The Groundhog Unveils New Platform For Women: The Beaver

It’s time to talk about the elephant in the room: The Groundhog is pretty male-skewed. We love women, but for some reason women don’t love us. Instead of reflecting deeply on the latent sexism in comedy writing, we came up with the next best thing: a complete redesign, made special for the ladies. Just like pink razors, pink LEGOs, and pink self-defense pepper spray, we’ve designed the new Groundhog to appeal especially to women, to make their needs heard. We’re proud to introduce: The Beaver. It’s the Groundhog, but for women.

Not enough for you? We’re pivoting all of our reporting to the kind of coverage that women just can’t get enough of. You’re getting Lifestyle, Food, Fashion, Style, Health, Foodstyle, Life Fashion, and a brand-new advice column specifically for how to get your 30-year-old boyfriend to do the dishes and/or give you an orgasm more than three times a year. Men, am I right, ladies?

The Beaver can’t wait to satisfy all your womanly needs. We’re also launching a merchandise section of feminine products such as $40 white T-shirts that say “I’m A Woman. Is There A Problem?” and “Girl Power!” with a public domain image of Rosie the Riveter, but she has a septum piercing. Please let us capitalize off of your sense of empowerment. 

So you see, there’s no way you can accuse us of sexism. We’ve heard you, and we’ve changed. Look out for upcoming articles in the works, such as “Feel Good About Your Body, But Keep Dieting Though” and “How to Use Astrology to Justify Your Breakup.” The Beaver wants to help you embrace your womanhood, and above all, never look beyond it.

Wes Students Stage All-White Production of “Hamilton”

MIDDLETOWN, CT — In a new twist to an instant classic, Wesleyan is putting up an all-white rendition of “Hamilton,” citing historical accuracy as one of its main creative motives.

“Obviously we love Lin Manuel Miranda, and we wanted to pay homage to his largest and most well-known show to-date,” the show’s director shared in an interview with The Groundhog. “We felt like changing up the casting would keep the show fresh, and we also value the historical context surrounding these events and want to stay true to that essence.”

Student theater at Wesleyan has come under fire of late for inadequately supporting PoC work, and for haphazardly shoving actors of color into white narratives. The creative team behind this new “Hamilton” hoped that this time, shoving white actors into PoC roles would appease complaints.

“We truly have no idea how to make theater less white, and we figured it’s time to just lean into whatever it is that we’re doing here,” the director commented between frantic GCal updates. “White people especially love ‘Hamilton,’ so why not put on a show that caters to that audience?”

Checkmate, Students: Michael Roth Shuts Down Campus Parties Just In Time for His Birthday Spectacular

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Machiavellian mastermind President Michael Roth has once again outmaneuvered the students of Wesleyan, shutting down the campus’ nightlife just in  time for his birthday, all but forcing them all to attend his paintball party. “I wish I could be upset even, but I just have to respect him,” said senior socialite Lou Harrison ‘19. “As per usual, Roth’s cunning has surpassed all expectations. If we want to party, we’ll have to go play paintball with him.”

Only a few days after an email went out to all seniors announcing that parties in wood frames were essentially banned, fliers went up all over campus inviting students to an event called “Michael Roth’s Birthday Spectacular”, an event that will be hosted Friday night in Beckham hall. With such activities as paintball, a bouncy castle, and a live performance by Michael Roth’s Genesis cover band.

This is only the most recent in a long line of Roth’s dastardly machinations. Previous examples of his strategic masterstrokes include very cleverly not funding CAPS and airing his beef with his son for everyone to see.

New Chapel Bell-Ringer Goes Through Another Round of Humiliating Initiation

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Two weeks ago Paul Pollola ‘22 was brought into the fold of the Wesleyan Bell-Ringers, the most exclusive secret society on campus, and has been forced to do an unimaginable number of horrific tasks in the time since. “I thought since the only other member of the society was Ted (Greene, ‘19), hazing would be pretty low-key,” said Pollola, while struggling to finish an enormous bell that had been filled with beer. “But the opposite has really been true, I’ve really been put through the ringer.”

It’s long been rumored that the Bell-Ringers have the most elaborate initiation process of any of the secret societies on campus, and now it’s been confirmed. With tasks ranging from having to ring bells while running across hot coals to having to ring bells while being dunked repeatedly into a toilet, new initiates are truly put through the ringer.

“Back in my day, we used to have to figure how to play dubstep on the Chapel Bells! Do you have any idea how hard that is? Those songs have almost no bells!” reported Greene, the ringleader and only other member of the society. He then went on, adding “Oh and if you messed up they’d spank you with a cricket bat.”

Members of both Skull and Serpent and Mystical Seven were not willing to go on record, but did agree that what Pollola had to go through made their respective initiations look like nothing. “I mean we had to do some crazy stuff,” said one anonymous secret society member. “But I heard the Bell-Ringers have to eat a bell, poop it out, and then eat it again. I mean, they really get put through the ringer.”

UCAB Hosts Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy

MIDDLETOWN, CT – In honor of everybody’s favorite celebration of love, the Usdan Center Activities Board (UCAB) will be hosting a Sober Singles’ Valentine’s Orgy this Friday, February 15th, on the second floor of the Usdan University Center. UCAB’s Twitter advertised the advent as “a safe, sober, atmosphere where students are encouraged to fuck out their stresses in the name of love for the Wesleyan community.” Additionally noting that, “Lubricant, condoms, dental dams, gloves, and finger cots will all be provided, with the mood music chosen by our very own Ken, curator of Usdan’s loud side playlists.”

The event came as a surprise to much of the campus, with junior Jamie Andrus stating, “I never even knew UCAB threw events that people really went to. Have you ever asked someone where they were going Friday night and hoped they’d say ‘Usdan’?” Later adding “This might be the first time running into my crush in Usdan with a full mouth won’t be insanely embarrassing.”

The hype building up for the event has spread Valentine’s orgy fever around the campus rapidly. Multiple athletic teams have even banded together to make white and pink tear-off tracksuits emblazoned with the phrase “This is why… it’s called LOUD side” across the front, and a personalized picture of each athlete’s vinegar stroke on the back.

Although there has been some controversy in the past regarding space in Usdan, most UCAB members are sure students will use every table and chair for its most effective and efficient purpose, even with the expectation of mass numbers attending. Furthermore, you can be sure this Groundhog’s Staff will be poking its head out of hiding for it, even if February 2nd has long passed.

8 Signs Your Semester Abroad Irreversibly Changed You

1. You know a lot about wine

2. You’re wearing a beret

3. Your lungs are slowly morphing into gills

4. You call any form of transportation “The Metro”

5. You have a fundamental understanding of how the British Empire irrevocably shaped the Western world

6. You’re hung like a fucking horse

7. You have been breathing underwater for 19 successive minutes now

8. You get art

I Lived It: Someone Asked Me If I Was Abroad Last Semester

MIDDLETOWN, CT — Entering spring semester at Wesleyan University, I was prepared to see a lot of fresh faces on campus. Juniors are returning from their abroad experiences eager to dive back into life at Wes. I, however, was not one of those juniors. I’ve been here the whole time. Imagine my surprise, disdain, and horror, then, when a fellow junior I split an Uber with asked me if I was abroad last semester. She had not seen me around. How dare she? Have I not been going out enough? Has my mark on this community been so fleeting, so inconsequential, that it doesn’t even matter if I’m here at all? Have I might as well just existed on the other side of the planet for all the difference I’ve made in this person’s life? Does my small yet committed Letterboxd following mean NOTHING? (I only gave The Favourite 4 stars in a show of jaw-dropping self-restraint). It doesn’t matter. Nothing I do matters anymore. I didn’t go abroad last semester, but maybe, in a way, I did. Maybe I was the broad the whole time.

Groundhog Renders Wesleying Obsolete With Launch of Its Own Points Calculator

MIDDLETOWN, CT — For the better part of a decade, Wesleying has clung to relevancy among the smorgasbord of student publications with its state-of-the-art points calculator, allowing students to budget their meal plan without going hungry. (Anything less would be dangerous and irresponsible.) However, the Groundhog has been encroaching on Wesleying’s turf since 2016 with its own brand of humorous content. Now, the coup is complete with the launch of the Groundhog’s very own Points Calculator!

The Groundhog’s Points Calculator is a text-in service, personalized to your own eating habits. This cutting-edge technology will not only approximate how many points you have left, it will also guess what kind of food you’re most likely to spend your points on. Instead of ordering a Buffalo Chicken Salad from Summies to eat in your room alone, you can find out exactly how many more “salads” you can order this semester before begging on the staircase of Usdan! Simply text your number of points to 832-657-7117 and we will respond with exactly what you need to do to last out the semester.

Ex. “I have 500 points left and five weeks left in the semester!”

GPC: “I think you’re good?”

“Help! I only have 200 points left and it’s not even Thanksgiving!”

GPC: “Shit that’s crazy lol. Good luck tho.”

“Will my 1000 points plan last me through the spring?”

GPC: “Ehhh….yeah.”

Well there you have it! Sorry, Wesleying— you still have the Star and Crescent Menu.

Female Fraternity Brother Insists She Is Represented Equally

MIDDLETOWN, CT – When a historically male fraternity went “co-ed” a few years ago, rumors circulated about said “deconstruction of historical power hierarchies through the inclusion of women.” We spoke with an unnamed female-identifying brother about her membership in the fraternity.

“I just don’t see ‘brother’ as a gendered term anymore,” she said, standing under multiple composites of endearing white men from the early 20th century. “I definitely think the word is changing, and doesn’t really mean just men anymore.”

When asked if she ever called the men in her fraternity “sisters,” she thought about it for a minute. “No,” she answered. “That would be weird. They’re obviously boys.”

 

Santa’s Workshop Absorbed by Amazon

SANTA’S WORKSHOP, NORTH POLE – In a startling new Christmas development, Jeff Bezos has announced that Amazon will be absorbing Santa’s Workshop at the North Pole. Santa Claus has been struggling to keep up with demand for a while, and admits that Amazon’s state-of-the-art shipping system rivals the jolly old elf himself.

“I mean, we’ve been relying on reindeer technology for decades,” Claus said. “We had a jump on the whole globalization thing, but the Information Age has caught up to us. Amazon has cornered the online delivery market, plus their labor laws are even more depraved than mine. Like, I enslave childlike elves for their entire lives with no pay, but Amazon is on another level.”

Bezos is happy with the acquisition, citing the North Pole’s lax regulations on corporate businesses.

“We’re gonna bring a lot of jobs up north,” Bezos’ representative said in a press announcement. “With all the ice that’s melting, trickle-down economics have never been more applicable.”

Amazon’s technological advances will also revamp Santa’s surveillance models.

“At first, I had to keep a list and check it twice,” Claus said. “Now, I just monitor their shopping history and Internet browser activity with the help of my good pal Mr. Zuckerberg.”

So this Christmas eve, remember to leave out milk and cookies! It’s the only food your underpaid delivery person will get.