Open Letter to the People in the Room Next to Mine: Your Sex Sounds Super Weird

Dear People in the Room Next to Mine,

I’m not trying to be judgmental here, but your sex sounds super weird. For a moment, I didn’t know what was going on on the other side of my wall, but I assumed the smoke alarm was going off, or maybe something involving an air horn. I still haven’t ruled out either of those options, because your sex sounds SUPER weird. I was already depressed that I wasn’t having sex when I first heard you two (or three? four?), but after you started sobbing for no reason, I just got plain depressed. Should I go over there to help you? You both sound really distraught. I decided against it when I heard the snap of latex and what appeared to be a singing Furby. Again, I don’t want to judge, but an explanation would be nice. Thank you, and have a good rest of your night.

P.S. Invite me next time?

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