Wesleyan Student Turns off Zoom Camera to Rip Juul and Cry

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In any given Zoom class, you’re likely to notice that most students do not have their cameras on. Some students will take the low-key approach by turning their camera off every couple of minutes. Others will put the fact that they simply do not give a fuck on full display by not once turning their camera on. In any case, Zoom classes are starting to look more and more like a professor speaking into a void of grey squares. What we’re all wondering is…. what the hell is going on behind the screen? The Wesleyan Groundhog connected with some “off-camera” students to provide you with the answers. 

The most popular reason amongst “off-camera” students is a crippling nicotine addiction. Some report their inability to go more than five minutes without blowing at least one fat cloud. Emily A., ‘20, a regular “off-camera” student, remarks, “I turn off my camera to rip my juul and cry.” It also came to our attention that in breakout rooms, fellow juul-rippers will show off tricks to one another. Sophomore Brenda W. elaborates: “It wasn’t until Jessica saw my ghost vape trick in Intro to Art History that she wanted to get in my pants. Zoom is clutch like that.”

Another popular rationale for the “off-camera” approach is the ability to bust a nut in class without any repercussions. We talked to DKE member Derek P. who is particularly enthusiastic about laying wood during his zoom sessions: “Do you know how sick it is to bang my girlfriend during chemistry? It’s like way better than learning chemistry. Hahaha.” We asked Chemistry Professor Smicks if he knew what his “off-camera” students were up to, to which he replied, “Derek has never turned his mic off.” 

If you’re wondering what your classmates are doing behind their grey squares, assume the worst.

Masking the Truth: How a Sect of Mustachioed Menaces Arose Secretly Among Us

MIDDLETOWN, CT – They’re your neighbors. They’re your classmates. Some may even be your friends. Since the fall semester, when the University started requiring members of the Wesleyan community to wear masks in public, a faction of opportunists have used this safety measure as a means to dupe, deceive, and otherwise fool. It is a faction that is growing rapidly, both in numbers and in hair. They are the Masked Mustache Menaces (MMM).

Members of the MMM (or MMMM) spend most of their time undercover. However, they can still be spotted, typically in dining areas, where they flash their bristles to onlookers, and, more importantly, to each other. These brief moments of abandon are what have spurred a growing sense of camaraderie within the MMM. The group has slowly but surely realized their shared values, their shared experiences, and their collective influence. 

“We’re far more powerful than anyone in the community is even aware of,” Mark Mouser ’24 said. “Some of my friends have seen my secret, but they assume that I’m some lone actor, some facial rogue without country or creed, a drifter. They are sorely mistaken.” When interviewing average students about the MMM, most reinforce this claim. 

“I’ve really only seen one or two mustaches so far,” one student reflects. “I never really thought anything of it.”

The Wesleyan Groundhog reached out, in person, to President Roth. Instead of giving a comment, President Roth slowly, silently, and subtly pulled down his own mask to just below his septum. The movement has spread all the way to the top.

Groundhog Sees Shadow, Predicts 10 More Months of 2020

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – It was a shadowy February morning this Tuesday as American Seer Punxsutawney Phil had a harrowing vision for the future of our country. At approximately 10:52am, with the sun peaking through a small gap in the gloomy sky, Phil’s shadow strew across his grassy abode as his eyes glassed over. It was with a disembodied voice that he announced his troubling prediction; “This harbinger before me / Marks 10 more months of 2020.” Perhaps the most horrifying Punxsutawney premonition since his 1989 statements regarding the Berlin wall and the future of the USSR, this has amplified a sense of anxiety around the nation.

University Cuts History Department to Reflect Progressive Values

MIDDLETOWN, CT – This week, Wesleyan’s Board has announced their landmark decision to cut the history department. This follows, of course, on the heels of the revision to Wesleyan’s fight song lyrics from “ol’ Wesleyan” to “new Wesleyan.” With presumably more changes to come, the board is making it clear that they are dedicated to moving Wesleyan forward into a new era. In an address regarding the termination of the history department, Roth states, “In these difficult times, the need for progressive values in our communities has never been clearer, and accordingly, we as a university have never been more committed to upholding these values. In line with this new vigor for progressivism, we have made the obvious decision of cutting the history department. It is our belief that to move forward with the highest of our ideals, we need to stop entrenching ourselves both politically and academically in the past.”

When asked about the academic loss of cutting an entire department, Roth responded, “as a history buff myself, I can assure you, there’s nothing interesting going on there.”

Current Wesleyan history majors, the last of their kind, have mixed views on the decision. Some have received the news positively, sympathizing with the perspective of the board. One anonymous student said, “I really only study history to feel like a smarty smart big boy. My major in no way helps construct an informed framework for how I view the present, let alone the future.” 

Other students, however, were not so generous. One student started a petition criticizing the decision and demanding the board’s reconsideration. In the petition, the student accuses Wesleyan of being a “white colonialist institution feigning actual progressivism through sheer avoidance by refusing to confront the issues of the past, on which our present and future are unavoidably built upon.” After receiving over 1000 signatures, this petition was presented to Roth, who seemed perplexed at first. After finally understanding the gist, he reportedly said “this girl obviously sounds like a loser. She studies history.”

Cunnilingus in COVID: Davison, Dr. McLarney Promote New Dental Dam-Mask Hybrid

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In an email blast entitled “Cautious Cunnilingus in COVID,” Dr. McLarney and Davison Health Center announced a new and improved mask, the KM-69. This mask can be used both as an oral filter for Covid particles, and as a barrier for orally-transmitted STDs. Thanks to the work of Dr. McLarney, it can be found for free at Davison Health Center, or one can purchase a cardinal-branded KM-69 from Cardinal Tech. 

Noted sexual scientist and Wes Alum, Lauren Heilberg, ‘89 emphasized that this safety measure can be thought of as a timely sexual enhancement, not just a Covid-era safety measure: “for those of us who enjoy kinks such as smothering, suffocating and general airway obstruction, the KM-69 might even increase sexual pleasure.” 

The Wesleyan Campus itself has seen a variety of responses. Captain of the Wrestling team, Cody Linnux, ‘22, noted “I mean, I don’t really understand what it is, but the word ‘cunnilingus’ is funny.” Notable campus sapphics, Nicole Samson, ‘22, and Sarah Cole, ‘21, each had different takes, with Nicole noting “I just really like… the natural flavor, and the latex kind of gets in the way” while Sarah expressed deep thanks for McLarney’s flavor choices: “I’m partial to the cherry, but I certainly wouldn’t say no to a little mixed berry either.”

The skeptics have asked McLarney if he would be comfortable using this in his own bedroom, to which he replied “I want to make it clear. I would never recommend something to this community that I hadn’t personally seen work. And boy, have I seen these babies work.” 

Copulation in Covid: Four Ways to Freak with No Fear!

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Due to the Covid-19 pandemic, individuals have found themselves faced with severe isolation, fear, and sexual frustration. Precautionary measures, such as social distancing and mask wearing, have left most longing for the vibrant social interactions they experienced prior to the pandemic. For many of these people, what they yearn for most is the sex life they once had in the mask-free world. The sexual tension is palpable on Wesleyan University’s campus as a result of the pandemic, and we are prepared to solve this issue. 
The Groundhog, in collaboration with Davison Health Center, is thrilled to present a detailed guide on how to get d*ck without getting sick (or; how to sit on a face, without public health disgrace). 

Masked From the Back:

Nurse Jeniffer of the Davison Center insisted that we began by presenting her favorite: doggy style in masks. She explains, “With both students facing in the same direction, transmission of the virus is far less likely to occur. Plus, who doesn’t like hitting it from behind?” Andrew F. ‘23 elaborates on the added benefits of mask-wearing during intercourse: “My roommate really appreciates that any noises are far more muffled. He no longer gets migraines when my boyfriend sleeps over.”

Circular Eating:

Nurse Mark strongly suggests that students try the sixty-nine method. This involves the two students facing in opposite directions, thus lowering the chances of infection. While he understands that this is slightly less practical on a twin bed, he assures it is safe and enjoyable for both individuals. Furthermore, Nurse Mark teased an oral-sex davison-exclusive PPR release coming up, that “stops COVID transmission like a dam.” Hannah G. ‘21 shares her confidence in this position: “I just feel so much safer with my hookup’s face far away from my own! Like, we all have sexual needs, but I don’t need to swap tongues to get the deed done. Plus, I have no problem with his junk in my face. It kind of reminds me of my pet hamster.”

Zoomegle:

During times of social isolation, making virtual connections is of the utmost importance! Zoom offers a variety of fun ways to engage in online intercourse: from zoom orgies (feel free to pin your favored partner for extra intimacy) to breakout-room speed dating, the platform lets you scout out a responsible sexual partner before making any contact-commitments. 

Masturbation and Education:

Finally, we want to present you with a Groundhog special: masturbation and education. Get sexual with yourself as you watch CDC guideline videos and informational forums on Covid-19, presented by the most promiscuous professionals. This method is a 2-1 package, as you can relieve your sexual frustration while also staying up-to-date on the newest precautionary measures. Martha C. details why this is her new favorite: “I love staying informed, plus the CDC Specialists have really sexy voices. I mean, what could be better?”

The Groundhog and Davison Health Center hope this was inspiring and informative for all. Happy humping!

Aspiring CSS Major Claims He Is Next RBG for Men’s Rights

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died of metastatic pancreatic cancer September 18th, 2020. While many mourned her death, viewing her as a feminist icon and champion for women’s rights, one Wesleyan student saw it as an opportunity.

“I just feel that men’s rights have taken a back seat to women’s rights in recent years, and I think it’s time for that to change,” said Ron Kaczynski ‘24, citing “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion as one of the ways in which women’s rights are getting “too out of hand”. 

Kaczynski is planning to major in CSS, hoping the rigorous course load will increase his chances of getting nominated for Supreme Court Justice. He is still in the process of picking between Yale and Harvard Law Schools to go to straight after graduating. 

When asked about how he plans to start off this project he said, “Yeah I’m actually thinking about making shirts that say ‘Nevertheless s(HE) Persisted’ just to drive home the whole men’s rights thing.”

Zoom Graduation Interrupted by Cat Yakking a Big One

EVANSTON, IL — On May 17, 2020, Wesleyan seniors gathered behind their laptop screens to celebrate the greatest accomplishment of their undergraduate careers. Although separated by the tragedies of a sudden pandemic, the class of 2020 stood staid to receive their diplomas with the grace and significance such a moment deserves. That is, until the cat started hacking up a really huge one, even for him. 

As President Michael Roth delivered his commencement address to the grief-stricken seniors, he emphasized the role of resilience in these uncertain times, and how far the class has come in terms of their academic achievements. These praises did not ring as meaningfully as they might have been if Toaster hadn’t eaten so many cat treats the night before. 

“Jesus Christ, Toaster,” Will Nattick ’20 chided, forgetting to mute his microphone on Zoom. “Do you have to do that on the carpet?” 

Toaster appeared not to notice Nattick’s suggestions, too preoccupied with the massive obstruction working its way up his little kitty throat. In the background, Nattick’s name had been called with a virtual message of “Congratulations.” 

Nattick’s first act as a college graduate was to clean up Toaster’s mess before it sunk too deep into the carpet fibers.

Swings Introduces New Valentine’s Day Pail of Condoms, Melted Chocolate

MIDDLETOWN, CT— Following the success of their 4/20 and Thanksgiving pails, campus restaurant WesWings has introduced a holiday meal sure to rile your appetite. The new Valentine’s Day pail features the classic Swings takeout box filled to the brim with smooth-glide condoms and melted chocolate.

“We wanted something that felt romantic, but still accessible to the average cynical college student,” Swings owner Ed Thorndike ‘78 told The Groundhog. “You could eat it on your own, but it’s also big enough to split with a partner.”

In the spirit of inclusivity, Swings will also offer a dental dam option and a latex-free pail. “We thought about making the chocolate dairy-free, but we thought the post-consumption stomach pain was really important to the dining experience.” Thorndike continued. “It’s a lot like love, in that way.”

When asked to elaborate on that comparison, Thorndike refused. “This is exactly what I want out of a pail,” Sam Jellious ‘22, an avid WesWings patron, said. “It tastes kinda gross after a while and there’s no nutritional value, but if I buy it, everyone will think that I’m having sex.”

Usdan Loudside Gets a Hibachi Table, Becomes “Hibachi Side”

MIDDLETOWN, CT – After years of being labeled as the eating area for athletes and frat bros, the loud side of Wesleyan’s Usdan University Center will finally be getting a hibachi table. No longer will patrons of the loud side have to wait in line at Mongolian grill and then trudge all the way back to their tables; now they will be able to get their fried rice from the comfort of their seat. 

“Listen I love Mongo as much as the next guy,” said Chuck Logan ‘20, captain of the rowing team. “But being able to get my six egg breakfast sandwich while sitting with my friggin dudes? PLUS an onion volcano? Nothing beats that.” 

Sources close to Bon Appetit management have confirmed that the Hibachi Chef will be doing “All the classics,” like the onion volcano, and the shrimp in the pocket toss, and of course, squirting sake into the mouths of eager guests. When asked about this, Logan replied simply “It’s about time we got some long-range sake in Usdan.”