17, 2020, Wesleyan seniors gathered behind their laptop screens to celebrate the greatest accomplishment of their undergraduate careers. Although separated by the tragedies of a sudden pandemic, the class of 2020 stood staid to receive their diplomas with the grace and significance such a moment deserves. That is, until the cat started hacking up a really huge one, even for him.
As President Michael Roth delivered his commencement address to the grief-stricken seniors, he emphasized the role of resilience in these uncertain times, and how far the class has come in terms of their academic achievements. These praises did not ring as meaningfully as they might have been if Toaster hadn’t eaten so many cat treats the night before.
“Jesus Christ, Toaster,” Will Nattick ’20 chided, forgetting to mute his microphone on Zoom. “Do you have to do that on the carpet?”
Toaster appeared not to notice Nattick’s suggestions, too preoccupied with the massive obstruction working its way up his little kitty throat. In the background, Nattick’s name had been called with a virtual message of “Congratulations.”
Nattick’s first act as a college graduate was to clean up Toaster’s mess before it sunk too deep into the carpet fibers.
MIDDLETOWN, CT— Following the success of their 4/20 and Thanksgiving pails, campus restaurant WesWings has introduced a holiday meal sure to rile your appetite. The new Valentine’s Day pail features the classic Swings takeout box filled to the brim with smooth-glide condoms and melted chocolate.
“We wanted something that felt romantic, but still accessible to the average cynical college student,” Swings owner Ed Thorndike ‘78 told The Groundhog. “You could eat it on your own, but it’s also big enough to split with a partner.”
In the spirit of inclusivity, Swings will also offer a dental dam option and a latex-free pail. “We thought about making the chocolate dairy-free, but we thought the post-consumption stomach pain was really important to the dining experience.” Thorndike continued. “It’s a lot like love, in that way.”
When asked to elaborate on that comparison, Thorndike refused. “This is exactly what I want out of a pail,” Sam Jellious ‘22, an avid WesWings patron, said. “It tastes kinda gross after a while and there’s no nutritional value, but if I buy it, everyone will think that I’m having sex.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT – After years of being labeled as the eating area for athletes and frat bros, the loud side of Wesleyan’s Usdan University Center will finally be getting a hibachi table. No longer will patrons of the loud side have to wait in line at Mongolian grill and then trudge all the way back to their tables; now they will be able to get their fried rice from the comfort of their seat.
“Listen I love Mongo as much as the next guy,” said Chuck Logan ‘20, captain of the rowing team. “But being able to get my six egg breakfast sandwich while sitting with my friggin dudes? PLUS an onion volcano? Nothing beats that.”
Sources close to Bon Appetit management have confirmed that the Hibachi Chef will be doing “All the classics,” like the onion volcano, and the shrimp in the pocket toss, and of course, squirting sake into the mouths of eager guests. When asked about this, Logan replied simply “It’s about time we got some long-range sake in Usdan.”
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – The deeply contested Democratic primary race is heating up with the Iowa Caucus just one day away. However, the 24-hour Media Cycle has an early surprise as our affiliate, Punxsutawney Phil, went off-script and predicted Senator Klobuchar (D-MN) to secure the presidency after being scared back into hiding by the looming shadow of the American midwest.
Phil’s PR team quickly tried to de-politicize the event claiming it was “purely speculation” from the rodent, while his spokesperson, Karrie Hound stated that Phil “didn’t realize the mic boom fell in front of the lighting, morphing his shadow into the shape of the twelve states that form what is the midwestern United States.” However, it wasn’t long before Klobuchar’s campaign jumped on the endorsement of her inevitability, releasing a 2-minute ad with the slogan “Gopher Phil is a Go-For Klobuchar.”
Klobuchar’s primary opponents had an array of responses to the matter. Potential democratic nominee Pete Buttigieg vocalized his surprise with the prediction due to his and Phil’s shared common ancestry, while Senator Sanders, on the other hand, was surprised that Phil deviated from the American Groundhog Union’s (AGU) endorsement of him just one week prior.
When asked if the prediction hurt his chances to win the primaries, Joe Biden began talking about a hedgehog he once met, before falling into problematic discussions of race relations in the 1970s. In a similar vein, President Donald Trump tweeted a claim that Phil was a “KNOW NOTHING GROUNDHOG,” who “isn’t even trusted by groundhog insiders,” before he too fell into a problematic rant on race relations in the 1970s.
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following news last night that the United States House of Representatives voted to impeach, President Donald Trump frantically went on Google to try and figure out what that meant. Only the third U.S. President to ever be impeached by congress, Trump is in fact the first to have no fucking clue what it means.
“I’m always hungry,” said the president when he first heard the news late last night, “but I hate fruit. Thanks very much, but I don’t think I want an impeach. He then went on to ask if it was something involving “that Italy gays movie,” but was also informed that that wasn’t the case.
At crunch time, sources close to the president have reported that he is still trying to log on to his phone in order to access google, attempting to guess whether his password is “69”, “6969”, or “696969;)”. He still has no idea who, what, or where impeachment is.