I Graphed My Cousins By How OK It Is To Fuck Them

Thanksgiving is coming around and one thing is on all of our minds. I know what you’re all thinking. Which of my cousins is it ok to hit on at dinner? Which of the people I am related to is it ok to do the nasty with? I spent the past three days scrolling through instagram, Grandma’s facebook albums, and local incest laws, so I consider myself pretty much the expert. Here are my findings:

Paul – Paul is an interesting case, in that I could totally fuck him if I wanted to, but really have no interest in it. Yeah he’s my brother in law’s friend from college, but why take the risk of familial embarrassment for a guy who wears polo shirts tucked into basketball shorts and calls everyone “babe”?

Krista – Kind of the Bermuda triangle here. Not sure what to make of Krista. She’s a second cousin, so it would be legal in some states, and but I’m not sure I’m into it. Would only fuck if Darren turns me down.

Darren – The fucking dream, Darren married my third cousin and has a bod that simply REFUSES to quit.

Jamie – I think of Jamie as kind of a project. Very related, but not quite hot enough yet. Give it a few years and Jamie could become a real Darren situation. I have high hopes. Maybe next 4th of July barbecue?

Terry – Real nightmare scenario. Not only is Terry like a brother to me, but he has a gross mustache and only eats things that have way too much garlic on them. Terry gets a 0/10 on fuckability

Pete – Oh Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete. So hot, and yet so closely related. Is it worth it? God, I hope so, I already instagram dmed him “excited for thanksgiving lol 😉 ;)”

Aunt Linda – No comment.


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