Scientists Baffled: Freshmen Talking in Olin Develop Immunity to Dirty Looks

OLIN LIBRARY, 2ND FLOOR- Scientists are baffled as 56% of the class of 2021 continue to make unprecedented amounts of chatter in Olin despite withering glares from upperclassmen.

“The number of freshmen who tested positive for ‘not giving a fuck that this is a designated quiet space’ is up 200%” since 2015, according to Alex Silver, PhD.

Professor Silver can no longer enjoy the scenic Art Library and now has to sit in her dingy basement office to experience “some goddamn peace and quiet.”

Some affected first years are fully aware that they’re annoying, and are overjoyed in how much this doesn’t bother them.

“I’m so excited that I can express my opinions about internet culture in a space that should be used for studying,” says Johnny Tinyhat, ‘21. “I also like to complain loudly about my bad grades instead of actually doing my homework.”

Others are remarkably oblivious to the fact that they’re disruptive. Luna Thompson claims that “the upperclassmen are definitely glaring at us because they’re jealous we came up with WesWorn.”

Davison Health Center is currently in the research phase of a vaccine that would both quiet down the freshmen and let them know they’re not edgy just because they wear Carhartt.

Sun Totally Blacks Out, Remembers Nothing

On August 21, 2017, for the first time in almost 100 years, the sun totally blacked out in front of the entire nation. How embarrassing! We thought after all this time, the sun would learn its limits but I guess not.

“I almost couldn’t look directly at it,” said Heather Gingham, one witness. “It was pretty hard to watch. The sun was SO GONE.”

Some partygoers from other parts of the nation deny allegations that the sun had blacked out completely, claiming that it was only a “partial blackout.”

“The sun seemed pretty normal to me, but I did go home early,” said Californian resident Jim Horton. “It’s a good thing this is such a rare occurrence. If the sun blacked out too often I would be seriously concerned about its habits.”