Sinful Partying Teens Swallowed by Hellpit

MIDDLETOWN – For too long we have indulged our every hedonistic whim, paying no heed to the possible punishment for our nightly sacrilege. For too long we have been greedy, lustful, gluttonous, and “sloth,” blinded to the true wrath of the almighty by our drunken hubris. For too long we have crammed into senior houses, and now we have become the architects of our own undoing.

Last Friday, a house party on Fountain was brought to a grinding halt during the third play of “Mo Bamba” when a Hellpit opened on the dance floor, pulling most of the soccer team, a bunch of freshmen and that one kid from your FYS into the fiery chasm below. Eye witness reports recall a voice from the depths calling out to the crowd. The disembodied, booming voice reportedly spoke in tongues, saying “Lorem ipsum dolor ResLife sit amet.” No expert we have contacted could decipher the ancient language, but if we were to make a conjecture, we would say it is probably not good.

The residents were pulled into a hell of their own – relocated and isolated in the Butts. There they will learn to repent. Hopefully, it will teach them to find enjoyment in prayer rather than partying.

This portal to the underworld has since been closed thanks to help from Physical Plant, but we cannot help but wonder if this will be the last. Until we return to the path of the righteous, please refrain from having any fun whatsoever.

New CAPS Therapist Clearly Just Michael Roth’s Dog Wearing Glasses

Students were disappointed last Friday when the much-anticipated new addition to the CAPS staff was revealed to be no more than President Michael Roth’s dog Mathilde wearing glasses.

“Dr. Woof is perfectly qualified for this position,” maintained Michael Roth. “She has over ten years of experience working as a psychologist for the St. Bernard Hospital, and her PhD thesis on dog therapy has been universally lauded for its conclusive and efficacious results,” he added, pointing at Dr. Woof’s doctorate from Barkeley University.

This development is unfortunately but the latest in a series of idiosyncratic management decisions made by the university. Indeed, this September marked the inauguration of two new therapy treatments at the CAPS: reflective therapy, in which students are invited to describe their problems to a mirror with a mustache stuck onto it until they feel better, and reverse-therapy, in which students are offered the opportunity to counsel CAPS staff to help them work through the emotional and financial strain of their work.

Weird Vibes in Inside Room of Two Room Double Pregame

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Sources at a pregame in a West-Co two room double confirmed last night that the inside room really had weird vibes. According to eye-witness reports, the first main room of the dorm was really great, with tons of great people and fun music, but the inside room was really confusing. “Yeah, really couldn’t figure that inside room out. Went in for a second and then immediately had to leave,” says Bridget Holstein ‘21, who attended the pregame for an hour. “There wasn’t even music playing in that room. Just a couple kids sitting and whispering.”

Melissa Harris ‘20 had further evidence to offer in the classification of the vibes in that inside room as indeed weird. “I think it was full of smoke. Or maybe vape air or whatever, I don’t know. But it was definitely hard to see.” When asked if there was anything that she was able to distinctly make out through the haze, Harris mentioned that she thought she was able to discern a couple making out with way too much tongue. “And maybe there was even a kid reading a book? Definitely not normal vibes.”

We reached out  to Barry Gleeson ‘21, was hosting the pregame. “Yeah, my roommate was out of town for the weekend, so I don’t know who was even in there. I don’t think it was his friends.” His roommate, Leon Norris ‘21, is confirmed to have been visiting a friend at Tufts for the weekend, and thus it has been deemed that he cannot be held responsible for the strangeness of the vibes in his room. He notes that it was not in fact his friends who were in that room.

When questioned, it seemed that in fact no one in the first room of the pregame knew anyone in the inside room, and few had even seen those kids before. “I think one of them was in my Language of Hollywood class,” Holstein commented, “but I don’t know about that one with the crazy tattoo and the track suit. He was new to me. Kind of cute though.”

Man’s Best Friend Actually Jerry, Not Dogs

Move aside dogs, man has a new best friend, and his name is Jerry. Honestly, man and dogs have been drifting apart for a while now. It was a good run, but sometimes these things just happen. They really didn’t have anything in common. Double entendres about “bitches” can only sustain a friendship for so long.

Plus, Jerry has hella skills. Like he’s got apposable thumbs, and he’s way better at playing catch. Jerry is also super good at retrieving dead animals while hunting. Way better than dogs ever were. It’s also really cool because Jerry barely sheds.

It was apparently super awkward when Jerry and dogs met at man’s birthday party. But Jerry is a yellow belt so he wasn’t even scared. Dogs were chill about it though. Not as chill as Jerry, but that’s just because he’s like the biggest chiller.

Dogs have been seen hanging out with woman, but dogs told us they don’t want to really commit to anything right now.

CSS Student Still Uneasy About That Blood Oath Major Application

MIDDLETOWN – Sam Glapton ’20 has been in the Wesleyan CSS program over a semester now, but he’s starting to have second thoughts about what he had to do to get in.

“I mean initially the aged scroll written in some kind of Latin-type language didn’t seem that weird. But now that my friends have been applying to their majors mainly through their e-portfolio, it’s definitely starting to feel fishy.”

Glapton recalled signing the parchment with a raven’s feather quill that pricked his finger upon touching it, leaving his virginal blood on the bottom of the document. According to Glapton, his blood took the form of his name and then disappeared.

“Since signing the application, a lot has changed,” Glapton told the Groundhog. “I no longer feel hunger for food of the human realm. I only swipe at Usdan to watch the chaos. My body is cold all of the time, and I’m pretty sure my heart has stopped beating. All of my classes are pass/fail though. So, it’s like definitely a give and take.”

Glapton has not been able to be seen at the Davison Health Center yet, but he has an appointment next semester.

P-Safe Officer Begins Grueling Training Montage in Preparation for 4/20

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Public Safety officer Todd Miller recently began a grueling training montage in order to prepare him for the most important day of his year: 4/20. We caught up with the member of campus security as he took a quick break between running down college row with a tire on his back and studying flashcards so he can spot the difference between a vape and a USB drive.

“I consider everything I’ve ever done to have been leading up to this” Miller said. “Everything from my first day when I tried to stop someone smoking and they ran away, to yesterday, when I tried to stop someone smoking and they ran away.” He then went back trying to beat his personal best time at writing down a student ID number.

When asked, the officer admitted that P-Safe had been somewhat lacking in its cracking down of 4/20 activities in recent years, though for good reason. “I don’t think most people realize how intimidating Foss Hill is on that day for us. All those kids, staring at us, just daring us to do something? I’d lie if I didn’t say nearly every member of the force has had nightmares about it. This year I want to be prepared.”

Miller also admitted that he had had a moment of weakness a few days ago, when he collapsed to his knees after failing a weed vs. skunk smell test.  “Luckily my trainer, Michael Roth, was there to slap me in the face, look me very sternly in the eyes, and say ‘Again.’ That was the push I needed to get back in it. ”

For the next month Officer Miller can be found at the obstacle course he set up in his back yard, where he practices chasing students, and then stopping on a dime if said students start actually running away. “If I’m not there, I’m probably at home, trying to figure out how to download the “Rocky” soundtrack to my Zune.”

Student Excited to be Lonely Somewhere Else for Two Weeks

MIDDLETOWN, CT – As midterms slowly come to a close, Sarah Goodkin ‘21 is reportedly excited to go home for two weeks, where she will be just as lonely as she is now. “Swapping out isolation at Olin for isolation at home sounds pretty good to me right about now,” Goodkin said when questioned. “You know, just to shake things up a bit.”

Goodkin’s plans for spring break include sitting in bed at home for about two weeks, with maybe doing the same on a couch sprinkled in there for variety. “I expect to go through just about everything I even kind of want to watch by the end of the first week, and then I’ll alternate between wishing I was with Wesleyan kids who had better break plans than me and wishing I was with my friends from home who had better break plans than me,” stated the freshman.

At crunch time Goodkin went back to eating her lunch as slowly as possible so she wouldn’t have to confront her lack of plans, desperately waiting for the day when she would get to go home and do more or less the same thing. “I’m just bored of being soul crushingly alone here, it’ll be nice to feel that way somewhere else for once.”

Report: Everyone Else in Writing Class Bad at Writing

MIDDLETOWN, CT – Yesterday morning Jeremy Longsides ‘21 decided that everyone else in his Techniques of Fiction class was bad at writing. “I just think that anyone who isn’t me in this class doesn’t know how to write, actually,” said the prospective English major. “I just don’t get how no one taught these kids how to write. didn’t their private schools have a creative fiction in the post obama era class.”

Despite the fact that his classmates ripped his short story “Death is Dark; Love is my Rap Music”  to shreds in a recent class workshop, Longsides seemed confident in his hypothesis that he was the only person in the class who doesn’t really fucking suck at writing. “I know they don’t like my work, but I think that’s pretty obviously just because they don’t understand it.”

Longsides went on to postulate that perhaps this wasn’t where the conspiracy ended, wondering if this theory carried outside of the classroom. “Are there any good writers at all? I mean, I like Catcher in the Rye, but that’s about it. Maybe it’s just me and J.D. Salinger. ” the Wesleyan Sophomore said, before hitting his vape one more time. “Oh, and Infinite Jest, I assume.”

When questioned, Longsides stated that he wasn’t available to comment on whether or not he had actually read the David Foster Wallace novel, as he was busy starting work on a new short story about a hard on his luck novelist with a penis that was just too big.

Leonardo DiCaprio Accidentally Incepted into My Wet Dream Last Night

MY ROOM – After seeing The Shape of Water last week, I knew I was in for a weird night’s sleep, but I thought the weirdest part of my night would be dreaming about making soft and sensuous love to a fish-person. I’m not saying I want to have sex with a fish-person, but you can’t put that in my head and expect me to not dream about it. When I eventually started drifting off, things were going pretty much as expected. I was mute. He was kind. Things started heating up. It’s the oldest story in the books.

I started to sense something was fishy when Leonardo DiCaprio, in a full suit that did not match Del Toro’s carefully crafted aesthetic, opened the door to the bedroom where my scaly lover and I were breaking all of the rules. His suave demeanor left him immediately as he went pale and closed the door while apologizing profusely. I’m no stranger to Leo D. being in one of my sex dreams, but his failure to turn this awkward situation into a little menage a trois was an immediate red flag.

I threw on some clothes for modesty’s sake, regained my ability to speak, and went outside to talk to a clearly shaken Leonardo DiCaprio. I got him some fresh water that wasn’t used during foreplay with my nighttime companion, and we started talking.

He told me that he was in my dreams to steal government secrets but bit off more than he could chew. Seeing him so flustered was shocking. Behind his masculine façade he was so delicate. As soon as I had that realization, I came and woke up. Before I could clean up and apologize, he was already gone.