Student DMs Absentee Ballot

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan University has always been known as a progressive campus, in terms of its social life, political activism, and tech use. However, this progressive attitude may have come back to haunt its students ahead of the 2018 midterm elections this Tuesday. According to the social media director for the instagram account of the NYC Board of Elections (@boeNYC), they have received 127 direct messages, or “DMs,” from Wesleyan students attempting to send in their absentee ballots.

Sophomore Austin Malonee notes, “I mean this is 2018. Who even uses envelopes and mail services anymore? Plus like, if they’re going to have their instagram on public, they should expect these kinds of things. Just like screenshot it or something.”

Although they declined to be interviewed, Social Media Director for the Board of Elections, Maria Sokolov, pointed out that “the instagram features almost exclusively tips on how to properly vote,” and that “[the students] really had to ignore all of the posts to even consider this course of action.”

With election day finally upon us, will the Wesleyan campus be able to break free of its millennial/Gen-Y/Generation Z mindset in order to engage with democracy? I guess we’ll have to find out.

Resource Center Debuts Confessional Booth for Problematic Students

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Since arriving on campus last year, the Resource Center has been doing its part to make individuals and student groups more aware of their social justice discourses. At times, students have looked to the center for personal advice on how to be more “woke,” performatively lamenting their own transgressions. To keep up with demand for these self-flagellating students, the Resource Center has debuted a confessional booth for anyone wishing to report their problematic behavior.

“I tell everyone I’m bisexual, but I actually reinforce a lot of heteronormative practices in my dating life,” one confessor, Helen Polk ’21 admitted. “I’ll make out with girls at parties but I only end up in long-term situations with dudes.”

Students of all backgrounds, not just Catholics, have been embracing this absolution of guilt.

“I interrupted a girl in my sociology class,” Steven Green ’19 said. “She was making a really good point but I also had a really good point and I just barreled through her. I feel really bad about it.”

After confessing, some students have reported they feel freer to repeat the same offensive behavior, but now with a more black-and-white perception of right and wrong. For others, this confessional marks the first genuine moment of self-reflection they’ve experienced since arriving at Wesleyan.

“I wear thrifted clothes and play up my ambiguous queerness so people forget my class privilege,” a student who wish to remained anonymous confessed. “Everyone is rich at Wesleyan anyway, right?”

 

5 Long-Term Birth Control Options to Get You Through Armageddon

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the recent Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh putting American reproductive rights at risk, now is as good a time as ever to think about long-term birth control. The next few years could descend into a trash fire at any moment, and the last thing you want is an intruder in your womb to deal with. Here are five reliable options to keep the bun out of your oven when the Russians take over:

1. Mirena IUD

The Mirena IUD is a hormone implant that lodges firmly in your uterine wall, and prevents fetal inconveniences for up to six years. In the frightening event that Trump wins his reelection, this IUD will cover you throughout his whole term!

2. Birth Control Implant

This hormone implant goes in your arm instead of your vag, which makes insertion a little less invasive and terrifying, but the side effects even more pronounced. Being a woman is amazing! The arm implant lasts up to four years, which means that assuming Planned Parenthood is still open four years from now, you’ll have to make another appointment!

3. Copper IUD

Unlike the above options, the copper IUD doesn’t rely on hormones, but still causes painful and inconvenient side effects anyway! We love an inconsistent bitch. The plus side is that the copper implant lasts for up to 12 years, and depending on your age, you might be barren by the time it wears off anyway. Most dictatorships get more lax after the first decade anyway, so this option might be perfect for you and your rapidly declining political situation!

4. Underground All-Female Commune

At some point, the only way to get through this shit is to pull a reverse Handmaid’s Tale and create your own woman-led society in the sewers. Without any men to impregnate you, there’s no need for birth control in the first place!

5. Crocs

Let’s face it: you’re a millennial. You don’t want to bring children into this world anyway. Just commit to wearing crocs 24/7 until shit blows over. It’s cheaper than getting your tubes tied, and you can accessorize with some fun Jibbitz.

Vegetarian at Barbecue Just Here for the Political Arguments

SPRINGFIELD, ILLINOIS — Barbecues. What better way to show your love for your country than deep-throating five hot dogs? However, at a local Fourth of July celebration, vegetarian nephew Simon Lewis admits he is both unable and uninterested in eating the meat-centric spread.

“No one bothers to make any veggie burgers for me, and I’ve given up asking at this point,” Lewis said, a current junior at Vassar College and two-year vegetarian. “The only thing sustaining me is a hunger for brick-wall political arguments with my conservative family members.”

Independence Day has always been an especially politically charged holiday, perhaps owing to its proclivity to gastrointestinal distress and fiery explosives.

“I don’t miss the taste of meat when it’s just as satisfying to tell Aunt Linda that America was built by genocidal, slave-owning colonizers,” Lewis said. “She nearly dropped her NPR bag.”

When asked what food at the barbecue he can eat, Lewis said that he does eat the mac and cheese. When asked about the environmental impact of the dairy industry, Lewis cut across the backyard, muttering something about picking a fight with Grandpa Larry.

 

5 Ways to Make Feminism Apply Only to You

BROOKLYN, NY — Uh oh, guys. The “F” word. Feminism. It sure is a lot to live up to! With as many diverse women as there are opinions on feminism, there’s no such thing as a perfect feminist. Luckily, with these simple tips, you can convince people otherwise, and carry yourself as the One True Holder of Feminist Knowledge. Feminism means women should be able to do whatever they want, so why wouldn’t that apply to you and no one else?

1. Shut out queer voices and women of color, but make sure your laptop has a sticker with something like “#GirlPower!”

If you don’t have a pink laptop sticker with a generic “feminist” phrase, you can’t lord your opinions over everyone else in your FGSS class. Them’s just the rules.

2. Refuse to take criticism for your personal actions, maybe throwing in a phrase like “Women should support other women” for good measure.

Being a woman is tough, which is why you get to be the victim, always.

3. Don’t bother to learn the difference between tokenism and representation.

It’s totally not weird to ask your one black friend to open for your show on Saturday. It’ll be super great, there will be so many (white) women there!

4. Negate other forms of marginalization because you’re too busy listening to “Melodrama” on Spotify.

If someone asks you about the historic relationship between white women and men of color, just bob your head to Lorde’s soothing croons. She definitely had the biggest snub in Grammy history.

5. Invest in a nice mirror, because it’s the only form of self-reflection you’ll ever get.

Also great for selfies.

How To Be Feminist And Still Fuck Misogynists

MIDDLETOWN, CT — With Halloweekend approaching, hookup and party culture at Wesleyan is in full force. You want to indulge in the night life, but you don’t want to disappoint your FGSS professor. How does the average college student stay up-to-date on feminist principle while still having sex with chauvinistic assholes? The Groundhog is here to help.

1. Laugh it off.

Brad just made a pretty sexist comment at the LAX pregame. Are you gonna be a buzzkill and ruin your chances with him? No, better just laugh it off. It was a pretty funny joke, you just need to lighten up a bit!

2. Claim “He’s not usually like this” whenever he does anything characteristically shitty.

Yeah, Tyler was acting pretty creepy at Pine Palace last night. He was really drunk, though. He’s usually a total sweetheart, like 30% of the time.

3. Hold everyone else to a higher standard than your own.

You don’t have to recognize your partner’s very conspicuous faults when you’re too busy criticizing everyone else’s ideological purity. Toss around phrases like, “You deserve so much better” while continuing to ignore your own glaring hypocrisies.

4. Claim it’s sexual liberation and then plug your ears with wax when anyone asks you to explain further.

You can’t hear them now!

5. Make a bunch of softboy memes to feel better about yourself.

Conspiracy Theorists Campaign To Change Earth House To ‘Flat Earth House’

MIDDLETOWN, CT — On September 18, on-campus conspiracy theorists and science deniers unveiled their proposal to rename Earth House “Flat Earth House.”

“We’re tired of Wesleyan and Reslife prioritizing the agenda of liberal sheep,” said one theorist, who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s about time we scrapped a program that caters to a global hoax like climate change, and started shedding light on the indisputable fact that the Earth is flat.”

When asked how he could use words like “global” and still believe the Earth is flat, our source refused to comment.

Potential programs for the new Flat Earth House, or “FlarthHo”, include picketing astrological phenomenons such as the eclipse based on the grounds that spread dangerous falsehoods about orbits and celestial bodies.

“If the world is round, why are maps flat?” said another proposal leader. “If the Earth was round, people would just fall off it. Wake up, Wesleyan.”

Donald Trump Fired From Role as President

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Early Monday morning, the White House announced that Donald J. Trump, the elected President of the United States, had been fired from his only recently mandated role as President of the United States by President Donald Trump himself.

The President took to Twitter to announce the latest shakeup in the White House, after having already fired Chief of Staff Reince Preibus and Director of Communications Anthony Scaramucci.

“Donald Trump is a failure of a president! Only lies and threats. Real Americans know that I am the only one really looking after them! New President to be announced soon.”

In other news, the entire staff of the Washington Post resigned shortly after the announcement.

“I thought journalism was dead,” said one Washington Post staffer. “Now I know that it will never die, and I need to get the fuck out while I can.”

 

 

Donald Trump Attempts to Close Borders Bookstore

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After his first few controversial weeks in office, Donald Trump has signed what pundits and media analysts are calling “the least controversial executive order in the history of the presidency.” A substantial six years after the literature and music retailer declared for bankruptcy in February, 2011, Donald Trump has decided to “close all American Borders,” citing a substantial wall blocking the company from making future progress.

 

  “Reading is great if you want to seem like a huge nerd,” the President continued. “I was never called a nerd in grade school, never happened. Never.”

 

  Earlier today, confused White House staff tried to explain the defunct status of the company to the President in a closed-door briefing before the President signed the executive order. The President immediately defended his position, saying that his buying the hardcover edition of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone for $20 from Borders was “the worst trade deal ever approved in this country.”

 

  He reiterated that his presidential skill in carrying out the order should not go unnoticed, saying, “It’s just incredible. I closed down the corporation AND lost no jobs. No other president could have done that.”
  Trump released a final statement saying that he fully understands the implications of his executive order, and that no one was more qualified to close down Borders as “no one understands bankruptcy like I do.”

Steve Bannon: If Global Warming is Real Then Why is My Heart So Cold

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The topic of climate change has been hotly debated for decades, but even more so in the advent of the Trump administration, which has already removed pages about global warming from the EPA website. Chief Strategist Steve Bannon recently reiterated his position regarding global climate change.

“If global warming is real, then why is my heart so cold?” Bannon announced to the press, between sips of what he insisted was cranberry juice but was probably goat’s blood.

When approached with hard data involving the loss of Arctic glaciers and rising sea levels, Bannon merely pointed to his chest and whispered, “This shit is absolutely frozen.”

Experts agreed that Bannon’s heart exceeded all known scientific records when it came to complete frigidity. At its current rate, global warming could only even hope to melt Bannon’s heart in the year 3039.