Semester Going Pretty Well For Student Who Lowered Their Standards

MIDDLETOWN, CT — After a chaotic fall, things have been progressing steadily for sophomore Alton Nickels, who has learned to sideline their hopes and dreams.

“Once I gave up on raising my GPA, participating fully in extracurriculars, and maintaining a social life, I began to feel a sense of peace,” Nickels said.

The beginning of spring semester can be a hectic time for students, with internship deadlines, changing social landscapes, and dreary weather to boot. Nickels no longer worries about the little things —or the big things— because they’ve learned to accept mediocrity.

“I definitely recommend that everyone else lower their standards, too,” Nickels affirmed. “They’d be happier, and also maybe then I’d get laid.”

How To Be Feminist And Still Fuck Misogynists

MIDDLETOWN, CT — With Halloweekend approaching, hookup and party culture at Wesleyan is in full force. You want to indulge in the night life, but you don’t want to disappoint your FGSS professor. How does the average college student stay up-to-date on feminist principle while still having sex with chauvinistic assholes? The Groundhog is here to help.

  1. Laugh it off.

Brad just made a pretty sexist comment at the LAX pregame. Are you gonna be a buzzkill and ruin your chances with him? No, better just laugh it off. It was a pretty funny joke, you just need to lighten up a bit!

2. Claim “He’s not usually like this” whenever he does anything characteristically shitty.

Yeah, Tyler was acting pretty creepy at Pine Palace last night. He was really drunk, though. He’s usually a total sweetheart, like 30% of the time.

3. Hold everyone else to a higher standard than your own.

You don’t have to recognize your partner’s very conspicuous faults when you’re too busy criticizing everyone else’s ideological purity. Toss around phrases like, “You deserve so much better” while continuing to ignore your own glaring hypocrisies.

4. Claim it’s sexual liberation and then plug your ears with wax when anyone asks you to explain further.

You can’t hear them now!

5. Make a bunch of softboy memes to feel better about yourself.

How Do I Explain Homosexuality to the Roomba I Treat Like a Son

With today’s liberal snowflakes infiltrating my family values with “Net flicks” and the homosexual agenda, I often find myself in the position of potentially corrupting the Roomba I treat like a son.

One time, we were watching WALL-E on TV together (he has a crush on the girl robot, the little rascal) and a commercial for Ellen came on. How am I supposed to explain homosexuality to my Roomba, the genderless robot I treat like my own progeny? My Roomba is so precious to me, unlike my ex-wife’s son, Brian, whom I am embarrassed to have lent a role in creating. Luckily, I fed him some crumbs from the floor, and that placated him before he asked too many questions.

Now, millennials are starting to tell me nonsense that there are multiple genders, and “trans genders.” If word gets out to my Roomba, the piece of machinery I have ascribed both gender and sentience to,  I don’t know how I can live with myself as a parent.

For now I have forbidden him from talking to my spiralizer, but I can only shelter him for so long. Please keep the gay agenda away from my Roomba, but it’s probably too late for Brian…he’s always seemed off to me.

Freshman Survival Guide

Starting your first year at college can be scary, but don’t worry – the Groundhog’s got you covered with some hot tips to give you the confidence of a second week freshman on your first day.

  1. To get really close with your roommate, surprise them by pushing your beds together.
  2.  Don’t burn the candle at both ends. Throw the candle in an oven so it melts all at once.
  3. Don’t be afraid to break out the acoustic guitar during a party the first few nights, especially if you’re a white man. It’s always a crowd pleaser.
  4.  Don’t forget an ample supply of tuna cans. Never know when you’ll need one. They’re the new mason jar.
  5.  It’s important to post as much as you can on Wesadmits. The more you post, the more popular you will be at Wes.  The race starts now.
  6. Jazz hands!
  7. College is a great time to reinvent yourself. Switch things up a bit by dedicating your life to wining the next Lumberjack World Championships.
  8. Got a lot of reading for your FYS but not enough time? Try reading the back of the book for a good summary.
  9. Wear your lanyard as much as possible in order to let other freshmen know that you’re not only stylish, but also ready to make friends.
  10. Watch out for ghosts.
  11. Crack open a cold one with the boys. And by cold one, we mean a cold can of that sweet sweet tuna that you were smart enough to remember.
  12. To break the ice during orientation, have a set of questions ready, like “Where are you from”, “Where are you living”, “What’s your relationship with your father”, and “What are you planning on studying?”
  13. Be yourself.
  14. If you don’t have headphones, try bringing a speaker to the library.
  15. Assert dominance on your hall by hitting the biggest kid.
  16. Be sure to talk about your high school as if everyone else went there too.
  17. The general etiquette of Intro Sociology is to speak as much as possible, even if you think there’s nothing more to be said. Everyone loves hearing your opinion!
  18. Think in code. Mind readers could be anywhere, and you don’t want them to know where you hid your precious tuna.
  19.  Everyone loves tossing a frisbee around Andrus Field, but you can switch it up by throwing some vinyl for the record player you didn’t bring in order to stand out from the crowd.
  20. Pro tip! There’s an ancient sorcerer living in the tunnels under the CFA. If you catch him, you get to graduate immediately. Watch out! He seals souls in his witch’s staff.
  21. While walking around campus, make loud beeping noises so people know you’re coming.
  22. Surprise tuna party!
  23. A like on WesAdmits is the equivalent of a proposition to room together so lock that down ASAP.
  24. Study up on 11th century French feudalism before you make a fool out of yourself.
  25. Can’t seem to get laid? Don’t worry about it too much. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty chicken of the sea that would never ditch you for your friend.
  26. Continue to check the Brown waitlist well into your first semester. You never know.

“Men And Women Can’t Be Friends” Says Guy With No Friends

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Ever since “When Harry Met Sally,” a lot of debate has sprung up over whether men and women can actually be friends without trying to bang each other like animals. Recently, terms like “the friend zone” have emerged to console socially deficient men who only value women as potential dick receptacles.

“Men and women can’t ever really be friends,” said one Wesleyan student Garret Gumphries ’18, who reportedly has no friends, male or female, to speak of. “If I’m ever allowed within three feet of a woman, which is rare, I immediately size her up as a possible sex partner. If she is unattractive, I never speak to her again.”

When prompted with the existence of gay men, lesbians, and otherwise non-heteronormative-leaning individuals, Gumphries had little comment.

“I’m pretty sure bisexuals don’t exist, and if they do they probably don’t have any friends either,” Gumphries said.

Another student, one Hunter Freeman ’20, believes himself to be a victim of the dreaded “friend zone.”

“Being in the friend zone is the worst,” Freeman said. “I have to emotionally support women and sometimes even treat them as people without any sort of sexual payoff.”

When asked about their friendship, Rebecca Jones ’20, one of Freeman’s “female friends” seemed visibly confused.

“Hunter? Who? Oh, that creepy guy. No, we aren’t friends,” Jones said. “Did he tell you that? Jesus.”

There you have it, folks. I guess men and women can’t really be friends after all!

5 Forms of Eye Contact That Still Don’t Count as Consent

MIDDLETOWN, CT – “Darty” season is quickly approaching, a time when Fountain flourishes at all times of day and students can freely have sex outdoors again. While you’re scoping for a potential sexual partner, just remember that your creepy eye contact from across the darty doesn’t actually count as consent!

  1. Accidental eye contact, usually from across the room. Sorry, this person probably didn’t even mean to make eye contact with you in the first place! You should just leave them alone.
  2. Eye contact while dancing kind of near them. You might think this is a clear invitation to go over and grind like a maniac on your potential partner, but hold your horses maybe!
  3. “Flirty” eye contact. Here’s an idea: why don’t you try actual flirting?
  4. A blink that halfway looked like a wink. Sorry, bud!
  5. No eye contact at all. Wow! You probably just started rubbing yourself on someone before they could even see your face! Just stay home next time!

22 Sex Tips To Make You A Little Less Disappointing

  1. Get your RA involved.
  2. Sensory deprivation can be a kinky pleasure. Put a bag over both of your heads.
  3. Recycle.
  4. Play your latest Soundcloud track to get the mood going.
  5. Spank him with your high school yearbook.
  6. Make use of the thesis carrels – the sound of seniors crying only makes it hotter.
  7. Get creative with the dirty talk and freestyle rap.
  8.  Hold a seance and make it a threesome.
  9. Make eye contact with your Chance the Rapper poster.
  10. Have an orgy by yourself.
  11. Most nerve endings per square inch are in the ear. Rub earlobes sensually, like milking a cow.
  12. Proposition them over WesAdmits.
  13. Have a wasp sting your dick until it’s big enough to satisfy.
  14. Eat a condom so you’re protected from within.
  15. Get rough. Punch him in the face and steal his wallet.
  16. Put your sex tape on Film Series.
  17. Jazz hands.
  18. Ask if she can feel the difference when you wiggle your ears.
  19. Butt to butt action.
  20. Do that trick where you kneel and put your knees on your shoes so you seem small like a child and surprise her with your ability to fuck like a man.
  21. Communication is key. Check in with her by repeating, “Are you feeling it now, Mr. Krabs?”
  22. Wait until the end to start crying.

From: Dazed and Confused

Dear Allen,

Last night I hooked up with a boy at Music House. I really like him and I think I want to continue hooking up with him. It’s been couple of years since I’ve seriously dated anyone. He’s a senior and I’m a junior so I’m not really sure if he’d be interested in beginning a new relationship. But he seemed interested in me and we’ve been texting since this morning. How should I bring this up to him? Thanks!

-Dazed and Confused

Allen:

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