Report: What are Boobs Made of?

PORTLAND, ME — I’ve been wondering for quite a while, and I think I’ve come to the conclusion: What are boobs made out of, actually? Some people have them, some people don’t, but no one knows what’s actually inside them. I did some research, and these are my best guesses for what boobs are actually made of:

  1. sand?
  2. custard?
  3. spider eggs?
  4. chia?
  5. silly putty
  6. bricks? no…
  7. tofu?
  8. What happens when they hatch?
  9. sloppy Joe?
  10. frosting? icing?
  11. Floam?
  12. jell-o?
  13. When do they hatch?
  14. snow?
  15. The Fourth Matter
  16. Balloons?
  17. smaller boobs?
  18. marzipan?
  19. Oh god….
  20. Whoopie cushions?
  21. balled-up socks?

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