MIDDLETOWN, CT – Wesleyan President Michael Roth was recently seen running around the college campus with a water gun full of gasoline, yelling “divest this!” at the top of his lungs. Though Wesleyan students had known for a long time that the university’s administration was far from cooperative on the issue of divesting from oil, students didn’t expect to get blasted in the face by a squirt of crude oil while leaving classes.
When asked if he would ever consider recommending a plan of divestment to the Wesleyan board of trustees, President Roth replied that he would do it “if anyone can catch me”, before proceeding to strip naked, grease himself up in petroleum, and sprint down Foss Hill.
So, the craziest thing just happened. You were minding your business, texting while driving, when a car comes out of nowhere and nearly side-swipes you. Ugh! It must be Aries season. You come home, and your roommate is mad at you because you forgot to wash the dishes AGAIN. Total Aries season move, am I right? What other frustrations could you face in the following month? Will your ex-boyfriend give you an unexpected call, after you’ve been texting him for weeks? Will the FBI uncover a wide-reaching college admissions scandal that implicates you and your family for fraud? Who knows. It all depends on your own personal choices and actions, and the following consequences for your behavior. Or, you could blame it on Aries season! You’re SUCH a Libra anyway.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Machiavellian mastermind President Michael Roth has once again outmaneuvered the students of Wesleyan, shutting down the campus’ nightlife just in time for his birthday, all but forcing them all to attend his paintball party. “I wish I could be upset even, but I just have to respect him,” said senior socialite Lou Harrison ‘19. “As per usual, Roth’s cunning has surpassed all expectations. If we want to party, we’ll have to go play paintball with him.”
Only a few days after an email went out to all seniors announcing that parties in wood frames were essentially banned, fliers went up all over campus inviting students to an event called “Michael Roth’s Birthday Spectacular”, an event that will be hosted Friday night in Beckham hall. With such activities as paintball, a bouncy castle, and a live performance by Michael Roth’s Genesis cover band.
This is only the most recent in a long line of Roth’s dastardly machinations. Previous examples of his strategic masterstrokes include very cleverly not funding CAPS and airing his beef with his son for everyone to see.
MIDDLETOWN, CT – Two weeks ago Paul Pollola ‘22 was brought into the fold of the Wesleyan Bell-Ringers, the most exclusive secret society on campus, and has been forced to do an unimaginable number of horrific tasks in the time since. “I thought since the only other member of the society was Ted (Greene, ‘19), hazing would be pretty low-key,” said Pollola, while struggling to finish an enormous bell that had been filled with beer. “But the opposite has really been true, I’ve really been put through the ringer.”
It’s long been rumored that the Bell-Ringers have the most elaborate initiation process of any of the secret societies on campus, and now it’s been confirmed. With tasks ranging from having to ring bells while running across hot coals to having to ring bells while being dunked repeatedly into a toilet, new initiates are truly put through the ringer.
“Back in my day, we used to have to figure how to play dubstep on the Chapel Bells! Do you have any idea how hard that is? Those songs have almost no bells!” reported Greene, the ringleader and only other member of the society. He then went on, adding “Oh and if you messed up they’d spank you with a cricket bat.”
Members of both Skull and Serpent and Mystical Seven were not willing to go on record, but did agree that what Pollola had to go through made their respective initiations look like nothing. “I mean we had to do some crazy stuff,” said one anonymous secret society member. “But I heard the Bell-Ringers have to eat a bell, poop it out, and then eat it again. I mean, they really get put through the ringer.”
1. You know a lot about wine
2. You’re wearing a beret
3. Your lungs are slowly morphing into gills
4. You call any form of transportation “The Metro”
5. You have a fundamental understanding of how the British Empire irrevocably shaped the Western world
6. You’re hung like a fucking horse
7. You have been breathing underwater for 19 successive minutes now
8. You get art
MIDDLETOWN, CT – When a historically male fraternity went “co-ed” a few years ago, rumors circulated about said “deconstruction of historical power hierarchies through the inclusion of women.” We spoke with an unnamed female-identifying brother about her membership in the fraternity.
“I just don’t see ‘brother’ as a gendered term anymore,” she said, standing under multiple composites of endearing white men from the early 20th century. “I definitely think the word is changing, and doesn’t really mean just men anymore.”
When asked if she ever called the men in her fraternity “sisters,” she thought about it for a minute. “No,” she answered. “That would be weird. They’re obviously boys.”
CHARLESTON, SC –– That’s right folks, you heard it here first; the Thanksgiving turkey will not be the only thing getting stuffed tonight. This report is coming directly from the household of Ana ’19 and Zeke Roberts ‘22, after they experienced a plight of anything-but-inconspicuous double entendre between their grandparents during the Turkey-day preparations.
“At first we weren’t sure,” Began Ana, “It started with a subtle zucchini joke here and a creamed corn joke there. But it really flew over the edge once Pop Pops asked for ‘a good amount of stuffing,’ and Grammy responded ‘oh don’t you want to wait until tonight for that?’”
Zeke added, “Oh god, but the worst bit was when we were all at the table going around saying what we were thankful for. It began really wholesomely, you know? Like people saying family and friends, and whatever. When it got to Pop Pops, however, he just got this disgusting little twinkle in his eye and whispered to Grammy about her ‘gentle touch,’ ‘hip dexterity,’ and their ‘little purple thing that she knows just where to put.’”
Ana and Zeke reportedly had a difficult time processing this surprising information. Zeke even noted that he “made sure to leave the table before anyone could offer up the pumpkin cream pie for dessert.” Ana also stated, “I’d honestly be proud that they’re still active if it hadn’t ruined my appetite for half the food on the table.”
Thanksgiving is coming around and one thing is on all of our minds. I know what you’re all thinking. Which of my cousins is it ok to hit on at dinner? Which of the people I am related to is it ok to do the nasty with? I spent the past three days scrolling through instagram, Grandma’s facebook albums, and local incest laws, so I consider myself pretty much the expert. Here are my findings:
Paul – Paul is an interesting case, in that I could totally fuck him if I wanted to, but really have no interest in it. Yeah he’s my brother in law’s friend from college, but why take the risk of familial embarrassment for a guy who wears polo shirts tucked into basketball shorts and calls everyone “babe”?
Krista – Kind of the Bermuda triangle here. Not sure what to make of Krista. She’s a second cousin, so it would be legal in some states, and but I’m not sure I’m into it. Would only fuck if Darren turns me down.
Darren – The fucking dream, Darren married my third cousin and has a bod that simply REFUSES to quit.
Jamie – I think of Jamie as kind of a project. Very related, but not quite hot enough yet. Give it a few years and Jamie could become a real Darren situation. I have high hopes. Maybe next 4th of July barbecue?
Terry – Real nightmare scenario. Not only is Terry like a brother to me, but he has a gross mustache and only eats things that have way too much garlic on them. Terry gets a 0/10 on fuckability
Pete – Oh Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete. So hot, and yet so closely related. Is it worth it? God, I hope so, I already instagram dmed him “excited for thanksgiving lol 😉 ;)”
Aunt Linda – No comment.
PHILADELPHIA, PA — After facing consequences for her actions for the first time in years, local woman Sydney Robertson has decided to swear off all fuckboys, as they must be the sole source of her hardships.
Robertson has reportedly made a Spotify playlist to commemorate the occasion, titled, “SELF CARE <33” featuring “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande, “Party for One” by Carly Rae Jepsen, and “Liability” from Lorde’s MELODRAMA period. Robertson has expressed this new desire for self-love/pity on account of the fact that no one wants to deal with her bullshit anymore.
Last weekend for Halloween, Robertson dressed as a fuckboy, which caused much confusion among partygoers who could not tell the costume apart from her usual attire.
“I’m just like, so focusing on myself right now,” Robertson stated, as if this was any different from her normal selfish behavior.
MIDDLETOWN, CT — Archibald Rogers ’21 has recently returned to campus from a much anticipated trip to upstate New York. The trip was unlike any upstate trip Rogers had taken with his loaded family, nay, it was something much more meaningful: a Buddhist meditation retreat.
Rogers, who had been treating the people in his life with the same awareness and understanding as a rock, had decided to take himself on this trip in the hopes that he’d return a better person.
To his disappointment, he did not.
Not only did Rogers not improve his lifestyle and toxic behavior, he actually became more intolerable now that he’s more zen about it. Before, he had the anxiety of worrying about being an asshole, now he’s just chill about being one. Perhaps the trip in May, where there won’t be any cell service, will do the trick.